My DH

This post is going to be about my DH. Sometimes I feel that I portray him as my oppressor. So tonight I want to tell a little about him.

We met on a school funded "computer" that had a chat function. (I was 17, he was 19) I said hello to him first and from there we started chatting as often as we could. I eventually asked him where he lived and he shocked my by saying that he lived in #####, which was the same town as me. Since there were so many who were chatting from all over the U.S and from other countries, I didn't expect that at all. As we got to know each other better, I realized he was exactly what I liked. A "rocker". He had very long hair, liked heavy metal, and seemed like a "bad boy". He wanted to meet but I resisted, knowing my parents would rather die than let me meet up with a stranger from the internet. After some time, I asked where exactly he lived in #####...and to my horror, he said he lived on X street. I about fell out of my chair. I lived on X street! The street is kinda long and we lived about 10 houses apart, with a cross street between us. So, I eventually called him, which led to me sneaking out to meet him. We started seeing eachother 12 years ago tonight.

He was indeed all the bad things I was attracted to. He smoked, drank, sold weed, and all the other things I already mentioned. I was flattered that he liked me. He had a lot of friends, girls came over to his house a lot. He had the house to himself since his mother had moved out. It was a constant party there, keg and pool table included. I was so out of my element it wasn't funny. And yet he made me feel comfortable. I didn't get to see him often since I couldn't tell my parents about him, so we had stolen moments here and there. I told him I was waiting until marriage to have sex and he was not happy, but respectful of that. This went on for a year and a half. Sneaking out, making out, holding out. I'll spare the details but I eventually decided to sleep with him, we were both virgins and had waited long enough. I was very disappointed in myself for not waiting but I was also very grateful to him for putting up with my shit.

While we were dating, I decided I was uncomfortable with one of his girl friends. They went on drives together and generally hung out. I might have been more ok with it had I been able to hang out too, but I was still sneaking around at that point so I couldn't be there since my parents were right down the street. I was very jealous and insecure. He respected my feelings and stopped the time he spent with her on a one on one basis. So fast forward a couple months, I'm pregnant, have to tell my parents, and we decide to get married. Somewhere along the way he cut his hair for a work promotion, he stopped smoking when I got pregnant, and the drinking was cut back. As we neared marriage, other little things happend too, he traded his keg for a clothes dryer, he kicked out his roomies, and he stopped selling. When our kids were born, he stayed by my side even though he was unbearably uncomfortable with my parents and family.
He resisited my mothers attempts to guilt him into letting her be in the delivery room with me. He stood his ground. When the kids were born, he had a flower arrangement made for me that was so big, when our kids were two years old, they were able to sit in the basket together.

He dealt with feeling like an outsider, and stuck through it all with me. He paid child support until we were married and still bought everything for them.
By the time we were married, my parents loved him. He had proven to be a good man, who treated the babies and myself as well as parents could hope for.
The funny thing is that who I thought I was attracted to, isn't who he is at all. He treats me so good it's embarassing. He lets me be a bad wife, not cleaning the house, not making him dinner. I try to do those things of course, but when I don't, he doesn't even mention it. He does all the grocery shopping, he cooks a lot of the time, he will clean when he sees something needs it. He brings me gifts. He never goes out with friends, in fact most of them disappeared when we were married. He is a 100% family man. Most of my friends like him more than me. (which is why I keep him away from some) He has never cheated on me, never disrespected me in any way.

Once, he went with his long time childhood friend to a ball game, with a couple of his friends and when he came home, he was a little unnerved. He told me that they had wanted to go to a strip club and he said no. They put pressure on him saying what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. He stood his ground and refused. He knew they would think he was lame for not going, but he also knew I would be hurt if he had gone.
The thing about me is, I'm extremely conservative. I know alot of women wouldn't care if their men went as long as they came home to them. I'm not like that. No. No, you can't go gawk at other women, get all worked up, come home and use me. No. I'm possessive and I'm jealous and frankly I think I have too much pride to let someone make a fool of me. I used to be convinced that all men cheated. So I set traps, I watched his every move, monitored everything.

I went overboard for sure, but at the end, I knew I wasn't being played. Hell, I used to freak out at the thought of him masterbating. Thought it meant I wasn't good enough. I've gotten over that kind of stuff, I don't drill him about who he works with, I don't try to catch him lying. He is a faithful man. He is so kind and gentle. So freakin considerate. I get massages whenever I want. He will go to the store at midnight for me if I have a craving. And yet, he is still a strong man who will put his foot down when he thinks I've gone too far. He has been stern with me, but never yells, never calls me names. (at least not out loud) When we rarely fight, we are calm and able to communicate well. I can be nasty when I'm angry, I know what to say that hurts him. He isn't like that. He tries so hard not to hurt me. Even when he screws up, which he has done, he never repeats it again. He learns from it. He has also learned from me.

When we first met, he was a blank canvas, waiting to be painted. His mother hadn't taught him anything about being social, about parenting, anything. So he was a sponge and he soaked up everything I believed in. I guess maybe that's why we work. Who wouldn't want to be with someone who adopts your beliefs, with their whole heart, because they never developed their own opinions? Strike that-that sounds horrible. He is not a robot, who does what I say. He likes a lot of things that I don't, has many different ideas. In fact we joke that we are opposites, because we rarely agree on the little things. What I mean is that most people argue about finances, children, politics and religion. He was never really informed or interested in any of those things until we met. So like many married people do, he kind of adopted my beliefs because he was so indifferent to begin with.

I often ask him to tell me his opinion, and I ask him to explain why it is the way it is, because I fear that he just goes along with me without thinking, but the truth is he does think about it, he just tends to agree with me. (how can I argue with that?) So we get along beautifully. I've even changed some of my stricter, more uptight ways, to be more like him. It works for us.
He is actually much smarter than me intellectually, it pisses me off to no end that he has an IQ of 146. But I beat him in the common sense and social skills department, so we compliment eachother really.

I know in my heart that I could never do better than my DH. Not because my self esteem is low, but because he really is that good. I do foolish things sometimes, but I would never risk losing him. I honestly cannot imagine a happier marriage.

So, if you've read this far, thank you. It was a long post but I am so glad I got this out there.

what I learned this weekend...

...is that I should not drink almost half a bottle of Goldschlager. It makes me feel sick. (I think it was more like a third) At any rate, this is the best blog update I can come up with for now. :)

and today is almost over...

not to sound dramatic but today kind of sucked. I had to get up early so I could go with my grandmother to my cousins house. My cousin is great. She is a nurse, and just a great person all around. The problem is she moved a freakin hour away from town (which is roughly an hour and a half when grandma drives). Why did grandma have to drive? I have no idea, she just wanted to. So she gets to my house about an hour later than she said she would, and then we are off. She is one of the most self-righteous people I have ever met. So judgemental too. (kind of goes with the former) Anyhow, so we get out there, and the kids go off to play so we three start chatting. Somehow the topic goes to spiders. I? Am arachnophobic. So my cousin says to follow her. We go into the laundry room where she points to the light. Inside the plastic light case (for lack of a better description) is the outline of a spider.

Now, I have gotten better over the years. Like now I can shower even if there is a daddy longlegs in the bathroom. For years I could not which was a problem since they are fairly common. Anyhow, a week ago or so I found a black widow in the garage and I killed it myself. I used a lot of swear words in the proccess, since for some reason that makes me braver, but I soaked the bastard in poison and dropped a can of paint on it. I never checked but I am pretty sure I killed it. :) The point is that I have gotten much better at dealing with them when I have to. So back to the story. I look at this spider and I am thinking "that cannot be a spider" it was simply too big. I have never seen anything that size in person before. It was obviously not a tarantula, since I would not live here if they did. The spider was probably about 3 1/2 inches long and 3 inches wide. The body was large but the legs were not incredibly thick. We could not see any coloration through the plastic. So I naturally said it was time to go. I was serious, but grandma was not ready. So at that point I have goosebumps and am shivering. I simply could not be in the house anymore. Of course outside wasn't much better since that is where it came from. Nobody seems to take these things seriously. Even now, I am jumpy at the thought of it. Once I passed out after hyperventilating when I found a wolf spider near me. I would rather die than have a spider touch me. So it's serious dammit!

We eventually left, and I started wondering if I could let my kids stay there this Sunday overnight. What if there are more? What if they bite? I told my cousin she had to get it down, find out what kind it is and let me know. The day got worse because once I got home, my older brother asked me to bring my kids to our parents house to swim, I said yes even though I was tired and wanted to stay home, more drama ensued but I am too tired and this post is already too long so you are spared. Thank god it's bedtime! Just hope I don't have nightmares.

getting old....

Sucks! I think I found a wrinkle tonight. I have to wait and check it out in the morning. I will be 30 in a few months and I have given myself a goal to be healthier by then. I have been eating well, (even dropped a few pounds already) I walk in the evening. I was feeling all proud and optimistic when *BOOM* I find what appears to be a line, or crease or something. Who am I kidding? It's a freaking wrinkle. The funny thing? I don't refer to myself as a woman yet, I just feel like a girl. I can't bring myself to say it. I can write it, but I don't really mean it. I think it's because I am still close to my parents, live near them and everything. Makes me stay in a younger frame of mind maybe. When we are around other adults I always feel like I shouldn't be there, like I need to head back to the "little kids table".
I remember when I was younger I couldn't wait to be a "woman", but I never got to the point where I felt like one. Maybe in part because I went from teenager, to mother. Maybe "woman" is something that is suppose to happen between those two things. When I was 16 I had a friend named Jenny, she was killed in a car accident at 18 years old. When I read the story in the paper, I almost laughed because they called her a woman. What?!? She was my friend, not a woman! So I know I became a woman when I turned 18. Maybe when I turn 30 it will hit me. Maybe then I can say with a straight face that I feel like a woman.
All this reflecting because of a damn wrinkle. No greys yet though. And maybe when I wake up this thing will be gone. Granted I had to use a magnifying mirror to see it but still. It's there and I know it. I told my DH that I am now officially dying. My body is going in reverse now, from young to old. He should trade me in now. Ahhh, sorry for the long rambling rant. I do feel better now! :)

Home Alone

Yay! DH took the kids to a ball game and I have the house to myself! I am going to watch TV and do nothing. (I have tons of stuff TiVo'ed that I need to watch)

My grandmother is in town and I am probably going to have her over tomorrow. She is a draining person to be around. You know the type, very sweet one moment and then bitter and judgemental the next. She likes to hint at things rather than come out and say it or ask it. Like, "I would have wanted to stay at your mum and dads but they are too busy for me". Or "I never hear from your brother, he must be angry at me for something, altho what *I* could have possibly done escapes me". Very sarcastic, needy and pessimistic. She adores me, because I email her regularly and always make time for her when she comes. She is my grandmother after all. But it is draining. Listening to negativity all the time under the guise of being so very pleased with herself. Everywhere she goes "everyone just loves her and her canadian sense of humor" and yet she moves a lot and says she never liked the people there. *shrug* Whatever. She's had a hard life, mom left her as an infant and then died shortly after, bad husbands, she's been married about 8 times and who knows if any of her 7 children are actually fully related.
Ick, now I sound mean. I feel for her, I do. She has been kind to me and who knows how long she will be around, so I will continue to love her, despite herself.

Now, off to watch me some GH! **smooches**

Minor rant

This will probably make me seem petty but here it is. Dad calls tonight and is talking to DH on the phone about doing something at 7:30, so I assume dinner, since we do that fairly often with them. So DH hangs up and says, "do you mind if I go to see Batman Begins with your dad tonight?" I was bummed that it was not a family invite to dinner but of course I told DH to go and I figured I would play in the bar and have some relaxing evening time without DH.

So, about 10 min. later my mom calls me and says, "has your brother called you about watching nephew yet?" I said no, and was somewhat relieved that he hadn't called, since I had just spent time with my nephew this afternoon and really didn't feel like watching him. I wanted to relax without DH home and I knew my kids would be occupied watching a movie or whatever in the other room. So mom starts getting all worried saying, "oh no, I bet he's planning on taking him since he didn't want to call and ask you" I say, "fine, let him. I'm not going to call him and ask, if he needs me, he should have called" at which point mom says ok and we hang up. 1 minute later my brother calls and asks me. So I say fine and at that point was really fuming. I don't know why.

I guess I was so disappointed that I had to do it. Also, the fact that my mom was going to the movie too pissed me off because I had thought it was going to be just the boys. So while my parents take my brother and husband to the movies, I'm stuck at home babysitting. WTF? I don't swear. Really I don't. But then, my mom calls me back right after my brother and says she needs me to go pick nephew up at the theatre because they don't have time to bring him to me. Are you freakin kidding me? She knew I was already pissed about doing it! Then she adds to it. So I say fine. Again. Then I hang up the phone and I say Fuck! Which I never say remember? Of course it was more of a whisper but still.

At this point dinner was out the window and DH decides to get Subway since we are all in a hurry. By the time he gets back I have to leave to be there to get my nephew. DH is taking his car and says he is going to eat real fast and then go. So I leave our food on the table and head out. I get there right before the movie should be starting and don't see them anywhere. The funny thing here, not to go backwards but I'd like to add that I had been listening to some really good, happy music on the way and listening to my kids sing had lifted my mood. I was going to impress everyone with my much happier outlook when I saw them . So where the hell were they? I drive around the parking lot, (did I mention it was pouring?) and eventually call their cell phones. All three of them. No answer. Call again, mom picks up, me: where are you? mom: we are picking up DB and DN right now. me: but I am here at the theatre, I left our dinner on the table. mom: I'm sorry we were stuck in traffic. me: so you're not even going to make the 7:30 show? mom: I guess not. What that means to me is A) they should have called to tell me not to break my back to get there on time and B) they could have dropped DN off at my house since they were no longer in a hurry. I went from forcing myself to feel ok with it, right back to being bitterly angry. By the time they arrive, I pull up next to them and DB brings nephew over to my car and I smile and act totally fine because I'm really angry at my mom more than my brother. They will be coming here afterwards to pick nephew up and I'm not sure I will want to see them. Am I being stupid here? I know I overreacted. I feel so much better about watching him now, I am just pissed because I know my parents are thinking that I'm a spazz. Maybe I am. I can live with that. Now I am going to find some Goldschlager(sp) and drink myself silly.

Edited to add, I just had to run next door to get my super cute neighbor to open the bottle, I couldn't do it for the life of me. Do you think he thinks I am a lush?

homemade salsa

*yum* I made some tonight. I grilled the tomatoes on the barbecue, as well as the peppers. I think it is yummy but DH made some last night and his may have been better. His had more of a kick to it. Burned my tongue, had to drink lots of water, but his was really good.
I didn't shower today. Didn't do any bankruptcies. Didn't do much of anything. Well, I did plant our tomato plant finally, poor thing has been sitting in the container it came in. I also cleaned a portion of the garage. It needed it, especially the sweeping. Oh, and I washed dishes. But that's it. What a bum I am. Found out DD has Strep (again) (or still) whatever, she needs to be on two different medicines and if they don't get it all this time they will remove her tonsils. But DS is doing much better so that's good. Wow, I can't think of one interesting thing to add here, so if you are reading this, I am sorry for that. Maybe I shouldn't post unless something interesting happens. I am just rambling here for the sake of writing...but DS just called me and said he is ready for me to come in and tuck him in. (yes, he stayed up late, it's summer vacation) That's it for now, maybe tomorrow I will create some kind of drama so I'll have something to write about. ;-)

Who wants to see my kids?

If this works you will see my babies, not extremely recent shots but still them...I decided to use the links for now since the other way makes them too big...most people say my daughter and I look just alike, but I see alot of me in my son too, so I don't know.

http://tinypic.com/5xsq6w

http://tinypic.com/5xsqc7

http://tinypic.com/5xsryw

I am so tired

Well, it's freakin 1:15 am and I still have to do some more with these bankruptcies before I can go to bed. So why do I do obsessively stupid things? When I feel stressed, or have a deadline, I go into panic mode which means I do nothing. Well, nothing productive anyways. Like this stupid hair brush sitting here. I notice it has some fluff in it. Not hair, since I'm anal about cleaning the hair out right after using it, but actual linty stuff. So I start picking it out. Then I get a comb to get into the tiny bristles. Then I get tweezers because I'm pretty sure I can get more out still. Then I get out the eyelash comb because it's even smaller than the regular comb. It works really well, fwiw. It's blue lint. WTH? By now my fingers are raw and hurting from pulling the lint out (brush looks fantastic though) and I start to think, why do I do this? Then, before I can answer that, I get up, go into the bathroom and get the other brush. And start over. So, after wasting about an hour, I still have work to do. I used to do a similarly obsessive thing with my shirt too. Chris, you have cats so I know you know about cat hair. Well, I hate cat hair. Banished the poor cats from the couches (duh, they're new) anyhow, so I need something to do so I pick the cat up, cuddle it for a few seconds, put it down and happily start picking the hairs off my shirt. Sometimes when I finished I would pick the cat up again. Sometimes I would turn my shirt backwards and once or twice even inside out, looking for any hairs. If I'm in public and someone has a stray hair on their clothing...I sneak up behind them and remove it, without them even knowing. (god I hope I never get caught) If DH is with me, he won't let me do it. Bottom line? Apparently I am a freak. :-) I don't think I need help with this since it doesn't happen a lot and it does not hinder my life at any time. But when I get the bug to do it, I feel insane.

now that I got that out, I need to get back to work.

pictures

Holy crap! I guess the one picture did come thru but it was huge, so I removed it.

Ok, here's my new couch. Let me say here that it is NOT purple. I know it looks purple, but I assure you, it is not. It is a raisin color. A mixture of taupe, brown and grey. Very different and very versatile. They are super soft. I shopped around for a long time before getting these. I'll try to get a better pic, more true to the color if I can. Time of day makes a big difference.
The next two pics are of one of my cats. He knows he is pretty and he is a bitch! I don't know how to turn the one pic, sorry. I'll see about getting more pics soon.

Will posting a link work? http://tinypic.com/5x26ue yup, it does for me here's the others...

http://tinypic.com/5x278m

http://tinypic.com/5x29au

http://tinypic.com/5x29oy

Dinner with the family

I've never thought of my family as dysfunctional. Maybe it's time that I do. We decided to go to my parents house to barbecue some ribs that my MIL brought from 'Famous Daves', and the whole family was invited. Our relationship with SIL is strained because she recently decided my brother wasn't giving her enough attention. Normally I would think maybe there's some truth to that kind of thing but if you knew her, and him, you would know it's complete bull. She has always been a high maintenance girl, only shopped at Nordstrom, too good for the regular restaraunts we go to, that kind of thing. Anyhow, so she was there and we were dealing pretty well, being all friendly. Great. Then, my asshole younger brother shows up and I don't know why but one comment he made pissed me off so bad I was ready to go. Or, go off on him. I went outside, cooled off.
Eventually, I felt ready to be around him again so I rejoined the family only to have my son come up and tell me that my 5 year old niece said Holy Shit. So I wait a while, then tell my brother(older bro) that I think she said it. He gets all defensive, says no way. Not possible. I say ok, fine, you know your kids better than I do. But inside I'm thinking, dude, you swear like a sailor in front of your kids why wouldn't they pick it up? Then SIL gets all quiet and I knew she was mad at me for telling her. I just assumed since I would have wanted to know, maybe they would too. Oops, my bad.
SIL never quite got over it, brother insisted it was fine. Later, he confides to me that his DD did say it, she admitted it to him. Anyways, there is more dysfunction, or maybe it's just imperfection? Whichever it is, it had gotten harder and harder for me to want to be around them. My mom is turning into her mother, which wouldn't be so bad if I weren't just like my father, and we have little tolerance for obsessive behaviors. (except of course when we are doing it. lol) I guess I need to work on letting things go more, not caring if they offend me or if I did something they don't like. It's just too much effort to stress about all the time.
That's it for today...keep in mind my spell check doesn't work because I have a pop up blocker that screws it up.

Summer vacation?

Well, school is out, since this last Thursday. I am already going nuts with the kids at home. They fight so much. The school year went so fast. This was the first year they had different teachers, and it was a little harder on me. I have always tried to be very involved in their class, and this year was no exception. The difference was that I had 70 kids to get to know instead of the 30 from the last few years. I never did get to know them all. I went on all the field trips, volunteered in DD's class on some Thursdays, and taught a class in DS's class on Fridays for a couple months. Yet, I feel like I missed a lot. I never liked DD's teacher, she was snooty. Maybe because she is a GATE teacher. Son's teacher was wonderful, he was actually a new teacher when I went to school there (weird that I went to the same school, huh?) and we all thought he was so cute. Turns out he is a great teacher and really nice guy. (much older now, but still cute)
Being a good parent is so hard. It was so important to me to have good kids. I have little patience for them generally, and knew that the only way it would work was if they were well behaved. It was so hard to be consistent with discipline, to know when to look the other way and when not to. It paid off though, we always had strangers approach us when they were toddlers and tell us how good they were. Literally, almost every time we went out. I can honestly say that they have never had a temper tantrum, never disrespected myself or DH and never embarassed me in public (except for the one time when DD said our waitress looked like a witch, and truth be told, she did. DD was only 3 though)
Anyhow, I know that I shouldn't brag but damn, I am so proud of myself for having such well behaved kids. I watch my brother with his, they ignore him, hit him, tell him no, etc. and I feel for him. The truth is though, you can't let them get away with crap all the time. You have to stay on it constantly.
I never was much of a kid person so I am always surprised that I manged to have good kids, and be so involved with their schooling. When I got pregnant, I was 18 and my parents didn't know. I knew I couldn't have an abortion, I never even considered it. So my only choice was to embrace it. And I am so glad I did. My mom helped me a lot with the parenting. She was like me, not much of a kid person either, yet I had no idea as a child because she did everything you would want a mother to do. I was raised so strictly and yet so lovingly. I never once yelled at my parents, slammed a door, anything. I was almost perfect. Which is probably why I rebelled and went after DH like I did. Fortunately my parents accepted it pretty quickly, (being pg kind of left them no choice I guess) but they are good people, and within a day or two of finding out I was pregnant, they were taking care of me and getting excited.
Good lord, I didn't mean to turn this into a life story. I guess since it's new I have so much to say still. Hopefully I will learn to be more organized and less wordy.
I swear I will break the kids of their fighting with eachother if it kills me. Wish me luck...it is going to be a long summer.

Here I am

Wow, so I have a blog now. I've never been a great journal keeper, so we'll see how this works.

I'll start with today. My MIL came today from Minnesota. She doesn't like me. I tried for a long time to like her, but after a while I figured, what's the point? And yet, I don't talk badly about her, I encourage my husband to contact her, and I make my children write to her occasionally. It was kind of freeing today, because I didn't even clean my house for her arrival. I used to stress about it but it never mattered to her. Since her last visit, we have gotten new carpet, new furniture (ooh, maybe I'll figure out how to add a pic of the new couches) and had a built-in entertainment center built. Did she acknowledge anything? No. She never has, despite the many changes we've made to what was a very dilapidated home, when she moved out. (yes, we live in her old home)
Her new husband (not so new really, 10+ years) is the creepiest man I've ever met. I would never, never allow my children to be alone with him. Fortunately, she has never asked them to come visit her in MN. She told my ex-SIL that I "ruined" her son. Apparently, he was much better when he was a drunk, pothead with long hair. I never asked him to change. He cut his hair for a work promotion, the pot thing, yes I did say no to doing it in the house and pretty much said that with children that rely on him I didn't want him to end up in jail. So he quit. The ciggarettes were also his own doing. He just up and quit one day. Drinking just stopped after we got married and his house was no longer a bachelor pad. Anyhow, didn't mean to wander onto a new subject altogether.
Bottom line, my MIL creeps me out. There are so many more things I could go into detail about but it doesn't really matter.
So that's it, my first post. It felt good really, to put this into writing. I think I will like this blog thing after all. :)