and then the shit hit the fan...

well tonight DH confronted me with his worst fears. That I am having an emotional affair. He admitted he read my blog. He promised me privacy, gave me his word. Imagine being him, and reading what I wrote. I am so beside myself I don't know what to do. I am hurt, angry, and so sorry he read those things. I don't know where to go from here. He apologized profusley, after admitting to going onto a marriage counseling message board where he posted our problems, they convinced him I am cheating and told him to get a key logger. Nice huh? I am too drained to continue right now. I have been crying for hours. All I wanted was some privacy. My life is an open book to him, I wanted somewhere I could be me, and write freely. Apparently I left the history open one night, with my blog just sitting there. He says he was so afraid I was going to leave him and he had to know what was going on. Well, I told him he deserved to read what he did, and he still has no answers, because neither do I.

need to vent

I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with me. I have been a bitch today (lately). So bad, so mean, to DH. We had to go school shopping and I damn near called him an idiot for getting the wrong socks (twice). He keeps touching me, and being all loving. I don't want him to. I want to be alone. After we got home, he walks up to me, hands me a Smirnoff and says he's taking the kids out for a while. I jokingly laughed and said at least I'm not like this all the time. He laughed and said "gee, next week I'll have to take them for a weekend" and I said "yeah, you know that cruise we are all supposed to go on?" and then I smiled as if to say maybe they would go without me. He said "table for three?" and we laughed. Then as he walked out the door I started crying. Because it's true. Because right now I want nothing to do with him. And it's not his fault. I almost want him to screw up somehow, so I have an excuse to feel this way. But I don't, and he never does. He is too nice. But it doesn't help. Have I fallen out of love? I know I love him. But am I "in love" with him? He bugs the shit out of me ALL the time. He can't make jokes. He is too loud. I could go on, but I feel guilty bitching about these petty little things when I know it shouldn't matter. When you love someone you overlook all that stuff. Why don't I? I am literally miserable right now. But I would be a fool to screw this marriage up. Not to mention I have really screwed myself over by not having any options. I never went to college. I don't think I could survive on my own. And I don't want to. I want to feel differently about him. I want to look at him and think he's cute. Or funny. Or smart. He is smart, just not in a way I like. (see what a bitch I am) I want to be attracted to him. For the first time in 12 years, I am second guessing my choices. I was so young, and we had two kids instantly. What were my options? I thought I had to marry him. Even though we have been happily married (we never fight, and we communicate well) my first memory on my wedding day? Me feeling sick right after we were announced man and wife. So I knew back then, on some level, that I wasn't thrilled with him. But honestly, I was so obsessed with losing him, I never even considered what I wanted. I just wanted him to want me. And he does. And does it perfectly. I've said before how embarassingly good he treats me. And I've always treated him good too. It's only been fairly recently that I started letting my mind wander. But I can't leave, I love him too much to hurt him, and I love my kids too much to tear their world apart. Especially since our world is so "happy".
So, I am an ungrateful bitch, who my friends are jealous of. And I need to snap out of it. I need to do something. I just don't know where to start, or how.

and so it goes

My grandma died this evening. She started her "death rattle" (WTF?) and within the hour she was gone. My brother called me, upset, to tell me. I felt pretty cold hearted when I just said "thank you for telling me", with no emotion. I said my goodbye to her on Wednesday night, and feel comfortable with it. I feel badly for my mother, who has now lost both parents. I assume the services will be within the next week or two. I do feel sadness, and I know at some point I will feel the need to cry, but I feel empty now. I felt the same way after my grandfather died a year and a half ago. Then out of the blue, a month or so ago, the emotion hit me. I assume it will be similar with my grandma.

I've always hated crying. I hate it so much that I will suppress my feelings, my pain, just to avoid it. I've done it as long as I can remember. When my DH (then boyfriend) broke up with me over ten years ago, instead of being upset and crying, I got determined. I decided I wasn't going to allow that kind of pain, and instead I devised a plan to get him back. It worked. I successfully avoided the pain, and prevented the need for it. I've always been this way. So when my grandpa died, I decided I would cry when I visited his grave. I scheduled it. I end up suppressing it for so long that the pain changes, the need for a release changes. I have no idea if it's a good or bad thing to do, but it's what I have always done.

Tonight, I just won't let myself dwell on it. No sad music, no sad movies, no sad stories. If I can get through the next few weeks I should be ok.

Out of the house....

At least for a little while anyways. Tonight I met a friend for dinner. She has been my best friend since I was around 15, and she was 12. We lived 5 hours apart, but we managed to get our moms to drive eachother halfway so that we could spend a few days with eachother. As we have grown up, gotten married and had children, we have grown apart a little bit, being busy with life, but we always find our way back to eachother.

She is 7 months pregnant and I wanted to see her before the baby was born, so tonight I drove to her house and we went to dinner. She only lives about 40 minutes away now, so it is sad that so much time goes by between visits. Her husband kept their 2 year old son so we could be childless. It was fantastic! I think I enjoyed the drive just as much as being with her. I loved driving alone, listening to my music with no interuptions. I am definitely going to do it again soon.

saying goodbye

Tonight I drove to Reno to say goodbye to my grandmother. What a weird feeling that is. I know a lot of people don't get the opportunity to say goodbye, so I do feel fortunate there. But it is also really strange. I don't like knowing days in advance that she is going to die. It kind of bothers me that she is starving herself, too. She no longer wants to live so she has just quit everything, food, water, oxygen. She was too weak and semi-unconscious to even realize we were there. So I held her hand, told her I loved her, and said goodbye. It feels wrong. I wanted to tell her to wake up, quit killing herself, but of course I didn't. She misses my grandfather, who has been gone for a year and a half now. She is in pain. We just realized she has two tumors in her head, and that may have caused some dementia. Maybe that is why she is refusing food and water. Maybe she is not consciously deciding to kill herself.

Here's a funny tidbit...her roommate (in the hospital) is seriously deranged. A younger woman compared to most of the seniors there. Anyhow, she talks to herself a lot, and a couple of days ago (while my grandma was still lucid) she was talking to "someone on the phone" and she said, "don't worry, there is no Mafia in Reno". Well, my grandma heard this, and suffering from paranoia, immediately opened her eyes and whispered to my mother, "did you hear that? The Mafia is here, we need to get out of here, right now!" LMAO! Perfect! Every convalescent hospital needs a crazy person to stir shit up!

Anyhow, I am sad tonight, and reflective. Hard to believe that both my grandparents will be gone. Part of life, I know. Just a hard part.

I'm home!

Feels like I was gone forever. My weekend was spent with family, in a beautiful little town nestled in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. We go every year in August, when the county fair is there. This year was a first, neither of my grandparents were there. My grandfather passed away in March of '04, and my grandmother is in a hospital in Reno, within days of dying. It is still important to me to go, for the children's sake, and also for my mother who is obviously taking everything a lot harder than me. We had a great time, despite the knowledge of my grandmothers health.

The good stuff~

The stars. I sat on the second level deck with my aunt and drank wine as we watched the meteor shower. Unbelievable. It sickens me that I can't see even a fraction of the stars here in the city, as you can up there. But we had a wonderful time, laughing, reminiscing and catching up. My neck is sore, but it was well worth it.

~~~~~~~~~

My grandfather has a mine on his property, we call it the crystal mine, but I suppose it was originally a gold mine, and the quartz is what was blasted all over the area while mining. Anyhow, as a child my cousins and I picked it over pretty good, and though we can still find handfuls of crystals each visit, I wanted to make it a little more exciting for the kids. So I bought some crystals and hiked up to the mine yesterday and planted them. Today I took my niece and nephew (their first time) and my twins up to the mine, and OMG, it was so worth it! They were so giddy at finding all the large beautiful crystals everywhere. My 4 year old nephew thinks he found "diamonds" and he was ecstatic. Of course he and my niece were just as thrilled with the rocks they were finding, but my two were genuinely excited about the crystals they found.

~~~~~~~~~

We started a family tradition to have a party each year celebrating our anniversaries, all together since it is so hard to keep up all year long. They make homemade ice cream, barbecue, play croquet, volleyball, ping-pong, you name it. My family is jacked up, like everyone's I suppose, but we all put on our happy faces and get along for the weekend. Some are easy to be with and others, well, not so much. But it was a good time.

The bad stuff~

Of course there will always be some things that are not as we would like, or are hard to do. This weekend was no exception.

After the crystal mine, we hiked over to my grandparents house to look around, and to see the animals (they lived on a ranch) . Well, for the first time in my life, the house was empty, and locked. We couldn't get in. It was a sobering feeling to know that this was the new reality. To know that everything has changed, and my childhood playground was no longer open. It was sad, and while I do not easily get emotional, I really had to work on stifling it at that moment. The worst part? My grandpa's dog was still there, on the porch. He is so old he can't see, he can barely move. Why has nobody put him down? He must be so lonely. My uncle lives on the same road, and he goes over everyday to feed the animals, so the dog wasn't starving, but it clearly needs to be put out of it's misery.

~~~~~~~~~

DH and I got along pretty well this weekend. We usually do, and my family loves him, so it was not unusual , but what was unusual was my still constant need to be left alone. I offended him so much this weekend. I'd say I was going for a walk, and I wouldn't invite him. I'd sit in the car, listening to music, and when he'd come to check on me, I'd tell him I wanted to be alone. I'd be quiet and when he asked what was wrong, I'd say I had a headache. I feel myself pulling away from him. I feel so badly about it. He really doesn't deserve it. He does everything right, and yet to me, everything is wrong. My family would disown me if I ever messed up my marriage. I couldn't be happy with anyone else, so I know I have to do something.

So that was my weekend. And believe it or not, I left out a lot of stuff. If anyone made it this far, I'm impressed. I'm glad to be back and now will go catch up with everyone I've missed!

mid-life crisis???

So tonight I hear this song, the most cheesy, 80's song ever, and it struck a chord with me. Here are the lyrics...

I've Never Been To Me
( Charlene )

"Hey lady, you lady, cursing at your life~You're a discontented mother and a regimented wife~I've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do~But, I wish someone had talked to me, Like I wanna talk to you.....Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run ~I took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun~But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free~I've been to paradise but I've never been to me~Please lady, please lady, don't just walk away'Cause I have this need to tell you why I'm all alone today~I can see so much of me still living in your eyes~Won't you share a part of a weary heart that has lived million lies....Oh, I've been to Niece and the Isle of Greece while I've sipped champagne on a yacht~I've moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got~I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see~I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me
[spoken] Hey, you know what paradise is?It's a lie, a fantasy we create about people and places as we'd like them to be~But you know what truth is? It's that little baby you're holding, it's that man you fought with this morning~The same one you're going to make love with tonight~That's truth, that's love......Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children that might have made me complete~But I took the sweet life, I never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet~I've spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free~Hey lady......I've been to paradise, (I've been to paradise) But I've never been to me(I've been to Georgia and California, and anywhere I could run) I've been to paradise, never been to me"

Lately, I have been feeling unsettled, seeing a lot of the negative in my life. I see what I didn't get, what I can't have, what I always wanted. I am trying to see what I *do* have, trying to see that sometimes those other things are not as important. My husband wrote me an email (as he does every day) and he said "I love you so much. You are truly my best friend and the love of my life, and I am so lucky to have you." This should have made me so happy, but instead, I frowned. Why? What is wrong with me? He knows something is wrong, he can sense it, and he is trying to make everything better, but he can't. He can't, because it is not his to fix. Only I can.
I am hoping this is all some weird age related thing, hormonal maybe. Like the song lyrics say, "I have never been to me". I don't even know what that means, but it must mean something because that is what I keep thinking about. Unlike the character in the song, I have never done or experienced anything that would make me "worldly". I was a good girl, and I got married and had babies. I never dated, didn't even attend high school (home schooling). So now I am wondering, did I miss out on something? And does it even matter, now that I am "happily" married? How dare I be so selfish? He loves me, he adores me, he babies me. And I? Am grateful. And I love him. I do. So what is my problem? When did I start questioning all these things, and how am I supposed to fix it? For now I will keep on the way we have been. He has no idea what is going on in my head, he has no idea what I am thinking about. He loves me, unconditionally, and he is a better person than me. I am lucky. I will tell myself that repeatedly, until it sinks in. And maybe this will all pass and I will feel silly for saying anything at all...

Ten years old...

Tonight, my children are staying up until midnight. Why? Because tomorrow they will be 10 years old. They want to see if they "feel" anything at midnight. Well, I'm feeling something... complete sadness, terror, anxiety. I am not ready for them to be 10. It means that they have now spent more time living here already, than they have left. It means they are almost "pre-teens", which is alarmingly close to "teens".

I am not ready for this kind of maturing. I am not ready to relinquish the control I have. I have been wondering if I have done enough for them. Have I instilled morals and values in them? Have I properly cared for their mental, emotional and physical health?
And when they leave...what then? Who am I? I never got to "find myself" before I was pregnant with them. Who I am...is their mom. I am scared for the future, theirs and mine.
I am scared of losing the one thing I know. The one thing that makes me feel complete, and happy. I am scared to lose them. Will they need me? What will I do? What if I can't protect them?

Motherhood is so strange in the end. You give them your youth, you give them everything you know to give, your knowledge, your strength, support, love, you give them your very self. And then they grow up, and you are left wondering. Was it enough? Can it ever be? Are the problems they are sure to have, going to be my fault? Should I have done something differently?

I realize they are only turning 10, and not 18 or 20, but the time has flown by so quickly that I can't help but anticipate how quickly the rest will go. And it makes me sad. I remember when they were toddlers, I said when they turned 10, I would cry. And here I am, crying. How did it happen so quickly? Where did my babies go? *sigh*

I will say though, that I am loving getting to know them better. I love seeing them develop a sense of humor, and a sense of pride. I love watching their minds work, and solving problems on their own. I love their beaming faces as they find out they have grown an inch, or outgrown a shoe size. I love the people they are becoming, but I sorely miss the babies that were once so tiny. Oh god, I think I need another baby! (DH will disagree~ since he has had his vasectomy)
:)

Finally!

For the last few weeks I have been slowly going insane. Partly because my kids have been at home all day with me since early June, and partly (perhaps even moreso) because DH has been coming home several times a day. He works right here in town and lately it's been slow for him. So, he comes home. Why this bothers me I have no idea. It was getting so bad that just seeing his car drive up would piss me off. I started getting really rude and distant towards him. I couldn't even talk to him about the little everyday things because I was so angry at him. I didn't think I should tell him what was wrong, because I felt I was wrong for feeling it. But finally, yesterday, it came out. I don't remember how it started but I know I was so hateful towards him that I decided it had to be better to be honest, as opposed to living like that.

He was quite surprised, to say the least. But I reminded him that I've always been a person who enjoyed my alone time. In fact, I need my alone time. He agreed to only come home once, for lunch, and he said he would call before he came. He sent me an email saying how all he wants is for me to be happy, and that he would do whatever it takes to help. How can I be so mean to a guy that is so nice? I don't know, but I do know that if I hadn't told him what was going on with me I would have run away. I was so on the verge of leaving, just for a couple of days even, to be alone. I've never lived alone in my life, in fact, I can count on one hand how many times I have *ever* been alone for a whole day (and night). Maybe I am weird for needing it, maybe it's all because the kids have been home all summer, maybe both. Either way, I feel so good to have finally stepped up and took care of my needs. And, I am so happy that my DH can at least try to understand me enough to give me the space.

Now, I only hope it's enough to give me some peace.

PMS-ing...

I am PMS-ing. It sucks. I hate everyone. DH made a tuna sandwhich and it stunk up the house. Cat jumped on the ironing board while I was ironing, then he had the nerve to hang on when I tried to push him off. So the board tipped over and the pad came off. Argh! Then my cell phone was dead. Then I had no gas. Then I had to go to my parents to get the kids swim suits. Then I didn't have time to eat. Then I go to a friends house, and acted happy that she looked great and is buying a new house. (guess that answers the question of what kind of friend I am)
Then I find out that in order to be nice and keep my cousins kids overnight for her, I have drive out to her house in the middle of nowhere because her husband changed their plans. I can't back out, either. Then I am told I need to do three bankruptcies between now and tomorrow afternoon. All while I am PMS-ing!

Sorry for the rant. I just had to get that out.

And the one time I *did* laugh today? I had a mud mask on that had completely dried and it hurt like HELL!

Stolen from Syren who stole it from Arkie :)

Firsts

First job: Customer service at Circuit City
First screen name: motormouth
First funeral: Grandfather
First pet: Dog named Roscoe
First piercing: Ears, around 10 years old
First tattoo: Sadly, I have none
First credit card: Can't remember
First kiss: Age 17, kissed by then boyfriend, current DH
First enemy: Can't say I've had one

Lasts

Last car ride: Two days ago (I don't get out much)
Last kiss: Well, I kiss my kids goodnight every night
Last movie watched: Wedding Crashers
Last beverage drank: Water, nothing but water
Last food consumed: Applesauce
Last phone call: DH, telling me he was coming home Again! (he should stay at work, no?)
Last time showered: This morning
Last CD played: AC/DC
Last website visited: RealityTVWorld

Now

Single or taken: Married
Gender: Female
Birthday: 1/08/76

siblings: 2 brothers
Hair color: Dark blonde
Eye color: Green/hazel
Shoe size: 8
Height: 5'3 (getting nervous for a sec, thinking weight was next, lol)
Wearing: Black Betty Boop T-shirt and blue jeans
Drinking: Water
Thinking about: Deep stuff, politics, religion, what nail polish to choose...
Listening to: "The Joker" by Steve Miller Band *love that song*