and so it goes

My grandma died this evening. She started her "death rattle" (WTF?) and within the hour she was gone. My brother called me, upset, to tell me. I felt pretty cold hearted when I just said "thank you for telling me", with no emotion. I said my goodbye to her on Wednesday night, and feel comfortable with it. I feel badly for my mother, who has now lost both parents. I assume the services will be within the next week or two. I do feel sadness, and I know at some point I will feel the need to cry, but I feel empty now. I felt the same way after my grandfather died a year and a half ago. Then out of the blue, a month or so ago, the emotion hit me. I assume it will be similar with my grandma.

I've always hated crying. I hate it so much that I will suppress my feelings, my pain, just to avoid it. I've done it as long as I can remember. When my DH (then boyfriend) broke up with me over ten years ago, instead of being upset and crying, I got determined. I decided I wasn't going to allow that kind of pain, and instead I devised a plan to get him back. It worked. I successfully avoided the pain, and prevented the need for it. I've always been this way. So when my grandpa died, I decided I would cry when I visited his grave. I scheduled it. I end up suppressing it for so long that the pain changes, the need for a release changes. I have no idea if it's a good or bad thing to do, but it's what I have always done.

Tonight, I just won't let myself dwell on it. No sad music, no sad movies, no sad stories. If I can get through the next few weeks I should be ok.