Bon Voyage!

Well, I am leaving first thing Thursday morning and flying to Seattle, WA. where we will board the ship and cruise to Vancouver, Victoria and Nanaimo (British Columbia). We have relatives in Vancouver, so we will be able to see them while we are there. While I am excited to go, the truth is, I don't know that we will survive the flight. I have some Valium here, but that won't save my ass as the plane goes down, will it? And if we do make it there, it will be hard to relax because I know we will probably die on the way back. *sigh* Not only is it likely the plane will crash, but I am also claustrophobic, so my last hours will be spent miserably. I know we should have driven, but the family voted and decided it would be smarter to fly. I have no choice. So this is my goodbye post to all my old (and new) friends. If I die, you will know by Tuesday when I don't check in.

If I do make it back ok, I will admit that I am being paranoid.

In the meantime, could you guys tell me where you are all from...I see some of you have it in your profile, but not everyone.

Questions (thank you, arkie)

I really want to blog about something petty tonight, like my husband, (not that he is petty, but my complaints are) or, I want to ask you all a personal sex question, BUT, I don't want to be viewed as the cheap, trash talkin' blogger, so I'll refrain from those ideas and go with a suggestion made by arkie. Here are the questions I liked, answer one of them, or all of them.



Greatest Moment: don't leave anything out.

If you wanna be my lover... (I have no idea what this means but I thought it would be fun, either way)

Best compliment you've ever received.

Sex Tips...

Ok ladies, my last post was too sad, so I am going to do what I talked about in the post before that, sex tips. C'mon, don't be shy. Rose shared one, Coco shared one. I know Carey wants to share one. We need tips on how to get the sparks flying. How to get him/her in the mood (I'd be grateful if someone could tell me how to get him out of the mood, too). I've already shared mine, but I'm not sure it won't backfire, and I wouldn't suggest playing games, if you can help it. BTW, if you didn't see that blog entry, my only tip was to make him/her jealous. I didn't set out to do that, but insecurity brought the dog out of him and he's been "marking" me ever since.

Oh, and if you are a guy, feel free to share with us what we can do to get your attention.

Tonight I went out to dinner and a movie with my friend, Brianne. We saw that movie with Reese Witherspoon and my most sensible celebrity crush, Mark Ruffalo. It was a good enough movie, an overall nice evening.

So then I'm on my way home, (it's about a forty minute drive and I had just burned a CD for myself and I was looking forward to it) I'm listening to an awesome song, enjoying it immensely, when the words sunk in. I hadn't really paid attention to them before, but tonight they caught me off guard. Before I knew it, I could barely drive, I was sobbing so badly. And I hate to cry. I mean I really, really, hate it. The thing is, I found out yesterday that my brother's wife is leaving him after 13 years of marriage. We've never really clicked with her, so it wasn't immediately painful for me, as much as it was disturbing. She apparently fell out of love with him, and into love with someone else. We think it is her personal trainer based on some things that have happened, but she won't admit who it is.
They have two kids, ages 6 and 4. My brother knew his marriage was in trouble, there have been other signs, and he wanted to work things out so badly. He has been crying, and hurting so deeply. They were married young, have only been with eachother and seemed very happy for most of the 13 years. Anyways, here are the song lyrics. I am thinking of burning her this song, printing the lyrics and sending it to her. What do you think?

Wild World~ by Cat Stevens

Now that I've lost everything to you,
you say you want to start something new,
and it's breaking my heart you're leaving, baby I'm grieving.
But if you wanna leave take good care,
hope you have a lot of nice things to wear,
but then a lot of nice things turn bad out there.

Oh baby baby it's a wild world,
it's hard to get by just upon a smile.
Oh baby baby it's a wild world.
I'll always remember you like a child, girl.

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do,
and it's breaking my heart in two,
cause I never want to see you sad girl,
don't be a bad girl,
but if you want to leave take good care,
hope you make a lot of nice friends out there,
but just remember there's a lot of bad and beware,
beware, Oh baby baby it's a wild world,
it's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh baby baby it's a wild world,
and I'll always remember you like a child, girl.

Baby I love you,
but if you wanna leave take good care,
hope you make a lot of nice friends out there,
but just remember there's a lot of bad,
and beware, beware, oh baby baby it's a wild world,
it's hard to get by just upon a smile.

Oh baby baby it's a wild world,
and I'll always remember you like a child, girl.

My eyes are burning, red, and puffy. And now I hate her for ruining one of my favorite songs.

UPDATE!

This is an update, just to update my blog.

So...hmmm.....Oh! I know! DH pissed me off today when he came home for lunch. He actually stayed for like, 30 minutes. The gall!
And? He keeps wanting to have sex. What the heck is wrong with that man? We've been married for almost 10 years, give me a break already! I can't even use my leave-in hair conditioner anymore because the smell makes him horny. *rolls eyes* <--(I kinda stole that from Jen)

I have a question, what does it mean when you are trying to eat something but you can't bring yourself to swallow? You just keep chewing and wondering if you will ever be ready...and then when you do, you want to throw up. Even though you like what you are eating and haven't really eaten much. Just wondering.

Good freakin' morning

Well, I just got done doing ICB's ten questions, and I answer the one about what would you never do for money. Then I go back and read everyone elses answers and I feel like a shallow moron. I would never touch a spider? Other people said stuff like "I would never murder, leave my kids", etc. But whatever, I did it all in jest. Then...payback.

I grab my shredded wheat and MY cereal bowl, the one I like the best, because it's mine, and what do you know? Inside the bowl is a big, huge, nasty, freakin, SPIDER! It tried to run up the side of the bowl but the bowl is too slick, so it just slid back in. So I took a few steps back, very calmly and decided to maturely dispose of the spider. Yeah...RIGHT!

I started cursing, waving my arms around, pacing the living room and then of course I started to whimper, because truly, spiders are like Satan to me. And here he was, in my cereal bowl. After screaming at the cat, (because he should have noticed the spider in the house, right?) I got a book and set it on top the bowl. A heavy book, so the spider can't get out. And it will sit there until DH comes home. *sigh* I knew I have should have stayed in bed.

Edited to add~ further proof that I should go back to bed...as I went out to start some laundry I came thisclose to stepping on a dragonfly the cats left on the floor for me. Thank Gawd it was dead, but still. What is this world coming to?

How do YOU deal with it?

After reading the comments in my last post, I realized we all have something in common. A lot of us have a significant other, who we do not include in our OT life. I was relieved to know that I am not the only one who has gotten weird looks for referring to the peeps here as my friends. I have been very open with DH about OT. I don't tell him I regularly pm with one peep, a man who lives near me, because I know he would worry. He would think it was suspicious. The funny thing though is that it is not. I was amazed at first how very platonic you can be with the opposite sex. I never really had the opportunity to try it before. I was married young, and went from living with my parents to being a married mom (yes, the kids came first). So this is a new concept for me, and I like it. I have to admit though, that if DH had an online female "friend", I would probably not be cool with it. I guess I am hypocritical.
But other people don't understand the dynamic at OT. My parents would literally freak out if they knew about how much time I spend here, about the people I consider friends. Recently my mother "confronted" me about whether or not I spend time in chat rooms. She seems to think that because I am dieting and working out that maybe I found someone online. I can understand her concern, it is after all, how I met DH. I was 17 then and my parents were not too pleased with it. But still. I had to tell her that no, I do NOT have a boyfriend online. But I also couldn't tell her that I do indeed have friends here. She would have thought I was "up to something". *sigh*

I recently mentioned OT to a friend of mine (had to explain something I had said) and she asked me to email her the link to it, but I have not done it. I don't want anyone from my RL to be here. This is the place I can talk about my real life problems and friends without having to worry about hurting anyone. I'd like to eventually meet someone. Both Wanda, Bravie and MCatt live close enough to me, but I know DH would not like it at all. Right now, with my other problems with him, I don't need to add fuel to the fire. But someday, I would really like to.

So my question is, what does YOUR significant other, think of us? And do you want to keep OT to yourself? And do you flirt here, moreso than in real life? And do you think you will do a peep meet, if you haven't already?

(note to coco, if you come by, please go easy on me. I'm still learning the whole apostrophe thing)

Stolen from everyone else's blog...

1.What is the most adventurous thing you have ever done to your hair? One time, believe it or not, I actually had it cut so short it almost didn't touch my shoulder blades! (ok, I know that is lame, but I am not that adventurous) I really haven't done much, but I did go really blonde when I was a teenager. Other than that, it's always been dark blonde and long. Bleh.

2.Who gave you your name, and how did they choose it? My parents couldn't agree on names for a long time. How they ended up liking Tabitha is beyond me. I hate it. My dad's choice was Rachel, and I would have loved that.

3.What gives you the creeps? Oh, where do I go with this one...? First of course, there's bugs, duh. But then there is also germs, and they are everywhere! And old ladies. (I like old people, and I think they are cute, but I have to say sometimes an old lady looking at me for too long will freak me out) Windows at nighttime are very scary. You know someone can be right there looking in and with the lights on inside you can't see them. *shiver*

4.What relative do you most resemble in personality? My dad. We are very compatible as long as we have our spouses with us, because we are both very co-dependent. If it's just the two of us, we are pretty useless. (Why do I admit these things?)

5.How did you come up with the name of your blog? The name of my blog was what I was feeling when I started it. Not like pondering "what am I thinking?" as much as, "what the hell am I thinking??"

OT

So lately I've been wondering about the way OT has affected my life, my outlook. It was about a year and a half ago when I found it. I started getting spoiler info about Survivor and somehow made my way to OT. I hadn't even posted yet and was already addicted to it. One of my first memories is wondering if the peeps there knew eachother in real life...all this talk about a bar, about what to eat for lunch, the inside jokes. Very daunting. I saw a thread about wedding favor ideas and felt confident enough to post. In retrospect, I realize that anyone whose first post is on OT looks a little suspicious. Like a previous (banned) poster or something. Anyhow, I liked the way it felt to have that tiny bit of interaction with people, strangers even. So I stayed.

I think of myself as humble, and in that regard I kept a very low profile, always recognizing my DAW count was low and that I was a newbie. One thing I did do right though, I read all the guidelines and most of the Help forum. (I'm still shocked when I see older peeps testing sigs and whatnot there) So I gradually began posting more, and felt even more able to post in the BB forums since there were many new peeps there and it was less intimidating.

I am not sure why, but I gathered enough courage to start a thread (one of only two, the second as a favor to a friend who needed good vibes and prayers) but anyway, I started the thread asking for a sig pic and also about the bar. That night, thanks to help from a few peeps, I found it. It was incredible! Nicest people ever in there. Woeisme, Glow, Cappy, Bennyboy, to name a few. It was so nice and welcoming. Later the bar enabled me to get to know others too, CSTL, Asrai, Puffy, RollDdice, Tara...god I could go on here. The very next day it felt better being there (on OT), like I was finally in on the joke. I was (and am) still a little timid, but I feel secure there.

Over the last year, my point of view has changed on many, many things. I've learned a lot about how the world thinks. At least, how people outside of my world think. There are so many topics that I was too indifferent about, before. There are people that I would have never had the chance to know. I've shared some before, but I'll say again that I grew up in a very conservative, sheltered environment. I didn't even work in the real world when I grew up. I had a short lived job as a teenager but I wasn't interested in getting to know people (except a couple of cute co-workers). I didn't care about politics, religion, sexuality, pudding. I have gradually begun to see some changes in my thinking, in my comfort levels, my actions, even. OT has given me a freedom I didn't have before. Like my eyes were finally opened.

The old me? Wouldn't feel comfortable flirting (with anyone, much less women!!). I wouldn't have been able to tell you what the difference between a Democrat and a Republican was. I wouldn't have know that some people are so overly religious that they turn people off. I wouldn't have known about all the wonderful peeps who cannot get married, because they are gay. I wouldn't have known that Bush is an asshat. I wouldn't have known that there is a place, a community, in which every race, sexuality, religion, and "class" are accepted, loved, appreciated and in some cases just tolerated.

I am grateful to OT. To the people who have become my friends. Even knowing that in my situation I may never be able to meet them, or talk to them. Yet they are here, and they care. And I care for them. Crap! Now I'm getting all mushy. I just want to say I love you. And thank you.




(I've also learned that my spelling and punctuation could use some help)

Hmmm....

Well...I am now set up (for the most part) so that I can reclaim some privacy. Thank you Syren!
I will give this a few days and see how everything works. Believe it or not, I told DH what I had done and he encouraged it. He had no idea that it could be done, but he wants me to have my blog (he thinks I closed it down after last week) and he wants me to have the privacy. He just doesn't trust himself, so he is glad I am doing things this way. I just have to move some things over from favorites and I'll be set up. Of course, I will still have to be careful that I log out, or switch users everyday, but at least I won't have to worry all the time. I am excited! Thank you again Syren!!

Labor day weekend

Whew! What a weekend. I am glad it's over. We started on Friday, going to Quincy for my grandmothers funeral. It was ok, a lot of family around, a lot of activity to keep us busy. We always stay at my uncles house, which is where the reception was hosted afterwards. Fortunately we have our own room there and I was able to get away when I wanted to. At one point, my SIL's sister Denice asked me about the crystal mine and complained that she had never been. As preposterous as it was, I offered to take her right then. So off we went, wearing our dressy skirts and blouses, hiking down the mountain, then back up to the mine. (we did change into tennis shoes) It was probably the highlight of the day for me. Remember when I posted about planting crystals for my kids and niece and nephew? Well, Denice found some we had left behind and she was so excited! I did not have the heart to tell her they were plants.

The trip home was nice, my parents were staying one more night and offered to keep the kids so it was just DH and I. We were able to talk. A lot. We covered a lot of things and we summed it up by coming to the conclusion that DH was smothering me (his words).
He said some beautiful things to me. He said that my happiness comes before his, my needs, my desires, everything. He said all he wanted in life was to make me and the kids happy. I've always known that, based on his actions, but hearing it was touching. Of course I, being in such a twisted frame of mind took it as him being somewhat weak. I told him he should care more about himself. He should be selfish sometimes. I told him I wanted to go places by myself. That I needed to be more self-sufficient. That never leaving home and going straight into a traditional marriage had left me feeling very childish. Like I had never been able to mature, or experience anything. Not much we can do about that, but he said if I want to go places on my own that I could. I have a lot to think about. I need to be able to trust myself to do things. But it's all a good start.

Now, on to today. Actually, it started yesterday. DH and I went to dinner and we brought up the topic of his father. He had never met his dad. His mother and father divorced when he was a baby, and his mother did not make it easy on his dad, so he moved on, had another family. About two years ago, his dad came by our house out of the blue. (same house DH was raised in)
He left a note saying "hi son, call me, Dad" It was weird. DH called him, heard him out a bit and then declined the offer to meet, or to even talk again. Well, maybe the death of my grandmother triggered something, I don't know but DH brought it up again and said he was going to call him, and wanted to meet him. So he called him last night and they set up a lunch date for today. We drove about 40 minutes to his dads town and met him and DH's brother at a diner. How weird! His brother looked very similar to how DH looked at that age (16). His dad was sweet, a bit odd, but sweet. I don't know if DH wants to see him again or if that satisfied his need. He is not sure. But what a weekend huh? Buried my grandmother, hashed things out with DH and met his father all in one weekend. I am tired.

I could go on, there is more about me, the things I am thinking...but I do not feel as safe here as I used to. DH has asked me to not tell him if I kept my blog and he wants me to be careful about not leaving it out in the open (Duh!) but now I will never feel as safe. I have other blogs bookmarked, and if he ever was curious enough he could look into them and see my comments which would bring him here. I doubt he would, but I am just not as sure anymore. I hope you all had a terrific weekend!