Tonight I drove to Reno to say goodbye to my grandmother. What a weird feeling that is. I know a lot of people don't get the opportunity to say goodbye, so I do feel fortunate there. But it is also really strange. I don't like knowing days in advance that she is going to die. It kind of bothers me that she is starving herself, too. She no longer wants to live so she has just quit everything, food, water, oxygen. She was too weak and semi-unconscious to even realize we were there. So I held her hand, told her I loved her, and said goodbye. It feels wrong. I wanted to tell her to wake up, quit killing herself, but of course I didn't. She misses my grandfather, who has been gone for a year and a half now. She is in pain. We just realized she has two tumors in her head, and that may have caused some dementia. Maybe that is why she is refusing food and water. Maybe she is not consciously deciding to kill herself.
Here's a funny tidbit...her roommate (in the hospital) is seriously deranged. A younger woman compared to most of the seniors there. Anyhow, she talks to herself a lot, and a couple of days ago (while my grandma was still lucid) she was talking to "someone on the phone" and she said, "don't worry, there is no Mafia in Reno". Well, my grandma heard this, and suffering from paranoia, immediately opened her eyes and whispered to my mother, "did you hear that? The Mafia is here, we need to get out of here, right now!" LMAO! Perfect! Every convalescent hospital needs a crazy person to stir shit up!
Anyhow, I am sad tonight, and reflective. Hard to believe that both my grandparents will be gone. Part of life, I know. Just a hard part.
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3 comments:
(((hugs))) I didn't get to say goodbye to either of mine but I can't imagine that would make it any easier. I did get the last 3 years with my dad even though I missed him when he left on the day he passed. I am sorry for your imminent loss. If ya need a shoulder, I'm here. Love ya, Chris
Thanks Chris, I'll be ok. The next few weeks will be interesting for sure, between the kids going back to school, the services (she hasn't died yet, but how long can this go on?) and the cruise we are planning for September. I don't know how to plan everything while everything is on hold.
Thank you though, for being here for me.
*smooches*
Tab, I adore you so of course I will ALWAYS be here for you, as you have been for me. *smooch* Chris
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