I watched the 2005 American Music Awards tonight. All I can say is that I was truly horrified by Lindsey Lohan. I knew she had no talent already, but watching her try to sing was like watching a train wreck. It was painful, really. But, Tim McGraw and Keith Urban more than made up for it. :) Oh! And Rob Thomas! Yummy. I wanted to watch Pharrel, but I was distracted by something. I like him, too.

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Wednesday I will be at my moms for most the day, cleaning and helping her get ready for Thursday. Then I have to go pick up the new (yet to be named) kitty. On Thursday, I suppose I will be cooking. Not sure what yet, as it hasn't been officially assigned to me. Honestly, I am already looking forward to Monday, when the kids and DH go back to school and work. My brother wants me to go with him to a party Thursday, where I would see tons of friends I haven't seen in years. Including a guy I was in love with. I'm not sure I will go, it's just too nerve-wracking for me.

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Not sure who will be around for the next couple of days, but for any who are traveling, please drive/fly (or whatever) safely. No drinking and driving!!! Have a good thanksgiving!

ETA~ Won't be going to the party with DB until Friday, apparently. And there is a fly in my house that keeps buzzing around me. It is pissing me off so badly that I am going to leave the house now. And the flying bug spray DH bought might as well be water. It doesn't work. Argh!

They felt like water balloons

My young friend's new boobs, that is. I used to babysit this young lady. Can't believe she is 20 years old. Anyhow, she came to the party my mom had on Friday and she was so proud of her new set. She immediately took me into the guest room and pulled her shirt up. I tried to look mostly at her face, but it was the first time I've seen implants, in person. They were quite tasteful, but I was shocked at how high the nipples were. And they reminded me a bit of a goldfish's eyes, looking away from eachother. But quite nice, nonetheless. She even made me touch them. So I poked one side, and like I said, it felt just like a water balloon.

The party was really nice, saw a lot of friends I hadn't seen in a while, had some wonderful blackberry merlot, talked about boys, and hey! I got to touch some boobs! Before the party, my mom asked me to do all the food shopping. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal but it was.
I have a slight case of agoraphobia. I asked DD to go with me (because I would never go alone) and for some reason (completely idiotic) I decided to try a store I'd never been to. Big mistake. I was dressed up really nice, so I thought I would feel okay, but it didn't matter. I knew everything I did was wrong. I knew everyone was watching me, wondering why I looked lost, or why I looked panicked. In the end, I bought everything we needed, and I felt very grown up as I left the store. I will never go there again.

That was my weekend (but I'm skipping the really interesting *rolls eyes* dinner with DH I had on Saturday). Oh, and I'm skipping how the %$#&@$ Raiders beat the Redskins on Sunday. And how I could hear the new neighbors across the street cheering them on. Stupid neighbors.

Confessions

1. I lust after the father of one of DD's friends. I have been for 6 years now. He is extremely good looking and nice and he says my name alot when we talk. It makes me swoony.

2. I returned a pair of Jeans without the belt they came with. (this makes me feel guilty)

3. My Schwan's guy talked to me for about 10 minutes today, saying really weird stuff about 30 being my "prime", and after the first two minutes, I zoned completely out and pretended to listen to him. In the end, I have no idea what all he said, but I smiled and nodded alot. I also pictured him naked. (oh god, did I just admit that?)

4. I swore like a sailor today when a fly kept buzzing around my head. I really surprised myself, since I normally don't swear (much).

5. Sometimes, when DH calls home during the day, I lie and say I'm on the other line.

Okay, your turn. Confess something. It will make you feel better. Or, at the very least, it will make me feel better.

Speaking of sex...

Because we were, weren't we? I think it's totally hilarious that tonight's bartering took place over my email and DH's cell phone (texting) while he was at home with me. So much easier than face to face talking. Sometimes these things end up sounding more like a business arrangement. *grin*

In other news, I went to dinner with a girlfriend I hadn't seen in awhile. I love her, I really do, but don't we all have a friend who is so damn insensitive that you want to strangle them? Over the years, she has said and done many rude or thoughtless things. Not just about me, but about other people. Classic example, she goes into the mall and wants the make-up lady to do her face. The lady is asking what kind of "look" she wants and my sweet friend Anna says., "I want something subtle and classy. No offense, but just not anything like yours". She came out looking like a clown. Good for the make-up lady!

So tonight, I tell her I might consider a breast reduction. Now, I'm only half serious, because I do like my chest, but it would still be nice if it were slightly smaller. I mentioned something about being a D and she gets this weird look on her face, so I say,"what, you don't think I'm a D?" She says, "no, you're bigger than that. You look uncomfortable. More like a G". WTF?!!? Are you freaking kidding me? I had to practically lift up my shirt to prove to her that not only was I wearing a D but it was fitted correctly (because she then tried to say that 95% of all women are wearing an incorrect size). I left the restaurant feeling like I looked like a freak. I could go on and on about her, but I do love her. She just makes me crazy sometimes. I guess that's why it had been so long since I'd seen her.

One last thing...I need help! I am getting a kitten! Yay! It is supposed to be a friend for our other cat who is emotionally starved for more attention than we can give him. The new kitty is all black and a female. I want a good name. Our other two cats came as pairs originally, but were split up. So we have one from each set. They were named Smokey and the Bandit, and we still have Smokey, but not Bandit. The other set was Barnum and Bailey, but we now only have Bailey. Is there anything we can name this kitten that would go with the other names? Particularly with Bailey, since he is the reason we are doing this. We haven't gotten her yet, as she is still being bottle fed by the owner. Any ideas?

Ugh!

I came home tonight after a grueling 5 hour workout (okay, I was shopping, really) and what do I find? Sitting on the kitchen counter is chocolate cake. Chocolate freakin' cake. I? am PMSing right now. The question? Should I have some? The answer? No. Why? Because who wants to eat cake after freakin' looking in the magnifying mirrors in all the dressing rooms? And the lighting in those rooms suck. There are oreos on top of the cake. I have a splitting headache. I feel really bad for myself. In fact, I sorta got mad at DH for buying the damn cake to begin with. So which is worse? Chocolate cake or 3 shots of Goldshlager? Because I'm about to have one or the other.

So, here's some of what I bought for myself...(during my workout)

Old Navy Jeans
A black and grey plaid purse
Black high heels
Striped scarf (very cute)
A grey fitted sweater

I've decided against the cake. It probably tastes like crap, right? (say yes)! Goldshlager and Tylenol PM go well together, I think. *yawn*

Anniversary wishes... (and some smut)

First~ Happy 4th? Anniversary Rose and DH!!!

Now, for the smut (that's what ya'll wanted, right?).

My question today is; is it ever okay to barter for sex? Or, more specifically, use sex as a bartering tool? I think if it's done in a playful manner, it's okay. I have used sex to get all kinds of stuff. Mostly massages, but I went as low as using it to get DH to buy me a Soap Opera Digest, once, too. I often wonder if I'm normal, and asking real life friends, face to face, is a little embarrassing, so here I am. Please tell me this is normal. Also does anyone keep track of how often you have sex, on a calendar? DH and I were arguing over the frequency a long time ago and the only solution was to keep track. Little "x"s all over the calendar, resulted. But it's important to know, you know, in case of an argument where you NEED to know, know what I mean? (please say yes)

Okay, that was my weekly installment of TMI. Hope it was good enough for you pervs. *wink*

Welcome MTW!!!

Yay! We have another one! Of course, this one is a boy, but he doesn't have cooties, I promise. So please go tell him if he can link you! He already admitted to being a blurker in his blog, but he's coming out to play now. I have him linked already, but here is the link, to make it easier...

http://poopybooty.blogspot.com/

He explains in his blog how he came up with such a catchy address name.

Welcome MTW1961!

Two things (or more)

First, why is everything so slow around here? Where is everyone? Even the other place is slow. Actually, it's been a PITA to load lately, too.

Second thing, today I learned that if I don't heat tomato soup long enough, I really don't like it. I almost gagged. I ended up reheating it, but I'm disturbed by how much I disliked it.

Also, my DS called home from school today (because his teacher made him) to tell me he had a "homework note" for me. *sigh*

And why is it when I do my make-up or dress nicely the first thing the kids say is, "are you going somewhere?" Same with when I clean up around the house..."is someone coming over?"

Pfft! Whatever. I do my make-up almost daily and try to clean the house every day.

*sigh*

I had a dream last night that I had a baby. It was premature and they told me she might not survive. In my dream, I held the baby, she was perfect and tiny and seemed very healthy. I was going to take her home, and I even nursed her in the dream. All day today it has been popping into my head. I guess because my dreams are very vivid. In fact, more than once, in pretty embarrassing circumstances, I have mistook a dream for reality. They are SO real to me. So I have been missing this little baby all day. In reality, I cannot have any more children. Well, *I* can, but DH had a vasectomy. I'm pretty sure I don't want any more kids but it's funny how what we want at one point in life, can change so much a couple years later. And really, wouldn't it be dumb to have another kid, just so you can have a baby? Because the baby will just turn into a child, and I'm quite certain I'm done wanting children. I've got two and I'm quite content.

Anyhow, it got me to thinking about dreams in general. I guess some people don't remember their dreams. DH doesn't. I do every night. In fact, more than one each night. And they are so realistic! Have any of you ever woken up thinking something had just happened, when in fact it was just a dream? I've gone as far as asking people about a news story I saw, expecting them to have heard about it and being told it never happened. Once I think about it, I realize it wasn't very plausible to begin with, but the point is that they can be so real. Don't even get me started on sex dreams. Holy carp! Sometimes I feel as though I have committed adultery! LOL! Tell me, do you dream? And to what extent? Do you physically experience your dreams as well?

How old are you? & misc. questions

I will be working at my mother's house for most of Tuesday and I feel very sorry for myself. Also, my kids have two WEEKS of minimum days. Also, I am cold. In fact, I have lit a candle for the sole purpose of wrapping my hands around it while I am at the computer desk. DH won't let me turn the heat up. It's 72 degrees in here. Isn't that cold? Anyways, the point it, I feel sorry for myself. So please humor me and answer these questions. That will make me feel better.

I would like to have an organized place where I can find the info I need about each of you. Here are your questions;

1. How old are you?
2. Do you have kids?
2a. If so, how old?
3. Significant other?
4. Where do you live?
5. When is your birthday?
6. Anniversary? (if applicable)
7. Do you work, and if so, what do you do?
8. Will you kick Carey's ass if she gets herself banned?

It's official...

I'm a screamer. And a gasper.

And no, this isn't smut related, thank you very much. Apparently I am a very jumpy person. I've always known to some degree what a scaredy cat I am , but lately it's gotten so much worse. I walk every night (for exercise) with DH, and on our walk yesterday, as we were going past a house, a man came walking down his driveway. Even though I saw him, and knew it was a person, I let out a huge scream. The poor man didn't speak English and did not understand as I tried to apologize for scaring him to death with my scream. As soon as we were past him, DH burst out laughing at me. I guess I embarrassed him, as well as myself. Then tonight, as were walking, a leaf fell from the tree above us and I gasped and jumped out of my skin. I felt ridiculous. I saw that it was a leaf, it was about 15 feet ahead of us. It happens at the grocery store too. Turning the corner from one aisle to the next, if a person is standing there, I scream, or gasp, or jump, or at the very least, I end up with my hand over my mouth to suppress a scream. This has got to be abnormal. Or is it? I've even seen someone drive up to my house, and knowing they were walking up the path to the door, I still screamed when I opened the door. In that case it was because they were closer than I had anticipated. Just standing on the porch, waiting. Geez, just thinking about it scares me. Phone rings? Jump out of my skin. My favorite memory of being ridiculously scared was when I was in the back bedroom doing laundry (or something) and I was completely lost in thought (okay, truth be told I was lost in a fantasy) when DH called my name from the living room. I screamed. A loud scream. I think that one was slightly guilt induced. Scared him to death. He thought I saw a spider or something. Spiders don't make me scream, (unless they are running or moving). What really seems to get me the most is when I am anticipating something, waiting for it to happen, and then it does. Like when I'm expecting a phone call and I end up getting nervous, knowing it's about to ring any minute, so that when it finally does, I'm already on the edge of my seat. This is why I cannot do scary movies. The music gets you all nervous. I hate that.

This is what I want to know;

What scares you? How do you express it? Do you like to be scared? Do you think I'm a freak?

Update

I haven't updated for very good reasons. All I have to offer is sex or bitching and I was trying to give ya'll a break. But since you asked...

My dad bought my mom a hot tub. He spent $8,000 (which is insane, IMO) on it and even bought the whole wood gazebo thing to go over it. I went over to see it after my brother called me and was so excited about it I thought he was going to pee his pants. Now this is where the bitching comes in. Or maybe just the bitch (which would be me). I was SO disappointed when I saw it. It has a grey exterior and dark blue interior. That is fine, I guess, but my parents have been trying to decorate their backyard with a woodsy theme. They even bought a giant wood carved bear. It was supposed to match! It doesn't match at all. It sticks out like a sore thumb. And? I noticed right away that to run the electrical, they had to use some kind of grey piping that runs along the outside of the house. And? They messed with the rain gutter. I know this sounds petty, and I wish so much I didn't care about things like that. The gazebo came yesterday, it is redwood, so it matched the other stuff in the backyard, but hello? It clashes with the hot tub color. /end bitchy rant]

Now for the sex part. I blogged a while ago about wishing DH wouldn't come home so often during the day. Practically every day for lunch, he is here. So I offered something to him that now makes me wonder if I/we are twisted. I told him everyday he doesn't come home for lunch I would send him a sexy picture of myself. *hangs head in shame* He didn't come home Monday or Tuesday. The only reason he came home yesterday is because I called him and asked him to. *grin* Now I am wondering what I've gotten myself into, and I wonder how sick this arrangement really is. Feel free to judge me.

Did someone say, "Smut"?

What is the worst pick up line you've ever heard? Mine was so cheesy it felt like I was in a bad After School Special. Something along the lines of, "you need to let the woman inside of you come out...blah blah blah, and we can go to a motel". It was freakin' hilarious. Not the least bit tempting. What was yours?

And for fun, here are some I found online somewhere: (my apologies in advance to monsty)

WARNING! If you are easily offended, please do not proceed!

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
6. {to crass, even for this blog}
7. {removed due to vulgarity}
8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fu*k.
9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?
11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!
12. {un PC}
13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?
14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?
15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.
16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"
17. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?
18. Fu*k me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?
22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.
23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.
24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
28. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
30. (honorary mention) Drinks on me!!!

Great weekend!

Just wanted to reiterate, I LOVE my new blog. If I haven't said it lately, Thank You Syren!!

On Saturday I woke up to a massage (aka~ horny husband) and then I went back to sleep. Didn't get out of bed until noon, I think. Lounged around most of the day not doing much. I had been doing well, eating right and exercising, but DH always wants something after sex. So there we are at 11:30 pm (yes, again!) and he decides he wants to try Taco Bell's new carne asada steak taco thingy (yuck) , I ended up caving in and had some cinnamon twists. I rationalized it by saying that anything we eat within that "free" hour (due to the time change) shouldn't count. As a result I had to work out extra hard today and will double up on Monday. But it's a small price to pay for those cinnamon things, they are so good! On Sunday (today) I didn't do much, but I did get to lay in bed and watch the 49er game. It was so nice, I had one kid on each side of me, and it was just so cozy. The Niners didn't do extremely well, but hey, they won! Yay!
Now when tomorrow morning comes, I have to do all the things I should have done over the weekend. What did you all do this weekend? And for those who were watching their diets, how's that going? I keep having ups and downs.

Side note (that Carey should appreciate)- I was in the middle of a big satisfying yawn when out of the corner of my eye I swear I saw a spider running towards me. It killed the yawn instantly and ended up being my own damn hair that had fallen loose from my pony tail. Argh! Nothing like an unfinished yawn. I even tried to re-yawn but it's just not the same. *sigh*

Also! I wanted to add that I had a dream with Carey in it on Saturday night. It was very strange but I did like her alot! She was so funny and fun to be with. I think she worked in some sort of outdoor backyard ornament kinda place, and they even had a giant turtle! It rained on us but we laughed it off. It was so fun! Now I wanna meet her!

What do you think?

Syren has been working on this for me for awhile now and I love it! I still need to make a few changes, add some links and stuff like that. I think this will be more user friendly, too.

Please tell me if I can link you (if you are not already there).

Thank you Syren!

Edited to add~ Syren must have done something so that I could add more links...Yay! If you are linked, and do not want to be, please let me know. If you are not linked and would like to be, let me know and I will add you.

Brother's Keeper

I really want to bitch about how needy and whiny my DH is but I will skip it, for your sake. Let's just say that I am the man in this relationship and he is the girl. *sigh* Boys are stupid.

So, if this link works it will show you the clip from Scare Tactics that I was telling you about. The guy is so freakin' funny and he acts and talks exactly the same way IRL as he does in the clip. Aaron is the one I met, in case I didn't make that clear before.

http://www.filecabi.net/v/file/scare-tactics-keeper/wmv

And in happier news, Carey got laid!!! :D

Question

So tonight I drove to see my very pregnant friend who will be having a baby in about 2-3 weeks. We stayed at the restaurant extra long to visit because we know we won't get a chance again for a while. So there we are, we've known eachother for over 15 years and I realized there was something I didn't know about her. So I asked her, "do you swallow?". Well, oh my goodness! I think she almost went into labor. She choked on her food and then laughed so hard her entire upper body turned red. She even cried from laughing so hard. Now I'm wondering if that is not a normal question for two girlfriends to ask eachother. She knows all my secrets. I know one of hers that is enormous. Why was that so surprising? She acted absolutely shocked. I'll admit it sorta came out of nowhere. And she did answer me.

So here's the question: (and no, I'm not going to ask you if you swallow)

Do you talk sex with your girlfriends? And do you think men would be shocked by what we do say to eachother? I really don't want to end up being the only girl who does this. I thought it was fairly normal...am I wrong?

special note to Carey~ Happy birthday sweetie. I hope you are feeling all better and get exactly what you want today!

Men are so easy

Maybe this is wrong but I get a big kick out of torturing my husband. Yesterday he had an important appointment at work, and right before he was scheduled to meet with the people, I sent him a nasty text message on his phone. He was actually stuck in his car for five minutes afterwards because he couldn't walk in like that. LOL. Was that mean of me? Because I might make a habit of it.

Here I go again...

So I'm reading my US Weekly and I am shocked to see that Vanessa Marcil (picture at left) is 36 years old. I just assumed she was way younger. She is gorgeous, and one of the few women DH will admit to finding attractive. I couldn't believe that she was almost 40, when in my mind she was in her 20s. So fast forward to this evening. DH and I are watching Las Vegas together on the loveseat. I look over at him and I think, "dear god I've been with him for almost 13 years!"
Then I think, "dear god, I will be 36 years old, soon!" So DH looks at me and says, "what?" So I started crying. Real crying. He got all freaked out...kept asking me what was wrong. Finally I manage to sob out that I am almost 36 years old. He was nice about it, hugged me and let me cry. Now my eyes hurt and I feel tired. Is this a normal reaction to turning 30? Or am I being dramatic and silly? I know age is a number, it's how old you feel...blah blah blah. But seriously, did anyone else go through this? Or are you afraid you will?


disclaimer~ I do not think 36 is old. I just don't feel ready to be in my 30s yet. When I meet people who are in their 40s and 50s I think of them as young, believe it or not. Hell, I love older men (older than me). To me, 70 is finally getting old. But I'm not supposed to be 30 because I don't even feel old enough to be a mother. I need to freakin' grow up, I think.

Edited to add~ This will be my last age related entry until January, at which point I will feel entitled to throw at least one more tantrum. Thank you.

Oh. And I'll try and do trashy tomorrow. ;-)

DH's hands down my pants

Well, this was going to be about DH's hands down my pants but that topic was already taken. *glares at Seana*

So here is something I need to know. I need my Canadian friends to tell me why they do not believe in sanitary toilet seat covers. Not one place I went to in BC had them. It boggles my mind. What's up with that?

The last few days have been terribly busy for me. Friday was lunch with my brother followed by a school carnival thingy. Saturday was Apple Hill with some friends. Sunday was spent at my parents house. I was trying to be productive and get stuff done but my family just made it too difficult. Tomorrow I will be at my mom's doing stuff for her. I can't wait for Tuesday when I *think* I can just stay home. Then on Wednesday I will drive to see my girlfriend one last time before her baby is born. Thursday I have lunch plans with another friend. Gah! I just want to be home. Before I know it it will be next weekend. *sigh*

Apple Hill was crowded. I will never go on a Saturday again. We normally go on a Sunday when it is much better. I drank the apple juice, btw. Very yummy! I don't know if I can describe what it is, if you're wondering. I am too tired and this is my second attempt at a blog entry tonight after the first long and detailed one was erased on accident.

In a nutshell what the other one said was that my younger brother is a complete jerk. He made a big stink at a public fund raiser event we went to on Saturday night. I think he needs to put his bong down and get some real meds.

Also, I got to meet my favorite guy from Scare Tactics. Does anyone watch that? It is a show on the Sci-Fi channel. Like Candid Camera but more extreme. He was waiting tables where DB and I went to lunch Friday. He is a funny guy. Talks just like Pauly Shore in Encino Man. If you didn't see that, good for you. I actually paid money and saw it in the theater. *sigh*

That's my update for now. No trashy sex story. No slutty questions or provocative subjects. Sorry if I let you down. *grin*

This is the TMI blog, right?

So today, while in a compromising position (details being withheld, tyvm) I noticed something truly horrifying. My DH is getting old. Well, to be more specific, he has a couple of greys. It was very disconcerting to say the least. So far, I have not had a grey (or white or silver) hair anywhere, but seeing my DH, who is only 2 years older than me, getting old, kinda freaks me out.

Speaking of getting older, I hurt my back today. Apparently I cannot do the Karate Kid kung foo thingy the way I used to. DS and I were in the kitchen where I was doing dishes (well, trying to) and he wanted to play a game of walnut tennis. This is where I get the big spatula and he pitches the walnut to me and we play "tennis". Back and forth we go, until we break something or we lose the walnut. Anyhow, when I screamed and jumped out the way (because damn, those walnuts can hurt) he started laughing at me. So naturally I try to do some karate kick thingy and ended up hurting my back. . When I was young, I never injured myself. BTW, before anyone calls CPS, I wasn't actually going to hurt him.

Oh and I have a little complaint. My kids who are now 10 freakin' years old, are so big that doing laundry has become rather difficult. I used to know exactly who's clothing was who's, based on size. Now, I go to find some jeans and end up not being able to tell who's are who's.
I have to stop dressing DD like me. Tonight I got all excited thinking I had found my missing black blouse. Nope. It was her's. And? Their feet are bigger than mine now. The many pairs of shoes all over the living room all look alike. *sigh* This is just so sad.

Odds and Ends

So I went to see 'In Her Shoes' tonight with my mom. It was really good, but not as good as the book, of course. Is anything ever as good as the book? The closest I have come to liking a movie as much as the book was 'To Kill a Mockingbird', but I was much younger when I saw it, so maybe I would feel differently now. I'm working on 'War and Peace' right now, and will see the movie when it comes out. Can't wait. Most interesting part of this evening? The gum I sat in. Wearing my favorite jeans, of course. *sigh* ~Edited to add, War and Peace is NOT coming out. Pride and Prejudice is, which is another one I need to read, but what a bummer.

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Two new songs I can't get enough of: I just wanna Live, by Good Charlotte, and Streets of Love, by The Rolling Stones. Oh and my current cry song is Fix You, by Coldplay. The Good Charlotte one wouldn't have even occurred to me but it was featured on General Hospital (my only other vice, besides this place and the other place) anyhow, the scene was a mobster shootout and I think they kinda stole the whole Mr. & Mrs. Smith theme, but it was so cool I didn't care. I loved it, and the song too.

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DH whined a little bit tonight about me being on here too much, so I will be trying (ie:pretending) to spend less time here. All I have to do is work extra fast on other stuff so it looks like I spent more time than I did doing the other stuff. know what I mean?

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I noticed today that I dress very dark. All my shoes are either black or brown, and all my clothes are very dark, too. Does this mean anything? Hell, even my undergarments are black or dark purple, or something. Maybe I need to lighten up?

What's in your closet? Do you believe we have "colors" that look best on us? My mom is one of those nuts who constantly pulls the clothing up to her chin and says, "is this my color?" I have to play along and usually answer her based on whether the clothing is super ugly or not.

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Again, sorry if you saw my rant today/yesterday. Before we all got together here, I ranted personal stuff here quite a bit, and I guess I felt the need. *smooches* for everyone who *smooched* me during my tantrum. And *smooches* for everyone in general, you are all so wonderful to play with, and I am so glad we all have this outlet.

Temporary Insanity....

...And PMS. Doesn't take much does it? Forgive me my ultra personal rant. I am done now.

*sheepish grin*

And if you missed it altogether, there was nothing to see. :)

Continuation...

Ugh! Argh! *Scream*

This is what pisses me off. Yesterday, the nooner didn't work out, his schedule, mine, whatever. So last night, as much as I did NOT want to, I did. Of course he is clueless that I didn't want to, because he wouldn't have done it had he known, but I knew he needed it. I mean for goodness sake it had been several days. The man was getting cranky. *rolls eyes* So anyways, I did my duty and am thinking that we're good for a day or two. No. First thing I see when I get up this morning, a message on our screen saver asking for a nooner today. This is after he got annoyed with me last night for calling him a horndog. And we wonders why I think that? So then he calls me this morning and I said no to the nooner. Mostly out of frustration that he even asked. Then, because I can't think of anything to say to him, we sit in silence for a minute and he finally says he needs to go. He sounds all whiny and sad. Not only because I said no, but because like every day, if I can't think of something funny/amusing/interesting to say on the phone to him, he thinks I don't want to talk to him. Which is pretty much right. We talk on the phone about 5-10 times a day AND we email back and forth throughout the day. Is that normal? I never get the chance to miss him. It drives me nuts.

I can't believe I am blogging about my sex life, but it's more about my relationship than sex, I guess. Not like I'm giving details or anything. Now I'm in a bad mood. Crap!

*********************************************


This is totally inappropriate but I have to let off some steam.

My husband is a freakin' horndog! I am beginning to lose my mind and it's starting to affect our marriage (or mine anyways). Good freakin' lord give me a break. Is this normal? He is 32 years old and he's acting like a 16 year old who just discovered sex. Am I wrong here? I need someone to tell me it's ok that I want to strangle him right now. You know what he told me yesterday? He is going to buy me some "hooker heels". I know this is TMI, I'm sorry. It's just I feel like everytime I turn around I'm being assaulted. Ok, not assaulted exactly, but you know. Like when he is affectionate I think there is always an ulterior motive. And I'm usually right.

Argh! I want to scream. And the worst part is the guilt I feel if I say no. Wish me luck, he wants to come home for a nooner.

And for a certain someone who might read this and want to give me the riot act, well, hmmph!

Yay!

Today is much, much better. It's funny because if I had woken up yesterday with today's pain, I would have felt sorry for myself because it does still hurt, but it's so much better that I just can't complain. Thank you all for the advice and hugs and stuff.

Today's new topic...Underwear.

Do you know if you wear the right bra size? They say a majority of women do not. Also, how important is it to wear a matching set, you know, panties and bra? Do you usually match or just wear whatever is available? I usually buy only black so it ends up looking like I match even when I don't. Also, do you prefer men in boxers or briefs?

Bonus question...do we know what's up with Glow yet? Any more clues?

Waaaaaahhhhhh!!!

Well I certainly wasn't going to update with a whine but I really need to. Whine, that is.
I came home last night around 2:30am after trying to help my mom clean her office. Unpack it actually, as it's not been done since they moved in. Anyway, my time with her went surprisingly well, we even addressed the fact that she feels I have pulled away from my dad and her. I told her that yes, having my parents tell me "no" when I want to do certain things gets rather old when you are damn near 30 years old. So I explained that I've been stressed and have pulled away from everyone, not just them, and that I need to be more independent. She said no. J/K. She understood, but she didn't like it.
So as I was falling into bed, I felt like the left side of my neck was sore, which was weird because for the last couple of weeks, my right side has been sore. Anyhow, I was tired and ignored it. Then I woke up around 6 or so to use the restroom (washroom, after being in Canada) and I was in unbelievable pain. I felt like one of those sitcoms where someone pulls something in their back and they can't stand up. Except it was my neck. I barely made it back to bed and lowering my head was the most pain I've had in as long as I can remember. In fact, once my face hit the pillow, I thought I would suffocate to death because I literally could not lift my head up again. I guess my (loud) whimpering woke DH and after seeing what was going on he went and got me a muscle relaxer. I almost couldn't take the damn thing because I couldn't tilt my head enough to drink the water. Anyhow, he also got me some Tylenol and then he started massaging me to help me go back to sleep. I eventually did. Now I've added Tylenol with codeine to the mix and the pain is a little more tolerable. I wouldn't have even been able to sit upright before, I felt like my neck was broken. I was supposed to help my mom some more today, but obviously can't. I even cried, and I normally have a very high pain tolerance. I am hoping by tomorrow I will be able to function normally, because this just stinks beyond belief. And? It makes me feel old. :(

Two days with DH...

It ends tomorrow. Or later today, technically. We actually enjoyed our alone time very much.
We went out to dinner both nights and rented a movie tonight. I took the advice of a friend and made him a happy husband. ;-) He should be good for a week or so if you ask me.

Tonight we were talking about whether I am judgmental or not. He says I do come across that way, but of course he sees me in the best light and says he understands how I am misunderstood. LOL. Gotta appreciate the unconditional love there. I kept thinking, "I don't judge people". But then I realized at dinner tonight I pointed out a woman and said, "holy cow, she is way too old to be wearing a mini skirt, and look at her shoes, they are way too clunky!" I think I do this alot, and that is why some people think I am judgmental. I also pointed another girl out and said, "check her out, she's HOT!". So it's not always bad, it's just that I vocalize what alot people are probably thinking.

So, what does judgmental mean? I told DH tonight that I don't care about what people do as long as they are not hurting someone else. Bad moms? Are at the top of my list of open targets for judgment. But is that wrong? How do you know when being judgmental crosses a line? Is it ok to be judgmental about anything?

Very bad things

A very bad thing happened today. I found out my new neighbors, the ones across the street, are...get this.....Raiders Fans! I am not sure what to do about this. I already knew I wouldn't associate with them, based on the fact that DH won't let me. *grin* But now, I feel sick. A huge black poster thingy is hanging in the garage. And? They play their music too loud. And? I heard bad language in the lyrics. So now if they are out, I can't let my kids go out there. *sigh* I was really hoping for an old couple. Like Carey and Michelle. Oh well.

Another bad thing? I found out today that I am paranoid. I already kinda thought I was. I actually hoped I was, otherwise my suspicions would have been correct. So which is better? Being paranoid or constantly suspecting the worst?

One more thing...kids are gone for two nights. My DH? Keeps looking at me. Hmmm. What could he be thinking?

edited to add- I don't think Michelle is old, just Carey, but I had to go with a couple, so there it is. Sorry Michelle.

Several things

Today I did something totally out of character. I totally flirted with a construction worker. Well, not really flirted, just majorly smiled at him. I was in a good mood and he was cute and he smiled at me. So I smiled back at him. It was really embarrassing. As soon as I drove past him I was mortified. I feel like a 14 year old. Normally I would never smile back. Not to be rude, but just because I freeze up. Anyhow, that's not so bad is it? Doesn't everyone do that every once in awhile?


Tomorrow I am doing something I never thought I would do. I am letting my kids go on a field trip without me or DH. Not just any field trip, but a two night field trip. Does that make me a bad mother? They are 10 years old and at least will have eachother, but still. I am shocked I am letting them do this. Science Camp. They will learn a bunch of outdoors stuff. How to survive if lost...that kinda thing.


Ack! I've been dreaming alot lately. I always have had vivid dreams but, Hello. Some of these dreams are bad. Very bad. Some are disturbing, some are funny, some are...well, let's just say I wouldn't share them here. I need a good nights sleep with no dreams, really bad.
Who has really vivid dreams? Can you actually feel what's happening in your dream, physically?
I had a dream that I smoked when I was a teenager. I distinctly remember the feeling and taste of the cigarette. It burned my throat and made my eyes sting. I never tried smoking after that because I felt like I already knew what it would be like. Sometimes I rather enjoy my dreaming habits. Other times, not so much.

Hmmm...

I love it! Thank you Syren!

Warning!

This blog is a No Swearing and No Sex blog.

I have noticed I am getting a reputation around here as being the porn spam blog person. I am greatly offended by this as I am the most wholesome person I know. So, if you have sex tips, take 'em somewhere else. If you want to swear, do it in Carey's blog.

Oh, and no "pooting" either. Very un-ladylike.

That is all.


BTW, violators will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Edited to add~ Everyone who "poots" or swears in this blog is hereby giving permission to be regularly spammed by a religious cult. I will be giving them your names and blog addresses . Thank you.

Special Announcment!

**AHEM**


May I have your attention please?

I have the wonderful honor of introducing our newest blogger.....ARNutz!

She signed up just so she could share lots of personal tidbits about her life, with us! And also so she could comment on our blogs. So can we all give her a warm welcome?

Here is her link... http://nutzeee.blogspot.com/


(if anyone doesn't know who she is, *rolls eyes* feel free to PM me and I can give you details, but for now, she is a sometime poster at the other place, and though she is quite shy, she has managed to rack up over 7,000 DAWs, though we started near the same time)

edited to add~ can we assume that by welcoming her here, you will hereby be giving her permission to post on your blog and you on hers as well?

Opinions, please...

I have some thoughts/questions and I would love some feedback.

1. First off, is Kirsten Dunst really pretty? Because I am bitterly jealous that she gets to be in a movie with Orlando Bloom.

2. How many calories a day is the right amount? Zombie said 1000 is too low, is 1200 better?

3. Can one person please tell me that there is a slight possibility that Bigfoot is real? Please?

4. Is it normal to have sexual thoughts about most of the men one sees each day, even if you are not attracted to them, or is that something only men are supposed to do towards women?

5. For my friends over 30...is it true you hit a "peak" and if so, when does it start and when does it end? (this is slightly related to question #4)

6. Does everyone talk to themselves and if so, how much? (not saying that I do, mind you)

everything is funny

I'm not one who has done many (ok, any) drugs before, but it occurs to me today, over and over again, that the little tiny pills I took yesterday are really funny. I guess I went to dinner last night (huh?) and pissed my mom off. Also, DH said he didn't like how I was acting last night but at the time I thought he was being a jerk because I was acting fine, really. I was sitting here thinking about how I don't recall going through the airport, or seeing my family afterwards at dinner, but I kinda recall that my DH watched Survivor, Las Vegas and Lost last night, all while I was still under the influence. So I missed everything. I even went to my favorite mexican food place and don't get to remember it. I do remember telling DH if he kept massaging my head I would go to bed with him. :D But I honestly remember nothing after that. So today, I keep giggling, and I'm not sure why. Plus, the room is still spinning, and that makes everything funny, too. I really want another one of those pills, I think.

Edited to add two things that are NOT funny:

DH came home and made tuna. Grrr...

I can't turn my head to the right (or, if I do, it hurts)

I survived!

Yay! I'm back! For those who don't want the whole boring vacation story, stop here and just tell me you're happy I lived and am home. For anyone else, here goes;

The plane ride to Seattle was a little bit horrifying. I had taken my valium but it didn't do it's job well enough. I slightly hyperventilated and then pulled myself together just as I started to cry (a tiny bit). I then just closed my eyes and tried not to think about the fact that the airplane wing was right outside my window and it was shaking around (probably about to fall off).

The cruise itself was fantastic, we loved our room, and we loved the location of the room. I'm pretty sure I went over my 1,000 calorie a day max, but I also took the stairs on the ship, everywhere (with the exception of the night I had a little too much wine and was foolishly wearing high heels at the same time).

Vancouver was my favorite stop as we got to see my family there. My grandfather is the cutest little old man ever. He is a proper Englishman, wears white slacks, white shoes, and a blazer as casual wear. Plus he walks with his hands clasped behind his back. Very cute. They had a nice little lunch waiting for us at their home, and then took us to the Capilano Suspension Bridge. I wish I'd have taken a pill for that one. Very intense.

Victoria was beautiful, but the highlight of the day there was very unexpected. As we were crossing the street to go to the Royal BC Museum, my dad thought it would be funny to kick my brother's foot so as to make him stumble in front on the heavy traffic. He says he didn't want him to fall. At any rate, what happened was my father (who is 56 years old) ended up tripping himself and proceeded to not only fall but actually do what looked to be a somersault right in the crosswalk as hundreds of people were in the vicinity. His sunglasses went flying off in one direction as he went in the other. Amazingly, he sprung up incredibly quick (pride and adrenaline can do that). My mother and I have the unfortunate and obnoxious habit of laughing hysterically when someone gets hurt (not seriously hurt, though). So we were doubled over on the other side of the street gasping for air, laughing uncontrollably. Even now, the image makes me laugh. I know you would have had to be there, but let me assure you, you would have laughed.

The flight home was much better. I took two of my dad's Ativan and they worked much better for me. I actually just slept the entire flight.

We all had a great time. I will probably think of more things I wanted to share, but for now, this is it. I am so glad I am home, and that I survived the flights. I have a lot of catching up to do with the blogs, PM's and the other place.

Bon Voyage!

Well, I am leaving first thing Thursday morning and flying to Seattle, WA. where we will board the ship and cruise to Vancouver, Victoria and Nanaimo (British Columbia). We have relatives in Vancouver, so we will be able to see them while we are there. While I am excited to go, the truth is, I don't know that we will survive the flight. I have some Valium here, but that won't save my ass as the plane goes down, will it? And if we do make it there, it will be hard to relax because I know we will probably die on the way back. *sigh* Not only is it likely the plane will crash, but I am also claustrophobic, so my last hours will be spent miserably. I know we should have driven, but the family voted and decided it would be smarter to fly. I have no choice. So this is my goodbye post to all my old (and new) friends. If I die, you will know by Tuesday when I don't check in.

If I do make it back ok, I will admit that I am being paranoid.

In the meantime, could you guys tell me where you are all from...I see some of you have it in your profile, but not everyone.

Questions (thank you, arkie)

I really want to blog about something petty tonight, like my husband, (not that he is petty, but my complaints are) or, I want to ask you all a personal sex question, BUT, I don't want to be viewed as the cheap, trash talkin' blogger, so I'll refrain from those ideas and go with a suggestion made by arkie. Here are the questions I liked, answer one of them, or all of them.



Greatest Moment: don't leave anything out.

If you wanna be my lover... (I have no idea what this means but I thought it would be fun, either way)

Best compliment you've ever received.

Sex Tips...

Ok ladies, my last post was too sad, so I am going to do what I talked about in the post before that, sex tips. C'mon, don't be shy. Rose shared one, Coco shared one. I know Carey wants to share one. We need tips on how to get the sparks flying. How to get him/her in the mood (I'd be grateful if someone could tell me how to get him out of the mood, too). I've already shared mine, but I'm not sure it won't backfire, and I wouldn't suggest playing games, if you can help it. BTW, if you didn't see that blog entry, my only tip was to make him/her jealous. I didn't set out to do that, but insecurity brought the dog out of him and he's been "marking" me ever since.

Oh, and if you are a guy, feel free to share with us what we can do to get your attention.

Tonight I went out to dinner and a movie with my friend, Brianne. We saw that movie with Reese Witherspoon and my most sensible celebrity crush, Mark Ruffalo. It was a good enough movie, an overall nice evening.

So then I'm on my way home, (it's about a forty minute drive and I had just burned a CD for myself and I was looking forward to it) I'm listening to an awesome song, enjoying it immensely, when the words sunk in. I hadn't really paid attention to them before, but tonight they caught me off guard. Before I knew it, I could barely drive, I was sobbing so badly. And I hate to cry. I mean I really, really, hate it. The thing is, I found out yesterday that my brother's wife is leaving him after 13 years of marriage. We've never really clicked with her, so it wasn't immediately painful for me, as much as it was disturbing. She apparently fell out of love with him, and into love with someone else. We think it is her personal trainer based on some things that have happened, but she won't admit who it is.
They have two kids, ages 6 and 4. My brother knew his marriage was in trouble, there have been other signs, and he wanted to work things out so badly. He has been crying, and hurting so deeply. They were married young, have only been with eachother and seemed very happy for most of the 13 years. Anyways, here are the song lyrics. I am thinking of burning her this song, printing the lyrics and sending it to her. What do you think?

Wild World~ by Cat Stevens

Now that I've lost everything to you,
you say you want to start something new,
and it's breaking my heart you're leaving, baby I'm grieving.
But if you wanna leave take good care,
hope you have a lot of nice things to wear,
but then a lot of nice things turn bad out there.

Oh baby baby it's a wild world,
it's hard to get by just upon a smile.
Oh baby baby it's a wild world.
I'll always remember you like a child, girl.

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do,
and it's breaking my heart in two,
cause I never want to see you sad girl,
don't be a bad girl,
but if you want to leave take good care,
hope you make a lot of nice friends out there,
but just remember there's a lot of bad and beware,
beware, Oh baby baby it's a wild world,
it's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh baby baby it's a wild world,
and I'll always remember you like a child, girl.

Baby I love you,
but if you wanna leave take good care,
hope you make a lot of nice friends out there,
but just remember there's a lot of bad,
and beware, beware, oh baby baby it's a wild world,
it's hard to get by just upon a smile.

Oh baby baby it's a wild world,
and I'll always remember you like a child, girl.

My eyes are burning, red, and puffy. And now I hate her for ruining one of my favorite songs.

UPDATE!

This is an update, just to update my blog.

So...hmmm.....Oh! I know! DH pissed me off today when he came home for lunch. He actually stayed for like, 30 minutes. The gall!
And? He keeps wanting to have sex. What the heck is wrong with that man? We've been married for almost 10 years, give me a break already! I can't even use my leave-in hair conditioner anymore because the smell makes him horny. *rolls eyes* <--(I kinda stole that from Jen)

I have a question, what does it mean when you are trying to eat something but you can't bring yourself to swallow? You just keep chewing and wondering if you will ever be ready...and then when you do, you want to throw up. Even though you like what you are eating and haven't really eaten much. Just wondering.

Good freakin' morning

Well, I just got done doing ICB's ten questions, and I answer the one about what would you never do for money. Then I go back and read everyone elses answers and I feel like a shallow moron. I would never touch a spider? Other people said stuff like "I would never murder, leave my kids", etc. But whatever, I did it all in jest. Then...payback.

I grab my shredded wheat and MY cereal bowl, the one I like the best, because it's mine, and what do you know? Inside the bowl is a big, huge, nasty, freakin, SPIDER! It tried to run up the side of the bowl but the bowl is too slick, so it just slid back in. So I took a few steps back, very calmly and decided to maturely dispose of the spider. Yeah...RIGHT!

I started cursing, waving my arms around, pacing the living room and then of course I started to whimper, because truly, spiders are like Satan to me. And here he was, in my cereal bowl. After screaming at the cat, (because he should have noticed the spider in the house, right?) I got a book and set it on top the bowl. A heavy book, so the spider can't get out. And it will sit there until DH comes home. *sigh* I knew I have should have stayed in bed.

Edited to add~ further proof that I should go back to bed...as I went out to start some laundry I came thisclose to stepping on a dragonfly the cats left on the floor for me. Thank Gawd it was dead, but still. What is this world coming to?

How do YOU deal with it?

After reading the comments in my last post, I realized we all have something in common. A lot of us have a significant other, who we do not include in our OT life. I was relieved to know that I am not the only one who has gotten weird looks for referring to the peeps here as my friends. I have been very open with DH about OT. I don't tell him I regularly pm with one peep, a man who lives near me, because I know he would worry. He would think it was suspicious. The funny thing though is that it is not. I was amazed at first how very platonic you can be with the opposite sex. I never really had the opportunity to try it before. I was married young, and went from living with my parents to being a married mom (yes, the kids came first). So this is a new concept for me, and I like it. I have to admit though, that if DH had an online female "friend", I would probably not be cool with it. I guess I am hypocritical.
But other people don't understand the dynamic at OT. My parents would literally freak out if they knew about how much time I spend here, about the people I consider friends. Recently my mother "confronted" me about whether or not I spend time in chat rooms. She seems to think that because I am dieting and working out that maybe I found someone online. I can understand her concern, it is after all, how I met DH. I was 17 then and my parents were not too pleased with it. But still. I had to tell her that no, I do NOT have a boyfriend online. But I also couldn't tell her that I do indeed have friends here. She would have thought I was "up to something". *sigh*

I recently mentioned OT to a friend of mine (had to explain something I had said) and she asked me to email her the link to it, but I have not done it. I don't want anyone from my RL to be here. This is the place I can talk about my real life problems and friends without having to worry about hurting anyone. I'd like to eventually meet someone. Both Wanda, Bravie and MCatt live close enough to me, but I know DH would not like it at all. Right now, with my other problems with him, I don't need to add fuel to the fire. But someday, I would really like to.

So my question is, what does YOUR significant other, think of us? And do you want to keep OT to yourself? And do you flirt here, moreso than in real life? And do you think you will do a peep meet, if you haven't already?

(note to coco, if you come by, please go easy on me. I'm still learning the whole apostrophe thing)

Stolen from everyone else's blog...

1.What is the most adventurous thing you have ever done to your hair? One time, believe it or not, I actually had it cut so short it almost didn't touch my shoulder blades! (ok, I know that is lame, but I am not that adventurous) I really haven't done much, but I did go really blonde when I was a teenager. Other than that, it's always been dark blonde and long. Bleh.

2.Who gave you your name, and how did they choose it? My parents couldn't agree on names for a long time. How they ended up liking Tabitha is beyond me. I hate it. My dad's choice was Rachel, and I would have loved that.

3.What gives you the creeps? Oh, where do I go with this one...? First of course, there's bugs, duh. But then there is also germs, and they are everywhere! And old ladies. (I like old people, and I think they are cute, but I have to say sometimes an old lady looking at me for too long will freak me out) Windows at nighttime are very scary. You know someone can be right there looking in and with the lights on inside you can't see them. *shiver*

4.What relative do you most resemble in personality? My dad. We are very compatible as long as we have our spouses with us, because we are both very co-dependent. If it's just the two of us, we are pretty useless. (Why do I admit these things?)

5.How did you come up with the name of your blog? The name of my blog was what I was feeling when I started it. Not like pondering "what am I thinking?" as much as, "what the hell am I thinking??"

OT

So lately I've been wondering about the way OT has affected my life, my outlook. It was about a year and a half ago when I found it. I started getting spoiler info about Survivor and somehow made my way to OT. I hadn't even posted yet and was already addicted to it. One of my first memories is wondering if the peeps there knew eachother in real life...all this talk about a bar, about what to eat for lunch, the inside jokes. Very daunting. I saw a thread about wedding favor ideas and felt confident enough to post. In retrospect, I realize that anyone whose first post is on OT looks a little suspicious. Like a previous (banned) poster or something. Anyhow, I liked the way it felt to have that tiny bit of interaction with people, strangers even. So I stayed.

I think of myself as humble, and in that regard I kept a very low profile, always recognizing my DAW count was low and that I was a newbie. One thing I did do right though, I read all the guidelines and most of the Help forum. (I'm still shocked when I see older peeps testing sigs and whatnot there) So I gradually began posting more, and felt even more able to post in the BB forums since there were many new peeps there and it was less intimidating.

I am not sure why, but I gathered enough courage to start a thread (one of only two, the second as a favor to a friend who needed good vibes and prayers) but anyway, I started the thread asking for a sig pic and also about the bar. That night, thanks to help from a few peeps, I found it. It was incredible! Nicest people ever in there. Woeisme, Glow, Cappy, Bennyboy, to name a few. It was so nice and welcoming. Later the bar enabled me to get to know others too, CSTL, Asrai, Puffy, RollDdice, Tara...god I could go on here. The very next day it felt better being there (on OT), like I was finally in on the joke. I was (and am) still a little timid, but I feel secure there.

Over the last year, my point of view has changed on many, many things. I've learned a lot about how the world thinks. At least, how people outside of my world think. There are so many topics that I was too indifferent about, before. There are people that I would have never had the chance to know. I've shared some before, but I'll say again that I grew up in a very conservative, sheltered environment. I didn't even work in the real world when I grew up. I had a short lived job as a teenager but I wasn't interested in getting to know people (except a couple of cute co-workers). I didn't care about politics, religion, sexuality, pudding. I have gradually begun to see some changes in my thinking, in my comfort levels, my actions, even. OT has given me a freedom I didn't have before. Like my eyes were finally opened.

The old me? Wouldn't feel comfortable flirting (with anyone, much less women!!). I wouldn't have been able to tell you what the difference between a Democrat and a Republican was. I wouldn't have know that some people are so overly religious that they turn people off. I wouldn't have known about all the wonderful peeps who cannot get married, because they are gay. I wouldn't have known that Bush is an asshat. I wouldn't have known that there is a place, a community, in which every race, sexuality, religion, and "class" are accepted, loved, appreciated and in some cases just tolerated.

I am grateful to OT. To the people who have become my friends. Even knowing that in my situation I may never be able to meet them, or talk to them. Yet they are here, and they care. And I care for them. Crap! Now I'm getting all mushy. I just want to say I love you. And thank you.




(I've also learned that my spelling and punctuation could use some help)

Hmmm....

Well...I am now set up (for the most part) so that I can reclaim some privacy. Thank you Syren!
I will give this a few days and see how everything works. Believe it or not, I told DH what I had done and he encouraged it. He had no idea that it could be done, but he wants me to have my blog (he thinks I closed it down after last week) and he wants me to have the privacy. He just doesn't trust himself, so he is glad I am doing things this way. I just have to move some things over from favorites and I'll be set up. Of course, I will still have to be careful that I log out, or switch users everyday, but at least I won't have to worry all the time. I am excited! Thank you again Syren!!

Labor day weekend

Whew! What a weekend. I am glad it's over. We started on Friday, going to Quincy for my grandmothers funeral. It was ok, a lot of family around, a lot of activity to keep us busy. We always stay at my uncles house, which is where the reception was hosted afterwards. Fortunately we have our own room there and I was able to get away when I wanted to. At one point, my SIL's sister Denice asked me about the crystal mine and complained that she had never been. As preposterous as it was, I offered to take her right then. So off we went, wearing our dressy skirts and blouses, hiking down the mountain, then back up to the mine. (we did change into tennis shoes) It was probably the highlight of the day for me. Remember when I posted about planting crystals for my kids and niece and nephew? Well, Denice found some we had left behind and she was so excited! I did not have the heart to tell her they were plants.

The trip home was nice, my parents were staying one more night and offered to keep the kids so it was just DH and I. We were able to talk. A lot. We covered a lot of things and we summed it up by coming to the conclusion that DH was smothering me (his words).
He said some beautiful things to me. He said that my happiness comes before his, my needs, my desires, everything. He said all he wanted in life was to make me and the kids happy. I've always known that, based on his actions, but hearing it was touching. Of course I, being in such a twisted frame of mind took it as him being somewhat weak. I told him he should care more about himself. He should be selfish sometimes. I told him I wanted to go places by myself. That I needed to be more self-sufficient. That never leaving home and going straight into a traditional marriage had left me feeling very childish. Like I had never been able to mature, or experience anything. Not much we can do about that, but he said if I want to go places on my own that I could. I have a lot to think about. I need to be able to trust myself to do things. But it's all a good start.

Now, on to today. Actually, it started yesterday. DH and I went to dinner and we brought up the topic of his father. He had never met his dad. His mother and father divorced when he was a baby, and his mother did not make it easy on his dad, so he moved on, had another family. About two years ago, his dad came by our house out of the blue. (same house DH was raised in)
He left a note saying "hi son, call me, Dad" It was weird. DH called him, heard him out a bit and then declined the offer to meet, or to even talk again. Well, maybe the death of my grandmother triggered something, I don't know but DH brought it up again and said he was going to call him, and wanted to meet him. So he called him last night and they set up a lunch date for today. We drove about 40 minutes to his dads town and met him and DH's brother at a diner. How weird! His brother looked very similar to how DH looked at that age (16). His dad was sweet, a bit odd, but sweet. I don't know if DH wants to see him again or if that satisfied his need. He is not sure. But what a weekend huh? Buried my grandmother, hashed things out with DH and met his father all in one weekend. I am tired.

I could go on, there is more about me, the things I am thinking...but I do not feel as safe here as I used to. DH has asked me to not tell him if I kept my blog and he wants me to be careful about not leaving it out in the open (Duh!) but now I will never feel as safe. I have other blogs bookmarked, and if he ever was curious enough he could look into them and see my comments which would bring him here. I doubt he would, but I am just not as sure anymore. I hope you all had a terrific weekend!

and then the shit hit the fan...

well tonight DH confronted me with his worst fears. That I am having an emotional affair. He admitted he read my blog. He promised me privacy, gave me his word. Imagine being him, and reading what I wrote. I am so beside myself I don't know what to do. I am hurt, angry, and so sorry he read those things. I don't know where to go from here. He apologized profusley, after admitting to going onto a marriage counseling message board where he posted our problems, they convinced him I am cheating and told him to get a key logger. Nice huh? I am too drained to continue right now. I have been crying for hours. All I wanted was some privacy. My life is an open book to him, I wanted somewhere I could be me, and write freely. Apparently I left the history open one night, with my blog just sitting there. He says he was so afraid I was going to leave him and he had to know what was going on. Well, I told him he deserved to read what he did, and he still has no answers, because neither do I.

need to vent

I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with me. I have been a bitch today (lately). So bad, so mean, to DH. We had to go school shopping and I damn near called him an idiot for getting the wrong socks (twice). He keeps touching me, and being all loving. I don't want him to. I want to be alone. After we got home, he walks up to me, hands me a Smirnoff and says he's taking the kids out for a while. I jokingly laughed and said at least I'm not like this all the time. He laughed and said "gee, next week I'll have to take them for a weekend" and I said "yeah, you know that cruise we are all supposed to go on?" and then I smiled as if to say maybe they would go without me. He said "table for three?" and we laughed. Then as he walked out the door I started crying. Because it's true. Because right now I want nothing to do with him. And it's not his fault. I almost want him to screw up somehow, so I have an excuse to feel this way. But I don't, and he never does. He is too nice. But it doesn't help. Have I fallen out of love? I know I love him. But am I "in love" with him? He bugs the shit out of me ALL the time. He can't make jokes. He is too loud. I could go on, but I feel guilty bitching about these petty little things when I know it shouldn't matter. When you love someone you overlook all that stuff. Why don't I? I am literally miserable right now. But I would be a fool to screw this marriage up. Not to mention I have really screwed myself over by not having any options. I never went to college. I don't think I could survive on my own. And I don't want to. I want to feel differently about him. I want to look at him and think he's cute. Or funny. Or smart. He is smart, just not in a way I like. (see what a bitch I am) I want to be attracted to him. For the first time in 12 years, I am second guessing my choices. I was so young, and we had two kids instantly. What were my options? I thought I had to marry him. Even though we have been happily married (we never fight, and we communicate well) my first memory on my wedding day? Me feeling sick right after we were announced man and wife. So I knew back then, on some level, that I wasn't thrilled with him. But honestly, I was so obsessed with losing him, I never even considered what I wanted. I just wanted him to want me. And he does. And does it perfectly. I've said before how embarassingly good he treats me. And I've always treated him good too. It's only been fairly recently that I started letting my mind wander. But I can't leave, I love him too much to hurt him, and I love my kids too much to tear their world apart. Especially since our world is so "happy".
So, I am an ungrateful bitch, who my friends are jealous of. And I need to snap out of it. I need to do something. I just don't know where to start, or how.

and so it goes

My grandma died this evening. She started her "death rattle" (WTF?) and within the hour she was gone. My brother called me, upset, to tell me. I felt pretty cold hearted when I just said "thank you for telling me", with no emotion. I said my goodbye to her on Wednesday night, and feel comfortable with it. I feel badly for my mother, who has now lost both parents. I assume the services will be within the next week or two. I do feel sadness, and I know at some point I will feel the need to cry, but I feel empty now. I felt the same way after my grandfather died a year and a half ago. Then out of the blue, a month or so ago, the emotion hit me. I assume it will be similar with my grandma.

I've always hated crying. I hate it so much that I will suppress my feelings, my pain, just to avoid it. I've done it as long as I can remember. When my DH (then boyfriend) broke up with me over ten years ago, instead of being upset and crying, I got determined. I decided I wasn't going to allow that kind of pain, and instead I devised a plan to get him back. It worked. I successfully avoided the pain, and prevented the need for it. I've always been this way. So when my grandpa died, I decided I would cry when I visited his grave. I scheduled it. I end up suppressing it for so long that the pain changes, the need for a release changes. I have no idea if it's a good or bad thing to do, but it's what I have always done.

Tonight, I just won't let myself dwell on it. No sad music, no sad movies, no sad stories. If I can get through the next few weeks I should be ok.

Out of the house....

At least for a little while anyways. Tonight I met a friend for dinner. She has been my best friend since I was around 15, and she was 12. We lived 5 hours apart, but we managed to get our moms to drive eachother halfway so that we could spend a few days with eachother. As we have grown up, gotten married and had children, we have grown apart a little bit, being busy with life, but we always find our way back to eachother.

She is 7 months pregnant and I wanted to see her before the baby was born, so tonight I drove to her house and we went to dinner. She only lives about 40 minutes away now, so it is sad that so much time goes by between visits. Her husband kept their 2 year old son so we could be childless. It was fantastic! I think I enjoyed the drive just as much as being with her. I loved driving alone, listening to my music with no interuptions. I am definitely going to do it again soon.

saying goodbye

Tonight I drove to Reno to say goodbye to my grandmother. What a weird feeling that is. I know a lot of people don't get the opportunity to say goodbye, so I do feel fortunate there. But it is also really strange. I don't like knowing days in advance that she is going to die. It kind of bothers me that she is starving herself, too. She no longer wants to live so she has just quit everything, food, water, oxygen. She was too weak and semi-unconscious to even realize we were there. So I held her hand, told her I loved her, and said goodbye. It feels wrong. I wanted to tell her to wake up, quit killing herself, but of course I didn't. She misses my grandfather, who has been gone for a year and a half now. She is in pain. We just realized she has two tumors in her head, and that may have caused some dementia. Maybe that is why she is refusing food and water. Maybe she is not consciously deciding to kill herself.

Here's a funny tidbit...her roommate (in the hospital) is seriously deranged. A younger woman compared to most of the seniors there. Anyhow, she talks to herself a lot, and a couple of days ago (while my grandma was still lucid) she was talking to "someone on the phone" and she said, "don't worry, there is no Mafia in Reno". Well, my grandma heard this, and suffering from paranoia, immediately opened her eyes and whispered to my mother, "did you hear that? The Mafia is here, we need to get out of here, right now!" LMAO! Perfect! Every convalescent hospital needs a crazy person to stir shit up!

Anyhow, I am sad tonight, and reflective. Hard to believe that both my grandparents will be gone. Part of life, I know. Just a hard part.

I'm home!

Feels like I was gone forever. My weekend was spent with family, in a beautiful little town nestled in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. We go every year in August, when the county fair is there. This year was a first, neither of my grandparents were there. My grandfather passed away in March of '04, and my grandmother is in a hospital in Reno, within days of dying. It is still important to me to go, for the children's sake, and also for my mother who is obviously taking everything a lot harder than me. We had a great time, despite the knowledge of my grandmothers health.

The good stuff~

The stars. I sat on the second level deck with my aunt and drank wine as we watched the meteor shower. Unbelievable. It sickens me that I can't see even a fraction of the stars here in the city, as you can up there. But we had a wonderful time, laughing, reminiscing and catching up. My neck is sore, but it was well worth it.

~~~~~~~~~

My grandfather has a mine on his property, we call it the crystal mine, but I suppose it was originally a gold mine, and the quartz is what was blasted all over the area while mining. Anyhow, as a child my cousins and I picked it over pretty good, and though we can still find handfuls of crystals each visit, I wanted to make it a little more exciting for the kids. So I bought some crystals and hiked up to the mine yesterday and planted them. Today I took my niece and nephew (their first time) and my twins up to the mine, and OMG, it was so worth it! They were so giddy at finding all the large beautiful crystals everywhere. My 4 year old nephew thinks he found "diamonds" and he was ecstatic. Of course he and my niece were just as thrilled with the rocks they were finding, but my two were genuinely excited about the crystals they found.

~~~~~~~~~

We started a family tradition to have a party each year celebrating our anniversaries, all together since it is so hard to keep up all year long. They make homemade ice cream, barbecue, play croquet, volleyball, ping-pong, you name it. My family is jacked up, like everyone's I suppose, but we all put on our happy faces and get along for the weekend. Some are easy to be with and others, well, not so much. But it was a good time.

The bad stuff~

Of course there will always be some things that are not as we would like, or are hard to do. This weekend was no exception.

After the crystal mine, we hiked over to my grandparents house to look around, and to see the animals (they lived on a ranch) . Well, for the first time in my life, the house was empty, and locked. We couldn't get in. It was a sobering feeling to know that this was the new reality. To know that everything has changed, and my childhood playground was no longer open. It was sad, and while I do not easily get emotional, I really had to work on stifling it at that moment. The worst part? My grandpa's dog was still there, on the porch. He is so old he can't see, he can barely move. Why has nobody put him down? He must be so lonely. My uncle lives on the same road, and he goes over everyday to feed the animals, so the dog wasn't starving, but it clearly needs to be put out of it's misery.

~~~~~~~~~

DH and I got along pretty well this weekend. We usually do, and my family loves him, so it was not unusual , but what was unusual was my still constant need to be left alone. I offended him so much this weekend. I'd say I was going for a walk, and I wouldn't invite him. I'd sit in the car, listening to music, and when he'd come to check on me, I'd tell him I wanted to be alone. I'd be quiet and when he asked what was wrong, I'd say I had a headache. I feel myself pulling away from him. I feel so badly about it. He really doesn't deserve it. He does everything right, and yet to me, everything is wrong. My family would disown me if I ever messed up my marriage. I couldn't be happy with anyone else, so I know I have to do something.

So that was my weekend. And believe it or not, I left out a lot of stuff. If anyone made it this far, I'm impressed. I'm glad to be back and now will go catch up with everyone I've missed!

mid-life crisis???

So tonight I hear this song, the most cheesy, 80's song ever, and it struck a chord with me. Here are the lyrics...

I've Never Been To Me
( Charlene )

"Hey lady, you lady, cursing at your life~You're a discontented mother and a regimented wife~I've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do~But, I wish someone had talked to me, Like I wanna talk to you.....Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run ~I took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun~But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free~I've been to paradise but I've never been to me~Please lady, please lady, don't just walk away'Cause I have this need to tell you why I'm all alone today~I can see so much of me still living in your eyes~Won't you share a part of a weary heart that has lived million lies....Oh, I've been to Niece and the Isle of Greece while I've sipped champagne on a yacht~I've moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got~I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see~I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me
[spoken] Hey, you know what paradise is?It's a lie, a fantasy we create about people and places as we'd like them to be~But you know what truth is? It's that little baby you're holding, it's that man you fought with this morning~The same one you're going to make love with tonight~That's truth, that's love......Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children that might have made me complete~But I took the sweet life, I never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet~I've spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free~Hey lady......I've been to paradise, (I've been to paradise) But I've never been to me(I've been to Georgia and California, and anywhere I could run) I've been to paradise, never been to me"

Lately, I have been feeling unsettled, seeing a lot of the negative in my life. I see what I didn't get, what I can't have, what I always wanted. I am trying to see what I *do* have, trying to see that sometimes those other things are not as important. My husband wrote me an email (as he does every day) and he said "I love you so much. You are truly my best friend and the love of my life, and I am so lucky to have you." This should have made me so happy, but instead, I frowned. Why? What is wrong with me? He knows something is wrong, he can sense it, and he is trying to make everything better, but he can't. He can't, because it is not his to fix. Only I can.
I am hoping this is all some weird age related thing, hormonal maybe. Like the song lyrics say, "I have never been to me". I don't even know what that means, but it must mean something because that is what I keep thinking about. Unlike the character in the song, I have never done or experienced anything that would make me "worldly". I was a good girl, and I got married and had babies. I never dated, didn't even attend high school (home schooling). So now I am wondering, did I miss out on something? And does it even matter, now that I am "happily" married? How dare I be so selfish? He loves me, he adores me, he babies me. And I? Am grateful. And I love him. I do. So what is my problem? When did I start questioning all these things, and how am I supposed to fix it? For now I will keep on the way we have been. He has no idea what is going on in my head, he has no idea what I am thinking about. He loves me, unconditionally, and he is a better person than me. I am lucky. I will tell myself that repeatedly, until it sinks in. And maybe this will all pass and I will feel silly for saying anything at all...

Ten years old...

Tonight, my children are staying up until midnight. Why? Because tomorrow they will be 10 years old. They want to see if they "feel" anything at midnight. Well, I'm feeling something... complete sadness, terror, anxiety. I am not ready for them to be 10. It means that they have now spent more time living here already, than they have left. It means they are almost "pre-teens", which is alarmingly close to "teens".

I am not ready for this kind of maturing. I am not ready to relinquish the control I have. I have been wondering if I have done enough for them. Have I instilled morals and values in them? Have I properly cared for their mental, emotional and physical health?
And when they leave...what then? Who am I? I never got to "find myself" before I was pregnant with them. Who I am...is their mom. I am scared for the future, theirs and mine.
I am scared of losing the one thing I know. The one thing that makes me feel complete, and happy. I am scared to lose them. Will they need me? What will I do? What if I can't protect them?

Motherhood is so strange in the end. You give them your youth, you give them everything you know to give, your knowledge, your strength, support, love, you give them your very self. And then they grow up, and you are left wondering. Was it enough? Can it ever be? Are the problems they are sure to have, going to be my fault? Should I have done something differently?

I realize they are only turning 10, and not 18 or 20, but the time has flown by so quickly that I can't help but anticipate how quickly the rest will go. And it makes me sad. I remember when they were toddlers, I said when they turned 10, I would cry. And here I am, crying. How did it happen so quickly? Where did my babies go? *sigh*

I will say though, that I am loving getting to know them better. I love seeing them develop a sense of humor, and a sense of pride. I love watching their minds work, and solving problems on their own. I love their beaming faces as they find out they have grown an inch, or outgrown a shoe size. I love the people they are becoming, but I sorely miss the babies that were once so tiny. Oh god, I think I need another baby! (DH will disagree~ since he has had his vasectomy)
:)

Finally!

For the last few weeks I have been slowly going insane. Partly because my kids have been at home all day with me since early June, and partly (perhaps even moreso) because DH has been coming home several times a day. He works right here in town and lately it's been slow for him. So, he comes home. Why this bothers me I have no idea. It was getting so bad that just seeing his car drive up would piss me off. I started getting really rude and distant towards him. I couldn't even talk to him about the little everyday things because I was so angry at him. I didn't think I should tell him what was wrong, because I felt I was wrong for feeling it. But finally, yesterday, it came out. I don't remember how it started but I know I was so hateful towards him that I decided it had to be better to be honest, as opposed to living like that.

He was quite surprised, to say the least. But I reminded him that I've always been a person who enjoyed my alone time. In fact, I need my alone time. He agreed to only come home once, for lunch, and he said he would call before he came. He sent me an email saying how all he wants is for me to be happy, and that he would do whatever it takes to help. How can I be so mean to a guy that is so nice? I don't know, but I do know that if I hadn't told him what was going on with me I would have run away. I was so on the verge of leaving, just for a couple of days even, to be alone. I've never lived alone in my life, in fact, I can count on one hand how many times I have *ever* been alone for a whole day (and night). Maybe I am weird for needing it, maybe it's all because the kids have been home all summer, maybe both. Either way, I feel so good to have finally stepped up and took care of my needs. And, I am so happy that my DH can at least try to understand me enough to give me the space.

Now, I only hope it's enough to give me some peace.

PMS-ing...

I am PMS-ing. It sucks. I hate everyone. DH made a tuna sandwhich and it stunk up the house. Cat jumped on the ironing board while I was ironing, then he had the nerve to hang on when I tried to push him off. So the board tipped over and the pad came off. Argh! Then my cell phone was dead. Then I had no gas. Then I had to go to my parents to get the kids swim suits. Then I didn't have time to eat. Then I go to a friends house, and acted happy that she looked great and is buying a new house. (guess that answers the question of what kind of friend I am)
Then I find out that in order to be nice and keep my cousins kids overnight for her, I have drive out to her house in the middle of nowhere because her husband changed their plans. I can't back out, either. Then I am told I need to do three bankruptcies between now and tomorrow afternoon. All while I am PMS-ing!

Sorry for the rant. I just had to get that out.

And the one time I *did* laugh today? I had a mud mask on that had completely dried and it hurt like HELL!

Stolen from Syren who stole it from Arkie :)

Firsts

First job: Customer service at Circuit City
First screen name: motormouth
First funeral: Grandfather
First pet: Dog named Roscoe
First piercing: Ears, around 10 years old
First tattoo: Sadly, I have none
First credit card: Can't remember
First kiss: Age 17, kissed by then boyfriend, current DH
First enemy: Can't say I've had one

Lasts

Last car ride: Two days ago (I don't get out much)
Last kiss: Well, I kiss my kids goodnight every night
Last movie watched: Wedding Crashers
Last beverage drank: Water, nothing but water
Last food consumed: Applesauce
Last phone call: DH, telling me he was coming home Again! (he should stay at work, no?)
Last time showered: This morning
Last CD played: AC/DC
Last website visited: RealityTVWorld

Now

Single or taken: Married
Gender: Female
Birthday: 1/08/76

siblings: 2 brothers
Hair color: Dark blonde
Eye color: Green/hazel
Shoe size: 8
Height: 5'3 (getting nervous for a sec, thinking weight was next, lol)
Wearing: Black Betty Boop T-shirt and blue jeans
Drinking: Water
Thinking about: Deep stuff, politics, religion, what nail polish to choose...
Listening to: "The Joker" by Steve Miller Band *love that song*