I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with me. I have been a bitch today (lately). So bad, so mean, to DH. We had to go school shopping and I damn near called him an idiot for getting the wrong socks (twice). He keeps touching me, and being all loving. I don't want him to. I want to be alone. After we got home, he walks up to me, hands me a Smirnoff and says he's taking the kids out for a while. I jokingly laughed and said at least I'm not like this all the time. He laughed and said "gee, next week I'll have to take them for a weekend" and I said "yeah, you know that cruise we are all supposed to go on?" and then I smiled as if to say maybe they would go without me. He said "table for three?" and we laughed. Then as he walked out the door I started crying. Because it's true. Because right now I want nothing to do with him. And it's not his fault. I almost want him to screw up somehow, so I have an excuse to feel this way. But I don't, and he never does. He is too nice. But it doesn't help. Have I fallen out of love? I know I love him. But am I "in love" with him? He bugs the shit out of me ALL the time. He can't make jokes. He is too loud. I could go on, but I feel guilty bitching about these petty little things when I know it shouldn't matter. When you love someone you overlook all that stuff. Why don't I? I am literally miserable right now. But I would be a fool to screw this marriage up. Not to mention I have really screwed myself over by not having any options. I never went to college. I don't think I could survive on my own. And I don't want to. I want to feel differently about him. I want to look at him and think he's cute. Or funny. Or smart. He is smart, just not in a way I like. (see what a bitch I am) I want to be attracted to him. For the first time in 12 years, I am second guessing my choices. I was so young, and we had two kids instantly. What were my options? I thought I had to marry him. Even though we have been happily married (we never fight, and we communicate well) my first memory on my wedding day? Me feeling sick right after we were announced man and wife. So I knew back then, on some level, that I wasn't thrilled with him. But honestly, I was so obsessed with losing him, I never even considered what I wanted. I just wanted him to want me. And he does. And does it perfectly. I've said before how embarassingly good he treats me. And I've always treated him good too. It's only been fairly recently that I started letting my mind wander. But I can't leave, I love him too much to hurt him, and I love my kids too much to tear their world apart. Especially since our world is so "happy".
So, I am an ungrateful bitch, who my friends are jealous of. And I need to snap out of it. I need to do something. I just don't know where to start, or how.
skip to main
|
skip to sidebar
My Valentine/Jen
Glow
TxMomma
Seana's Stuff
HooBooSam
Nutzy
MTW
Coco
Zombie
Bob
Nookie
Buggy
HD
Augie
Breezy
Kimmah
Luna
Lightsy
Puffy
Weltek
Thunderkitten
Alice
Meemo
Dragonflies
mom2bjm!
Frodis!
JenBeauty
Chris
CQVenus
Iggy
Superman!
Sonya
PhoenixMons
Lasann
Volsfan
MiamiCatt
The Book Bitches
Frappr Map thingy
Bigfoot!
Other neat, REAL animals!
Ouch, I have lost myself again. Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found, Yeah I think that I might break. I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe. Be my friend Hold me, wrap me up Unfold me I am small, I'm needy. Warm me up And breathe me
View MM's profile
Smut Lovers
MM
Ouch, I have lost myself again. Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found, Yeah I think that I might break. I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe. Be my friend Hold me, wrap me up Unfold me I am small, I'm needy. Warm me up And breathe me
View MM's profile
Pictures
  |   |
2 comments:
*hugs*
I sure wish I had advice for you. If I did I would take it myself.
Hang in there, whatever that means. I know that you are feeling terrible. It sounds like you have a lot of things to think about. If you need an ear other than your blog, feel free to get in touch with me.
I hope that you are able to see things clearly soon. One way or the other.
*smooch*
This is one of those times when youu have to really get in touch with the inner you. Love is such a hard thing to quantify, I know it is for me. I've loved many times and I still dont know if I could ever say I was/am actually in love with someone. I think about all the things that people associate with that type of love, the complete feeling of loss if you were to lose them, the wanting to die for them, the complete inability to understand life without them and truly, the only time I've been able to say I've felt all those things is with my kids. Does it mean I dont love my GF or my very close friends or even you. NO. It only means that I see love a little differently.
You did get married young and it didn't help that you got pregnant right off the bat but you like DH right? and you guys were and are good friends right? You dont have to answer cause I can tell that you are. It's taken a while and maybe your constantly expanding world view have helped wear the shine off a super bright marriage but at the base of it is a friendship and that persists through all the doubts and fears and confusion. I dont know that anyone ever stops and says this was the only person for me ever and there could never be another who would rock my world, treat me like a king/queen, love me the way I can only imagine but there is and are. However, it's usually the kinship, the friendship and the love that makes us sit back and appreciate what we have. You guys will work thru this period and come out stronger for it, I'm sure. It could mean some changes or even a period of romantic separation to allow you to find out what is really in your heart and what you want. You should never stay with someone cause you feel you have no out. I dont think your problem is wanting out though more so than wanting to see what else is out there so you can truly appreciate what you have. You already know but sometimes having any other experience to compare against makes it easier to know you made the right choice. Right now I suspect you're feeing that you had no choice especially since you went straight from virgin to mother and wife and now that it's done, you still have no choice.
You always have a choice and I think that after a little alone time, you'll know if it was the right one or not.
*smooch* and {{ hugs }}
You know I'll always be here for you. Empower yourself and look at what you can do on your own. You'll be surprised at how many choices you actually have.
Post a Comment