Sunday, August 28, 2005
and then the shit hit the fan...
well tonight DH confronted me with his worst fears. That I am having an emotional affair. He admitted he read my blog. He promised me privacy, gave me his word. Imagine being him, and reading what I wrote. I am so beside myself I don't know what to do. I am hurt, angry, and so sorry he read those things. I don't know where to go from here. He apologized profusley, after admitting to going onto a marriage counseling message board where he posted our problems, they convinced him I am cheating and told him to get a key logger. Nice huh? I am too drained to continue right now. I have been crying for hours. All I wanted was some privacy. My life is an open book to him, I wanted somewhere I could be me, and write freely. Apparently I left the history open one night, with my blog just sitting there. He says he was so afraid I was going to leave him and he had to know what was going on. Well, I told him he deserved to read what he did, and he still has no answers, because neither do I.
Friday, August 26, 2005
need to vent
I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with me. I have been a bitch today (lately). So bad, so mean, to DH. We had to go school shopping and I damn near called him an idiot for getting the wrong socks (twice). He keeps touching me, and being all loving. I don't want him to. I want to be alone. After we got home, he walks up to me, hands me a Smirnoff and says he's taking the kids out for a while. I jokingly laughed and said at least I'm not like this all the time. He laughed and said "gee, next week I'll have to take them for a weekend" and I said "yeah, you know that cruise we are all supposed to go on?" and then I smiled as if to say maybe they would go without me. He said "table for three?" and we laughed. Then as he walked out the door I started crying. Because it's true. Because right now I want nothing to do with him. And it's not his fault. I almost want him to screw up somehow, so I have an excuse to feel this way. But I don't, and he never does. He is too nice. But it doesn't help. Have I fallen out of love? I know I love him. But am I "in love" with him? He bugs the shit out of me ALL the time. He can't make jokes. He is too loud. I could go on, but I feel guilty bitching about these petty little things when I know it shouldn't matter. When you love someone you overlook all that stuff. Why don't I? I am literally miserable right now. But I would be a fool to screw this marriage up. Not to mention I have really screwed myself over by not having any options. I never went to college. I don't think I could survive on my own. And I don't want to. I want to feel differently about him. I want to look at him and think he's cute. Or funny. Or smart. He is smart, just not in a way I like. (see what a bitch I am) I want to be attracted to him. For the first time in 12 years, I am second guessing my choices. I was so young, and we had two kids instantly. What were my options? I thought I had to marry him. Even though we have been happily married (we never fight, and we communicate well) my first memory on my wedding day? Me feeling sick right after we were announced man and wife. So I knew back then, on some level, that I wasn't thrilled with him. But honestly, I was so obsessed with losing him, I never even considered what I wanted. I just wanted him to want me. And he does. And does it perfectly. I've said before how embarassingly good he treats me. And I've always treated him good too. It's only been fairly recently that I started letting my mind wander. But I can't leave, I love him too much to hurt him, and I love my kids too much to tear their world apart. Especially since our world is so "happy".
So, I am an ungrateful bitch, who my friends are jealous of. And I need to snap out of it. I need to do something. I just don't know where to start, or how.
So, I am an ungrateful bitch, who my friends are jealous of. And I need to snap out of it. I need to do something. I just don't know where to start, or how.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
and so it goes
My grandma died this evening. She started her "death rattle" (WTF?) and within the hour she was gone. My brother called me, upset, to tell me. I felt pretty cold hearted when I just said "thank you for telling me", with no emotion. I said my goodbye to her on Wednesday night, and feel comfortable with it. I feel badly for my mother, who has now lost both parents. I assume the services will be within the next week or two. I do feel sadness, and I know at some point I will feel the need to cry, but I feel empty now. I felt the same way after my grandfather died a year and a half ago. Then out of the blue, a month or so ago, the emotion hit me. I assume it will be similar with my grandma.
I've always hated crying. I hate it so much that I will suppress my feelings, my pain, just to avoid it. I've done it as long as I can remember. When my DH (then boyfriend) broke up with me over ten years ago, instead of being upset and crying, I got determined. I decided I wasn't going to allow that kind of pain, and instead I devised a plan to get him back. It worked. I successfully avoided the pain, and prevented the need for it. I've always been this way. So when my grandpa died, I decided I would cry when I visited his grave. I scheduled it. I end up suppressing it for so long that the pain changes, the need for a release changes. I have no idea if it's a good or bad thing to do, but it's what I have always done.
Tonight, I just won't let myself dwell on it. No sad music, no sad movies, no sad stories. If I can get through the next few weeks I should be ok.
I've always hated crying. I hate it so much that I will suppress my feelings, my pain, just to avoid it. I've done it as long as I can remember. When my DH (then boyfriend) broke up with me over ten years ago, instead of being upset and crying, I got determined. I decided I wasn't going to allow that kind of pain, and instead I devised a plan to get him back. It worked. I successfully avoided the pain, and prevented the need for it. I've always been this way. So when my grandpa died, I decided I would cry when I visited his grave. I scheduled it. I end up suppressing it for so long that the pain changes, the need for a release changes. I have no idea if it's a good or bad thing to do, but it's what I have always done.
Tonight, I just won't let myself dwell on it. No sad music, no sad movies, no sad stories. If I can get through the next few weeks I should be ok.
Friday, August 19, 2005
Out of the house....
At least for a little while anyways. Tonight I met a friend for dinner. She has been my best friend since I was around 15, and she was 12. We lived 5 hours apart, but we managed to get our moms to drive eachother halfway so that we could spend a few days with eachother. As we have grown up, gotten married and had children, we have grown apart a little bit, being busy with life, but we always find our way back to eachother.
She is 7 months pregnant and I wanted to see her before the baby was born, so tonight I drove to her house and we went to dinner. She only lives about 40 minutes away now, so it is sad that so much time goes by between visits. Her husband kept their 2 year old son so we could be childless. It was fantastic! I think I enjoyed the drive just as much as being with her. I loved driving alone, listening to my music with no interuptions. I am definitely going to do it again soon.
She is 7 months pregnant and I wanted to see her before the baby was born, so tonight I drove to her house and we went to dinner. She only lives about 40 minutes away now, so it is sad that so much time goes by between visits. Her husband kept their 2 year old son so we could be childless. It was fantastic! I think I enjoyed the drive just as much as being with her. I loved driving alone, listening to my music with no interuptions. I am definitely going to do it again soon.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
saying goodbye
Tonight I drove to Reno to say goodbye to my grandmother. What a weird feeling that is. I know a lot of people don't get the opportunity to say goodbye, so I do feel fortunate there. But it is also really strange. I don't like knowing days in advance that she is going to die. It kind of bothers me that she is starving herself, too. She no longer wants to live so she has just quit everything, food, water, oxygen. She was too weak and semi-unconscious to even realize we were there. So I held her hand, told her I loved her, and said goodbye. It feels wrong. I wanted to tell her to wake up, quit killing herself, but of course I didn't. She misses my grandfather, who has been gone for a year and a half now. She is in pain. We just realized she has two tumors in her head, and that may have caused some dementia. Maybe that is why she is refusing food and water. Maybe she is not consciously deciding to kill herself.
Here's a funny tidbit...her roommate (in the hospital) is seriously deranged. A younger woman compared to most of the seniors there. Anyhow, she talks to herself a lot, and a couple of days ago (while my grandma was still lucid) she was talking to "someone on the phone" and she said, "don't worry, there is no Mafia in Reno". Well, my grandma heard this, and suffering from paranoia, immediately opened her eyes and whispered to my mother, "did you hear that? The Mafia is here, we need to get out of here, right now!" LMAO! Perfect! Every convalescent hospital needs a crazy person to stir shit up!
Anyhow, I am sad tonight, and reflective. Hard to believe that both my grandparents will be gone. Part of life, I know. Just a hard part.
Here's a funny tidbit...her roommate (in the hospital) is seriously deranged. A younger woman compared to most of the seniors there. Anyhow, she talks to herself a lot, and a couple of days ago (while my grandma was still lucid) she was talking to "someone on the phone" and she said, "don't worry, there is no Mafia in Reno". Well, my grandma heard this, and suffering from paranoia, immediately opened her eyes and whispered to my mother, "did you hear that? The Mafia is here, we need to get out of here, right now!" LMAO! Perfect! Every convalescent hospital needs a crazy person to stir shit up!
Anyhow, I am sad tonight, and reflective. Hard to believe that both my grandparents will be gone. Part of life, I know. Just a hard part.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
I'm home!
Feels like I was gone forever. My weekend was spent with family, in a beautiful little town nestled in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. We go every year in August, when the county fair is there. This year was a first, neither of my grandparents were there. My grandfather passed away in March of '04, and my grandmother is in a hospital in Reno, within days of dying. It is still important to me to go, for the children's sake, and also for my mother who is obviously taking everything a lot harder than me. We had a great time, despite the knowledge of my grandmothers health.
The good stuff~
The stars. I sat on the second level deck with my aunt and drank wine as we watched the meteor shower. Unbelievable. It sickens me that I can't see even a fraction of the stars here in the city, as you can up there. But we had a wonderful time, laughing, reminiscing and catching up. My neck is sore, but it was well worth it.
~~~~~~~~~
My grandfather has a mine on his property, we call it the crystal mine, but I suppose it was originally a gold mine, and the quartz is what was blasted all over the area while mining. Anyhow, as a child my cousins and I picked it over pretty good, and though we can still find handfuls of crystals each visit, I wanted to make it a little more exciting for the kids. So I bought some crystals and hiked up to the mine yesterday and planted them. Today I took my niece and nephew (their first time) and my twins up to the mine, and OMG, it was so worth it! They were so giddy at finding all the large beautiful crystals everywhere. My 4 year old nephew thinks he found "diamonds" and he was ecstatic. Of course he and my niece were just as thrilled with the rocks they were finding, but my two were genuinely excited about the crystals they found.
~~~~~~~~~
We started a family tradition to have a party each year celebrating our anniversaries, all together since it is so hard to keep up all year long. They make homemade ice cream, barbecue, play croquet, volleyball, ping-pong, you name it. My family is jacked up, like everyone's I suppose, but we all put on our happy faces and get along for the weekend. Some are easy to be with and others, well, not so much. But it was a good time.
The bad stuff~
Of course there will always be some things that are not as we would like, or are hard to do. This weekend was no exception.
After the crystal mine, we hiked over to my grandparents house to look around, and to see the animals (they lived on a ranch) . Well, for the first time in my life, the house was empty, and locked. We couldn't get in. It was a sobering feeling to know that this was the new reality. To know that everything has changed, and my childhood playground was no longer open. It was sad, and while I do not easily get emotional, I really had to work on stifling it at that moment. The worst part? My grandpa's dog was still there, on the porch. He is so old he can't see, he can barely move. Why has nobody put him down? He must be so lonely. My uncle lives on the same road, and he goes over everyday to feed the animals, so the dog wasn't starving, but it clearly needs to be put out of it's misery.
~~~~~~~~~
DH and I got along pretty well this weekend. We usually do, and my family loves him, so it was not unusual , but what was unusual was my still constant need to be left alone. I offended him so much this weekend. I'd say I was going for a walk, and I wouldn't invite him. I'd sit in the car, listening to music, and when he'd come to check on me, I'd tell him I wanted to be alone. I'd be quiet and when he asked what was wrong, I'd say I had a headache. I feel myself pulling away from him. I feel so badly about it. He really doesn't deserve it. He does everything right, and yet to me, everything is wrong. My family would disown me if I ever messed up my marriage. I couldn't be happy with anyone else, so I know I have to do something.
So that was my weekend. And believe it or not, I left out a lot of stuff. If anyone made it this far, I'm impressed. I'm glad to be back and now will go catch up with everyone I've missed!
The good stuff~
The stars. I sat on the second level deck with my aunt and drank wine as we watched the meteor shower. Unbelievable. It sickens me that I can't see even a fraction of the stars here in the city, as you can up there. But we had a wonderful time, laughing, reminiscing and catching up. My neck is sore, but it was well worth it.
~~~~~~~~~
My grandfather has a mine on his property, we call it the crystal mine, but I suppose it was originally a gold mine, and the quartz is what was blasted all over the area while mining. Anyhow, as a child my cousins and I picked it over pretty good, and though we can still find handfuls of crystals each visit, I wanted to make it a little more exciting for the kids. So I bought some crystals and hiked up to the mine yesterday and planted them. Today I took my niece and nephew (their first time) and my twins up to the mine, and OMG, it was so worth it! They were so giddy at finding all the large beautiful crystals everywhere. My 4 year old nephew thinks he found "diamonds" and he was ecstatic. Of course he and my niece were just as thrilled with the rocks they were finding, but my two were genuinely excited about the crystals they found.
~~~~~~~~~
We started a family tradition to have a party each year celebrating our anniversaries, all together since it is so hard to keep up all year long. They make homemade ice cream, barbecue, play croquet, volleyball, ping-pong, you name it. My family is jacked up, like everyone's I suppose, but we all put on our happy faces and get along for the weekend. Some are easy to be with and others, well, not so much. But it was a good time.
The bad stuff~
Of course there will always be some things that are not as we would like, or are hard to do. This weekend was no exception.
After the crystal mine, we hiked over to my grandparents house to look around, and to see the animals (they lived on a ranch) . Well, for the first time in my life, the house was empty, and locked. We couldn't get in. It was a sobering feeling to know that this was the new reality. To know that everything has changed, and my childhood playground was no longer open. It was sad, and while I do not easily get emotional, I really had to work on stifling it at that moment. The worst part? My grandpa's dog was still there, on the porch. He is so old he can't see, he can barely move. Why has nobody put him down? He must be so lonely. My uncle lives on the same road, and he goes over everyday to feed the animals, so the dog wasn't starving, but it clearly needs to be put out of it's misery.
~~~~~~~~~
DH and I got along pretty well this weekend. We usually do, and my family loves him, so it was not unusual , but what was unusual was my still constant need to be left alone. I offended him so much this weekend. I'd say I was going for a walk, and I wouldn't invite him. I'd sit in the car, listening to music, and when he'd come to check on me, I'd tell him I wanted to be alone. I'd be quiet and when he asked what was wrong, I'd say I had a headache. I feel myself pulling away from him. I feel so badly about it. He really doesn't deserve it. He does everything right, and yet to me, everything is wrong. My family would disown me if I ever messed up my marriage. I couldn't be happy with anyone else, so I know I have to do something.
So that was my weekend. And believe it or not, I left out a lot of stuff. If anyone made it this far, I'm impressed. I'm glad to be back and now will go catch up with everyone I've missed!
Thursday, August 11, 2005
mid-life crisis???
So tonight I hear this song, the most cheesy, 80's song ever, and it struck a chord with me. Here are the lyrics...
I've Never Been To Me
( Charlene )
"Hey lady, you lady, cursing at your life~You're a discontented mother and a regimented wife~I've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do~But, I wish someone had talked to me, Like I wanna talk to you.....Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run ~I took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun~But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free~I've been to paradise but I've never been to me~Please lady, please lady, don't just walk away'Cause I have this need to tell you why I'm all alone today~I can see so much of me still living in your eyes~Won't you share a part of a weary heart that has lived million lies....Oh, I've been to Niece and the Isle of Greece while I've sipped champagne on a yacht~I've moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got~I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see~I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me
[spoken] Hey, you know what paradise is?It's a lie, a fantasy we create about people and places as we'd like them to be~But you know what truth is? It's that little baby you're holding, it's that man you fought with this morning~The same one you're going to make love with tonight~That's truth, that's love......Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children that might have made me complete~But I took the sweet life, I never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet~I've spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free~Hey lady......I've been to paradise, (I've been to paradise) But I've never been to me(I've been to Georgia and California, and anywhere I could run) I've been to paradise, never been to me"
Lately, I have been feeling unsettled, seeing a lot of the negative in my life. I see what I didn't get, what I can't have, what I always wanted. I am trying to see what I *do* have, trying to see that sometimes those other things are not as important. My husband wrote me an email (as he does every day) and he said "I love you so much. You are truly my best friend and the love of my life, and I am so lucky to have you." This should have made me so happy, but instead, I frowned. Why? What is wrong with me? He knows something is wrong, he can sense it, and he is trying to make everything better, but he can't. He can't, because it is not his to fix. Only I can.
I am hoping this is all some weird age related thing, hormonal maybe. Like the song lyrics say, "I have never been to me". I don't even know what that means, but it must mean something because that is what I keep thinking about. Unlike the character in the song, I have never done or experienced anything that would make me "worldly". I was a good girl, and I got married and had babies. I never dated, didn't even attend high school (home schooling). So now I am wondering, did I miss out on something? And does it even matter, now that I am "happily" married? How dare I be so selfish? He loves me, he adores me, he babies me. And I? Am grateful. And I love him. I do. So what is my problem? When did I start questioning all these things, and how am I supposed to fix it? For now I will keep on the way we have been. He has no idea what is going on in my head, he has no idea what I am thinking about. He loves me, unconditionally, and he is a better person than me. I am lucky. I will tell myself that repeatedly, until it sinks in. And maybe this will all pass and I will feel silly for saying anything at all...
I've Never Been To Me
( Charlene )
"Hey lady, you lady, cursing at your life~You're a discontented mother and a regimented wife~I've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do~But, I wish someone had talked to me, Like I wanna talk to you.....Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run ~I took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun~But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free~I've been to paradise but I've never been to me~Please lady, please lady, don't just walk away'Cause I have this need to tell you why I'm all alone today~I can see so much of me still living in your eyes~Won't you share a part of a weary heart that has lived million lies....Oh, I've been to Niece and the Isle of Greece while I've sipped champagne on a yacht~I've moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got~I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see~I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me
[spoken] Hey, you know what paradise is?It's a lie, a fantasy we create about people and places as we'd like them to be~But you know what truth is? It's that little baby you're holding, it's that man you fought with this morning~The same one you're going to make love with tonight~That's truth, that's love......Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children that might have made me complete~But I took the sweet life, I never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet~I've spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free~Hey lady......I've been to paradise, (I've been to paradise) But I've never been to me(I've been to Georgia and California, and anywhere I could run) I've been to paradise, never been to me"
Lately, I have been feeling unsettled, seeing a lot of the negative in my life. I see what I didn't get, what I can't have, what I always wanted. I am trying to see what I *do* have, trying to see that sometimes those other things are not as important. My husband wrote me an email (as he does every day) and he said "I love you so much. You are truly my best friend and the love of my life, and I am so lucky to have you." This should have made me so happy, but instead, I frowned. Why? What is wrong with me? He knows something is wrong, he can sense it, and he is trying to make everything better, but he can't. He can't, because it is not his to fix. Only I can.
I am hoping this is all some weird age related thing, hormonal maybe. Like the song lyrics say, "I have never been to me". I don't even know what that means, but it must mean something because that is what I keep thinking about. Unlike the character in the song, I have never done or experienced anything that would make me "worldly". I was a good girl, and I got married and had babies. I never dated, didn't even attend high school (home schooling). So now I am wondering, did I miss out on something? And does it even matter, now that I am "happily" married? How dare I be so selfish? He loves me, he adores me, he babies me. And I? Am grateful. And I love him. I do. So what is my problem? When did I start questioning all these things, and how am I supposed to fix it? For now I will keep on the way we have been. He has no idea what is going on in my head, he has no idea what I am thinking about. He loves me, unconditionally, and he is a better person than me. I am lucky. I will tell myself that repeatedly, until it sinks in. And maybe this will all pass and I will feel silly for saying anything at all...
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Ten years old...
Tonight, my children are staying up until midnight. Why? Because tomorrow they will be 10 years old. They want to see if they "feel" anything at midnight. Well, I'm feeling something... complete sadness, terror, anxiety. I am not ready for them to be 10. It means that they have now spent more time living here already, than they have left. It means they are almost "pre-teens", which is alarmingly close to "teens".
I am not ready for this kind of maturing. I am not ready to relinquish the control I have. I have been wondering if I have done enough for them. Have I instilled morals and values in them? Have I properly cared for their mental, emotional and physical health?
And when they leave...what then? Who am I? I never got to "find myself" before I was pregnant with them. Who I am...is their mom. I am scared for the future, theirs and mine.
I am scared of losing the one thing I know. The one thing that makes me feel complete, and happy. I am scared to lose them. Will they need me? What will I do? What if I can't protect them?
Motherhood is so strange in the end. You give them your youth, you give them everything you know to give, your knowledge, your strength, support, love, you give them your very self. And then they grow up, and you are left wondering. Was it enough? Can it ever be? Are the problems they are sure to have, going to be my fault? Should I have done something differently?
I realize they are only turning 10, and not 18 or 20, but the time has flown by so quickly that I can't help but anticipate how quickly the rest will go. And it makes me sad. I remember when they were toddlers, I said when they turned 10, I would cry. And here I am, crying. How did it happen so quickly? Where did my babies go? *sigh*
I will say though, that I am loving getting to know them better. I love seeing them develop a sense of humor, and a sense of pride. I love watching their minds work, and solving problems on their own. I love their beaming faces as they find out they have grown an inch, or outgrown a shoe size. I love the people they are becoming, but I sorely miss the babies that were once so tiny. Oh god, I think I need another baby! (DH will disagree~ since he has had his vasectomy)
:)
I am not ready for this kind of maturing. I am not ready to relinquish the control I have. I have been wondering if I have done enough for them. Have I instilled morals and values in them? Have I properly cared for their mental, emotional and physical health?
And when they leave...what then? Who am I? I never got to "find myself" before I was pregnant with them. Who I am...is their mom. I am scared for the future, theirs and mine.
I am scared of losing the one thing I know. The one thing that makes me feel complete, and happy. I am scared to lose them. Will they need me? What will I do? What if I can't protect them?
Motherhood is so strange in the end. You give them your youth, you give them everything you know to give, your knowledge, your strength, support, love, you give them your very self. And then they grow up, and you are left wondering. Was it enough? Can it ever be? Are the problems they are sure to have, going to be my fault? Should I have done something differently?
I realize they are only turning 10, and not 18 or 20, but the time has flown by so quickly that I can't help but anticipate how quickly the rest will go. And it makes me sad. I remember when they were toddlers, I said when they turned 10, I would cry. And here I am, crying. How did it happen so quickly? Where did my babies go? *sigh*
I will say though, that I am loving getting to know them better. I love seeing them develop a sense of humor, and a sense of pride. I love watching their minds work, and solving problems on their own. I love their beaming faces as they find out they have grown an inch, or outgrown a shoe size. I love the people they are becoming, but I sorely miss the babies that were once so tiny. Oh god, I think I need another baby! (DH will disagree~ since he has had his vasectomy)
:)
Friday, August 05, 2005
Finally!
For the last few weeks I have been slowly going insane. Partly because my kids have been at home all day with me since early June, and partly (perhaps even moreso) because DH has been coming home several times a day. He works right here in town and lately it's been slow for him. So, he comes home. Why this bothers me I have no idea. It was getting so bad that just seeing his car drive up would piss me off. I started getting really rude and distant towards him. I couldn't even talk to him about the little everyday things because I was so angry at him. I didn't think I should tell him what was wrong, because I felt I was wrong for feeling it. But finally, yesterday, it came out. I don't remember how it started but I know I was so hateful towards him that I decided it had to be better to be honest, as opposed to living like that.
He was quite surprised, to say the least. But I reminded him that I've always been a person who enjoyed my alone time. In fact, I need my alone time. He agreed to only come home once, for lunch, and he said he would call before he came. He sent me an email saying how all he wants is for me to be happy, and that he would do whatever it takes to help. How can I be so mean to a guy that is so nice? I don't know, but I do know that if I hadn't told him what was going on with me I would have run away. I was so on the verge of leaving, just for a couple of days even, to be alone. I've never lived alone in my life, in fact, I can count on one hand how many times I have *ever* been alone for a whole day (and night). Maybe I am weird for needing it, maybe it's all because the kids have been home all summer, maybe both. Either way, I feel so good to have finally stepped up and took care of my needs. And, I am so happy that my DH can at least try to understand me enough to give me the space.
Now, I only hope it's enough to give me some peace.
He was quite surprised, to say the least. But I reminded him that I've always been a person who enjoyed my alone time. In fact, I need my alone time. He agreed to only come home once, for lunch, and he said he would call before he came. He sent me an email saying how all he wants is for me to be happy, and that he would do whatever it takes to help. How can I be so mean to a guy that is so nice? I don't know, but I do know that if I hadn't told him what was going on with me I would have run away. I was so on the verge of leaving, just for a couple of days even, to be alone. I've never lived alone in my life, in fact, I can count on one hand how many times I have *ever* been alone for a whole day (and night). Maybe I am weird for needing it, maybe it's all because the kids have been home all summer, maybe both. Either way, I feel so good to have finally stepped up and took care of my needs. And, I am so happy that my DH can at least try to understand me enough to give me the space.
Now, I only hope it's enough to give me some peace.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
PMS-ing...
I am PMS-ing. It sucks. I hate everyone. DH made a tuna sandwhich and it stunk up the house. Cat jumped on the ironing board while I was ironing, then he had the nerve to hang on when I tried to push him off. So the board tipped over and the pad came off. Argh! Then my cell phone was dead. Then I had no gas. Then I had to go to my parents to get the kids swim suits. Then I didn't have time to eat. Then I go to a friends house, and acted happy that she looked great and is buying a new house. (guess that answers the question of what kind of friend I am)
Then I find out that in order to be nice and keep my cousins kids overnight for her, I have drive out to her house in the middle of nowhere because her husband changed their plans. I can't back out, either. Then I am told I need to do three bankruptcies between now and tomorrow afternoon. All while I am PMS-ing!
Sorry for the rant. I just had to get that out.
And the one time I *did* laugh today? I had a mud mask on that had completely dried and it hurt like HELL!
Then I find out that in order to be nice and keep my cousins kids overnight for her, I have drive out to her house in the middle of nowhere because her husband changed their plans. I can't back out, either. Then I am told I need to do three bankruptcies between now and tomorrow afternoon. All while I am PMS-ing!
Sorry for the rant. I just had to get that out.
And the one time I *did* laugh today? I had a mud mask on that had completely dried and it hurt like HELL!
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Stolen from Syren who stole it from Arkie :)
Firsts
First job: Customer service at Circuit City
First screen name: motormouth
First funeral: Grandfather
First pet: Dog named Roscoe
First piercing: Ears, around 10 years old
First tattoo: Sadly, I have none
First credit card: Can't remember
First kiss: Age 17, kissed by then boyfriend, current DH
First enemy: Can't say I've had one
Lasts
Last car ride: Two days ago (I don't get out much)
Last kiss: Well, I kiss my kids goodnight every night
Last movie watched: Wedding Crashers
Last beverage drank: Water, nothing but water
Last food consumed: Applesauce
Last phone call: DH, telling me he was coming home Again! (he should stay at work, no?)
Last time showered: This morning
Last CD played: AC/DC
Last website visited: RealityTVWorld
Now
Single or taken: Married
Gender: Female
Birthday: 1/08/76
siblings: 2 brothers
Hair color: Dark blonde
Eye color: Green/hazel
Shoe size: 8
Height: 5'3 (getting nervous for a sec, thinking weight was next, lol)
Wearing: Black Betty Boop T-shirt and blue jeans
Drinking: Water
Thinking about: Deep stuff, politics, religion, what nail polish to choose...
Listening to: "The Joker" by Steve Miller Band *love that song*
First job: Customer service at Circuit City
First screen name: motormouth
First funeral: Grandfather
First pet: Dog named Roscoe
First piercing: Ears, around 10 years old
First tattoo: Sadly, I have none
First credit card: Can't remember
First kiss: Age 17, kissed by then boyfriend, current DH
First enemy: Can't say I've had one
Lasts
Last car ride: Two days ago (I don't get out much)
Last kiss: Well, I kiss my kids goodnight every night
Last movie watched: Wedding Crashers
Last beverage drank: Water, nothing but water
Last food consumed: Applesauce
Last phone call: DH, telling me he was coming home Again! (he should stay at work, no?)
Last time showered: This morning
Last CD played: AC/DC
Last website visited: RealityTVWorld
Now
Single or taken: Married
Gender: Female
Birthday: 1/08/76
siblings: 2 brothers
Hair color: Dark blonde
Eye color: Green/hazel
Shoe size: 8
Height: 5'3 (getting nervous for a sec, thinking weight was next, lol)
Wearing: Black Betty Boop T-shirt and blue jeans
Drinking: Water
Thinking about: Deep stuff, politics, religion, what nail polish to choose...
Listening to: "The Joker" by Steve Miller Band *love that song*
Sunday, July 31, 2005
saturday night
yay, the kids are at mom and dads so DH and I got some alone time. We went to dinner, then took our walk, then to a movie (more on that later) and then home for shots and play time. we had the usual foreplay fight I start, and then DH insisted on getting some drinks, so I had about four shots of Goldschlager, now I am more than a little too out of it to blog. But, overall, great night. Great day really, spent it shopping with my parents. My dad and I love to banter, and we also love to make fun of my mom, so we always have a good time. Poor mom. Anyhow, about the movie, we saw the wedding crashers, and right in front of us sat a mom and her four year old daughter. It is so hard to enjoy a movie when you are cringing everytime they say the F word, or show something innapropriate for a kid. It really pisses me off to see that. Not to mention that it was after 10pm when the movie started, so why the hell was the little girl out so late?
Am I being judgemental? Is it normal for parents to take kids to rated R movies? Maybe I am just overly sensitive, or protective, but I hate seeing that. Mine have still never seen anything rated R, and they are going to be 10. So tell me, am I wrong? I'd really love another perspective...
night!
please forgive me my mispellings, I can't get my spellcheck to work here, and like I said, I've had a few too many.
Am I being judgemental? Is it normal for parents to take kids to rated R movies? Maybe I am just overly sensitive, or protective, but I hate seeing that. Mine have still never seen anything rated R, and they are going to be 10. So tell me, am I wrong? I'd really love another perspective...
night!
please forgive me my mispellings, I can't get my spellcheck to work here, and like I said, I've had a few too many.
Friday, July 29, 2005
Ok, first of all, I finally got a call back from my Doctor with test results. Much to my shock, he said they came back "normal". WTH? Then why do I wake up in pain all the time? Why can I feel it in there right now? I am absolutley shocked. I fully expected to be told I had a cyst, tumor, something! So now he says, if the pain gets worse, come back in. Ok? Just live with it I guess? So DH is pissed, and wants me to go back in, but honestly...I am glad I don't have to have another surgery. I was so sure I would need one. Plus, I now know that I am clear on a bunch of things most people don't even get checked for (I have no idea what, but they did do a lot of tests). So thats the update on my health.
In other news, my kids are still driving me freaking crazy! I am going to ask DH to take them somwhere for a weekend, or I am going to leave for a weekend. Not sure when, but I feel the need coming on pretty strongly. I'll see if I can make it through the rest of the summer, but I'm not sure.
Another weird thing that has happened lately, I've lost all desire to eat. My daily diet is something like this:
breakfast~ dry shredded wheat
lunch~ nectarine, or yogurt
Dinner~ usually protein, a turkey burger or something, and nothing more.
I used to like eating, then one day recently I seemed to have replaced food with water. I have no idea what this means, and for now I welcome it since I would love to drop a few pounds. We'll see what happens with this as well. DH is on me pretty hard about eating right, so I can't get away with not eating at all, but I wish I could. Like I don't have the energy to think about food.
That's all that is new with me right now. thanks for checking in...*smooches*
eta~have to laugh at myself for posting something as boring as my diet. Guess I was really looking for something to blog about. :)
In other news, my kids are still driving me freaking crazy! I am going to ask DH to take them somwhere for a weekend, or I am going to leave for a weekend. Not sure when, but I feel the need coming on pretty strongly. I'll see if I can make it through the rest of the summer, but I'm not sure.
Another weird thing that has happened lately, I've lost all desire to eat. My daily diet is something like this:
breakfast~ dry shredded wheat
lunch~ nectarine, or yogurt
Dinner~ usually protein, a turkey burger or something, and nothing more.
I used to like eating, then one day recently I seemed to have replaced food with water. I have no idea what this means, and for now I welcome it since I would love to drop a few pounds. We'll see what happens with this as well. DH is on me pretty hard about eating right, so I can't get away with not eating at all, but I wish I could. Like I don't have the energy to think about food.
That's all that is new with me right now. thanks for checking in...*smooches*
eta~have to laugh at myself for posting something as boring as my diet. Guess I was really looking for something to blog about. :)
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Saturday gone already?
Wow, this weekend snuck up on me and now it's almost over. Today I took DD and her friend to see a play. We go periodically to the local theatre. Today it was The Little Mermaid, and was a little too immature for them. But we had fun anyways.
Tomorrow we are having a goodbye dinner for some friends who are moving to Arizona. Very sad, they are taking DS's best friend with them. Plus John has been a very good friend to me, and we often enjoyed eachother's company on field trips and whatnot. It's funny, he has a very playful/obnoxious personality, but I cannot imagine not seeing him all the time. He had a knack for always coming over during the day at the worst possible time, and he always wanted to stay and talk. While it bugged the crap out of me most of the time, I will miss it. He knew he was bugging me, and he loved it. He would always laugh and say, "Who loves you, baby?". Oh geez, now I might cry. Change of subject....
Update: I woke DH up for a 2am booty call, (remember he was being all whiny?) anyways, he ended up not being able to go back to sleep, (this was Thursday) and so he stayed awake from 2am on and had to go to work with little sleep. Kinda funny, I think. :D (but I am also kinda mean)
So that's it for now. Tomorrow should be interesting, and sad, and busy.
*smooches*
Tomorrow we are having a goodbye dinner for some friends who are moving to Arizona. Very sad, they are taking DS's best friend with them. Plus John has been a very good friend to me, and we often enjoyed eachother's company on field trips and whatnot. It's funny, he has a very playful/obnoxious personality, but I cannot imagine not seeing him all the time. He had a knack for always coming over during the day at the worst possible time, and he always wanted to stay and talk. While it bugged the crap out of me most of the time, I will miss it. He knew he was bugging me, and he loved it. He would always laugh and say, "Who loves you, baby?". Oh geez, now I might cry. Change of subject....
Update: I woke DH up for a 2am booty call, (remember he was being all whiny?) anyways, he ended up not being able to go back to sleep, (this was Thursday) and so he stayed awake from 2am on and had to go to work with little sleep. Kinda funny, I think. :D (but I am also kinda mean)
So that's it for now. Tomorrow should be interesting, and sad, and busy.
*smooches*
Thursday, July 21, 2005
untitled
I have no idea why I try to blog so late at night. And why am I excited that I have Valium sitting here on my desk? I get to take one tomorrow, to help me get through the CAT Scan. I don't know if I can do it though. I guess I need to trust the drug to do it's job.
DH thinks he might die, because I have withheld sex for a whole week. Not to be mean or anything. It's just *that* time, ya know? Just makes me wonder how other couples do things. I told him to take care of himself and in his most whiny voice he says "it's not the same". Waaaaahhhh....
Maybe I'm not empathetic enough. Eh, I'm up too stupid late to care.
So wish me luck, soon I will know what is wrong with me. Or worse, I won't. I'm guessing I'll get results soon after the test is done, maybe within a day or two.
Oh and one more thing. My kids are going to be the death of me. They are fighting so badly that I have resorted to wearing ear plugs around the house. I know when they are tattling but I just smile and nod. It pisses them off but in the end they work things out on their own. And to give you an idea of how bad things are, they fight over the following;
~which garbage can they get to pull up from the street (because color really matters, dammit)
~which chair they sit in during meals (no obvious benefit I can see)
~which side of the car they sit on (no obvious benefit I can see)
~who has the remote (obvious benefit)
~whether one saw the magical hour of 1:11, 2:22, 3:33 (etc, you get the point) and didn't tell the other so they could make their wish together.
~which bathroom they get to use if (god forbid) they need to go at the same time
~who has to feed the cat....I could go on and on, but i'll spare you.
So this is me updating my blog just to update it. I'll try to get something quality up here soon. Thanks for coming by....
DH thinks he might die, because I have withheld sex for a whole week. Not to be mean or anything. It's just *that* time, ya know? Just makes me wonder how other couples do things. I told him to take care of himself and in his most whiny voice he says "it's not the same". Waaaaahhhh....
Maybe I'm not empathetic enough. Eh, I'm up too stupid late to care.
So wish me luck, soon I will know what is wrong with me. Or worse, I won't. I'm guessing I'll get results soon after the test is done, maybe within a day or two.
Oh and one more thing. My kids are going to be the death of me. They are fighting so badly that I have resorted to wearing ear plugs around the house. I know when they are tattling but I just smile and nod. It pisses them off but in the end they work things out on their own. And to give you an idea of how bad things are, they fight over the following;
~which garbage can they get to pull up from the street (because color really matters, dammit)
~which chair they sit in during meals (no obvious benefit I can see)
~which side of the car they sit on (no obvious benefit I can see)
~who has the remote (obvious benefit)
~whether one saw the magical hour of 1:11, 2:22, 3:33 (etc, you get the point) and didn't tell the other so they could make their wish together.
~which bathroom they get to use if (god forbid) they need to go at the same time
~who has to feed the cat....I could go on and on, but i'll spare you.
So this is me updating my blog just to update it. I'll try to get something quality up here soon. Thanks for coming by....
Saturday, July 16, 2005
Willy Wonka
I just got back from taking the kids to see it tonight. I'm shocked they stayed awake, if it hadn't been freezing in the theatre I would have been asleep myself. I didn't care for the movie at all. Everyone else loved it, (DH and parents went as well). Willy was just too weird for me. C'mon, if you are going to use Johnny Depp then make him hot for goodness sakes!
Ouch! I keep forgetting that I tore two knuckles of my hand yesterday at my moms. Trying to water for her and I couldn't turn the damn water off so I used all my strength and of course the handle turned so suddenly it threw my hand forward onto the house where it got scraped up pretty good. Now I keep doing everyday stuff like washing my hands or applying lotion and I forget every time and end up swearing in pain. Wow, that was an exciting story, wasn't it?
See? Come to my blog and you get my very important movie review and a real neat injury story. You should come by more often. *smooches*
Ouch! I keep forgetting that I tore two knuckles of my hand yesterday at my moms. Trying to water for her and I couldn't turn the damn water off so I used all my strength and of course the handle turned so suddenly it threw my hand forward onto the house where it got scraped up pretty good. Now I keep doing everyday stuff like washing my hands or applying lotion and I forget every time and end up swearing in pain. Wow, that was an exciting story, wasn't it?
See? Come to my blog and you get my very important movie review and a real neat injury story. You should come by more often. *smooches*
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Money, money, money
So today my DH calls me and says he needs money. Why? you ask. Because over 6 months ago when we got our new carpet, he didn't pay for it. The guy he works for finally asked him today for it. I normally have a pretty casual attitude about money but today...it pissed me off royally.
Everytime we have any money, it is gone before we know where it went. So last time, I tell DH we should put it in my account, where it will be safe. More than once we have gone through thousands of dollars without realizing it. Of course we are able to look back and see where some of it goes but a lot of the time it's just gone. We like to play, we like to take the kids out and do stuff but this is freaking ridiculous. So for safe keeping it is in my bank now. And now today I had to transfer $1000 to his account. He never even told me we didn't pay for the carpet originally. I thought it was paid for back when we had the money for it. Now? We don't. I had to cough it up of course but it hurts. It's not just extra money. We are not rich. We are struggling like everyone else, paycheck to paycheck.
Last month I asked him for our account balance and we were down 2 grand. I didn't get angry, I didn't say much. I was heartsick of course but I knew it wasn't entirely his fault. I was so proud of myself for being good about it. Well today was a different story. When he got home I laid into him pretty hard. He felt like an ass (which is good) and he went back to work. The problem is I'm still pissed about it. When he got off work, I asked him to take the kids and go somewhere. Anywhere. Just go. He just called me and is taking them out to dinner, after buying DS some new shoes and stuff. I needed to vent so here it is. I feel like a bitch. I just can't help it. I'm trying so hard to have a savings account and he just screwed it up by not being responsible. Did he think the carpet guys would forget? Hello? Ugh! He's on my shit list right now and he doesn't even know it. I know I have to let it go but I think I will do it tomorrow. Sorry for the rant.
Everytime we have any money, it is gone before we know where it went. So last time, I tell DH we should put it in my account, where it will be safe. More than once we have gone through thousands of dollars without realizing it. Of course we are able to look back and see where some of it goes but a lot of the time it's just gone. We like to play, we like to take the kids out and do stuff but this is freaking ridiculous. So for safe keeping it is in my bank now. And now today I had to transfer $1000 to his account. He never even told me we didn't pay for the carpet originally. I thought it was paid for back when we had the money for it. Now? We don't. I had to cough it up of course but it hurts. It's not just extra money. We are not rich. We are struggling like everyone else, paycheck to paycheck.
Last month I asked him for our account balance and we were down 2 grand. I didn't get angry, I didn't say much. I was heartsick of course but I knew it wasn't entirely his fault. I was so proud of myself for being good about it. Well today was a different story. When he got home I laid into him pretty hard. He felt like an ass (which is good) and he went back to work. The problem is I'm still pissed about it. When he got off work, I asked him to take the kids and go somewhere. Anywhere. Just go. He just called me and is taking them out to dinner, after buying DS some new shoes and stuff. I needed to vent so here it is. I feel like a bitch. I just can't help it. I'm trying so hard to have a savings account and he just screwed it up by not being responsible. Did he think the carpet guys would forget? Hello? Ugh! He's on my shit list right now and he doesn't even know it. I know I have to let it go but I think I will do it tomorrow. Sorry for the rant.
Saturday, July 02, 2005
anyone want to psychoanalyze me?
So after writing about my wonderful DH, let me now say he has screwed up before.
My questions are these;
Do all men look at porn? Do all men really lust after our friends?
Do they call phone sex lines? Do they secretly want more than we are willing to give?
I already said my husband is a good man. He is. He has (in my opinion) majorly screwed up 5 times in our marriage.
1st time~I thought he had stopped smoking pot right after we were married. Shortly after that he hired his old best friend to work for him and a couple months later I found his pipe, visine and a lighter hidden in our closet. (what an idiot to hide them there, really) So I confront him and he admits it. He was at work during the confrontation. So I naturally gather up his old bongs, pipes, lighters etc., and I put them in an old duffel bag. I put the bag in the trash can outside long enough to get covered in ants. Then I drive it over to his friends house and put it all in the front seat of his car. (very mature, I know) I blamed his friend which was wrong. So he swears off of it and as far as I know hasn't gone back. Sometimes I'm tempted to smoke it still, since I never had a fair shot at trying it, but I figure we're past that now and we have kids so...that's it.
2nd time~Found out he had called a phone sex thingy when I was out of town. Busted him, cried about it, threw a fit, he said he would never do it again.
3rd time~ More porn, this time he paid for it off of the cable channel. Again, when I was out of town. This time I called him some names, I threatened to leave him since I couldn't trust him. He really didn't see the connection to the phone sex thing since he thought I just didn't want him talking to someone real.
4th time~ The worst ever. I know I have womens intuition. I know it. I was ok with all the people he worked with until this one girl Jennifer was hired. I had heard of her through some friends of friends, but had never seen her. So I drive out to his work for luch one day and we are talking about all his co-workers and I say look, I know you go out to lunch with a lot of people but please don't ever go out with just her. I wouldn't like, don't trust it. He looks confused and says ok.
Weeks later, my little brother says he saw my husbands car at a restaraunt but he didn't go in to see him. So later, I casually ask him who he was at lunch with. He answers me with "Jennifer".
Then he admits he has been going to lunch with her for a while now, just the two of them. He got very defensive and said he never understood my problem with it and didn't feel like he had to make an ass of himself and tell her he had to stop, after I had asked him not to. So he continued. Sometimes they went with a group, sometimes alone. She even rode in his truck with him. I felt like he had cheated on me. He had hidden a friendship from me, because...well, why? Why was she so important that he lied to me about her? The funny thing about her was that she was going to lunch with some other married men and when their wives found out, they had to tell her they couldn't anymore. She was very friendly with all the men. Now, I kind of wonder sometimes if anything else ever happend, I don't think it did. Partly because of his defensive nature when I found out. If he had been feeling guilty, he would have been more apologetic, but he really didn't get it, didn't understand. Until of course I asked him if it was ok if I secretly went out with another man. Then he shut up and got it. It still bothers me to this day that it happend, and that was 5 years ago. We no longer have the truck but I never did get in it again. I refused to be where she was. I never even went out to see him at work again. It was very ugly at the time.
5th time~ Not so bad really. His buddy, the one who tried to get him to go to a strip club, the one we found out not long ago is sleeping with my DH's mother, came over while my MIL was in town (go figure) and the three of them went out to dinner. I had been gone all day with the kids at an amusement park. So I get home and I can tell he is buzzed. I ask him privately how much he'd had and he says 1 tall beer. I say ok, I want to put the kids to bed and join them in the living room, get a wine cooler or whatever. I come out and I can tell he is way more wasted than I thought.
Then I realize he is still drinking rum and coke as we were speaking. I couldn't believe he didn't tell me. So I go in our room when he comes in I say WTF? Why didn't you just tell me you were drunk? He started being an ass, being too loud and IMO, just being a jerk. I told him I would have loved to drink with them all but I had just needed to know where he was at mentally so I knew whether to put the kids down myself. He pissed me off by being loud enough for my MIL to know what we were talking about. So I said screw it, I'm going to bed.
I thought he would come in to talk to me and when he didn't, I was so pissed I did something I'm incredibly embarassed about. I went out our bedroom window, and was going to leave. As I was sneaking out the side of the house I realized he and his friend were outside talking. This is when I overhear his friend saying he had cheated on his wife. He didn't even say he cheated, he just talked about a hot blonde with big tits that he slept with. I guess to "cheat" you would have to feel guilt in some way. But anyways, he asked DH why I was so upset and to his credit, DH says it was his fault, he lied to me.
I still left, went to my brothers house and called DH at home, where we had an awesome fight. I swore at him, said things I never thought I would have. I say it was awesome because I do love to fight. I get a rush out of it. DH, on the other hand refuses to fight. He hates arguing at all. But that night, I let off some steam and regretfully went home, since I didn't want his mother to know I had even left. That was our last real fight, and that about 2-3 years ago.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So now, let me clarify some things. First of all, I do not think porn is bad. In fact, it's a long time joke between DH and I that every anniversary when we go away, I want him to buy some. The thing is, I grew up not even watching ratedR movies, so porn has always been somewhat fascinating to me. Until of course I get it, and then think "what is the fuss all about..this stuff does nothing for me" But anyways, I have often asked him to view it with me, and I tend to be more vulgar than he is most of the time. He thinks it's because his mother was so open about it all when he was a teenager. She would buy all the boys magazines and movies, she got off on it. She is a twisted mother if you ask me. So DH had his share of porn while he was a teenager, and so now it doesn't do so much for him. (so he says)
The reason this is all even an issue is because today I went into his email and saw two spam ads for porn stuff. (ftr, we share our email accounts) I asked him about it and he says he doesn't know why he's getting it. I say "do you look at porn?" He say's "yeah, a little". Again, I'm like WTF? I look at Milf sometimes, I think it's a riot. I usually look at it while he's right here in the room with me though. He says he has looked at Milf too, and that's it. I asked him to please not jerk off under our computer desk. That kind of pissed him off, he says he's only looked out of curiosity a couple of times. What do I make of all this? Is this all normal? What does it mean?
So, any one want to psycho analyze me? Or my DH for that matter...
My questions are these;
Do all men look at porn? Do all men really lust after our friends?
Do they call phone sex lines? Do they secretly want more than we are willing to give?
I already said my husband is a good man. He is. He has (in my opinion) majorly screwed up 5 times in our marriage.
1st time~I thought he had stopped smoking pot right after we were married. Shortly after that he hired his old best friend to work for him and a couple months later I found his pipe, visine and a lighter hidden in our closet. (what an idiot to hide them there, really) So I confront him and he admits it. He was at work during the confrontation. So I naturally gather up his old bongs, pipes, lighters etc., and I put them in an old duffel bag. I put the bag in the trash can outside long enough to get covered in ants. Then I drive it over to his friends house and put it all in the front seat of his car. (very mature, I know) I blamed his friend which was wrong. So he swears off of it and as far as I know hasn't gone back. Sometimes I'm tempted to smoke it still, since I never had a fair shot at trying it, but I figure we're past that now and we have kids so...that's it.
2nd time~Found out he had called a phone sex thingy when I was out of town. Busted him, cried about it, threw a fit, he said he would never do it again.
3rd time~ More porn, this time he paid for it off of the cable channel. Again, when I was out of town. This time I called him some names, I threatened to leave him since I couldn't trust him. He really didn't see the connection to the phone sex thing since he thought I just didn't want him talking to someone real.
4th time~ The worst ever. I know I have womens intuition. I know it. I was ok with all the people he worked with until this one girl Jennifer was hired. I had heard of her through some friends of friends, but had never seen her. So I drive out to his work for luch one day and we are talking about all his co-workers and I say look, I know you go out to lunch with a lot of people but please don't ever go out with just her. I wouldn't like, don't trust it. He looks confused and says ok.
Weeks later, my little brother says he saw my husbands car at a restaraunt but he didn't go in to see him. So later, I casually ask him who he was at lunch with. He answers me with "Jennifer".
Then he admits he has been going to lunch with her for a while now, just the two of them. He got very defensive and said he never understood my problem with it and didn't feel like he had to make an ass of himself and tell her he had to stop, after I had asked him not to. So he continued. Sometimes they went with a group, sometimes alone. She even rode in his truck with him. I felt like he had cheated on me. He had hidden a friendship from me, because...well, why? Why was she so important that he lied to me about her? The funny thing about her was that she was going to lunch with some other married men and when their wives found out, they had to tell her they couldn't anymore. She was very friendly with all the men. Now, I kind of wonder sometimes if anything else ever happend, I don't think it did. Partly because of his defensive nature when I found out. If he had been feeling guilty, he would have been more apologetic, but he really didn't get it, didn't understand. Until of course I asked him if it was ok if I secretly went out with another man. Then he shut up and got it. It still bothers me to this day that it happend, and that was 5 years ago. We no longer have the truck but I never did get in it again. I refused to be where she was. I never even went out to see him at work again. It was very ugly at the time.
5th time~ Not so bad really. His buddy, the one who tried to get him to go to a strip club, the one we found out not long ago is sleeping with my DH's mother, came over while my MIL was in town (go figure) and the three of them went out to dinner. I had been gone all day with the kids at an amusement park. So I get home and I can tell he is buzzed. I ask him privately how much he'd had and he says 1 tall beer. I say ok, I want to put the kids to bed and join them in the living room, get a wine cooler or whatever. I come out and I can tell he is way more wasted than I thought.
Then I realize he is still drinking rum and coke as we were speaking. I couldn't believe he didn't tell me. So I go in our room when he comes in I say WTF? Why didn't you just tell me you were drunk? He started being an ass, being too loud and IMO, just being a jerk. I told him I would have loved to drink with them all but I had just needed to know where he was at mentally so I knew whether to put the kids down myself. He pissed me off by being loud enough for my MIL to know what we were talking about. So I said screw it, I'm going to bed.
I thought he would come in to talk to me and when he didn't, I was so pissed I did something I'm incredibly embarassed about. I went out our bedroom window, and was going to leave. As I was sneaking out the side of the house I realized he and his friend were outside talking. This is when I overhear his friend saying he had cheated on his wife. He didn't even say he cheated, he just talked about a hot blonde with big tits that he slept with. I guess to "cheat" you would have to feel guilt in some way. But anyways, he asked DH why I was so upset and to his credit, DH says it was his fault, he lied to me.
I still left, went to my brothers house and called DH at home, where we had an awesome fight. I swore at him, said things I never thought I would have. I say it was awesome because I do love to fight. I get a rush out of it. DH, on the other hand refuses to fight. He hates arguing at all. But that night, I let off some steam and regretfully went home, since I didn't want his mother to know I had even left. That was our last real fight, and that about 2-3 years ago.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So now, let me clarify some things. First of all, I do not think porn is bad. In fact, it's a long time joke between DH and I that every anniversary when we go away, I want him to buy some. The thing is, I grew up not even watching ratedR movies, so porn has always been somewhat fascinating to me. Until of course I get it, and then think "what is the fuss all about..this stuff does nothing for me" But anyways, I have often asked him to view it with me, and I tend to be more vulgar than he is most of the time. He thinks it's because his mother was so open about it all when he was a teenager. She would buy all the boys magazines and movies, she got off on it. She is a twisted mother if you ask me. So DH had his share of porn while he was a teenager, and so now it doesn't do so much for him. (so he says)
The reason this is all even an issue is because today I went into his email and saw two spam ads for porn stuff. (ftr, we share our email accounts) I asked him about it and he says he doesn't know why he's getting it. I say "do you look at porn?" He say's "yeah, a little". Again, I'm like WTF? I look at Milf sometimes, I think it's a riot. I usually look at it while he's right here in the room with me though. He says he has looked at Milf too, and that's it. I asked him to please not jerk off under our computer desk. That kind of pissed him off, he says he's only looked out of curiosity a couple of times. What do I make of all this? Is this all normal? What does it mean?
So, any one want to psycho analyze me? Or my DH for that matter...
Thursday, June 30, 2005
My DH
This post is going to be about my DH. Sometimes I feel that I portray him as my oppressor. So tonight I want to tell a little about him.
We met on a school funded "computer" that had a chat function. (I was 17, he was 19) I said hello to him first and from there we started chatting as often as we could. I eventually asked him where he lived and he shocked my by saying that he lived in #####, which was the same town as me. Since there were so many who were chatting from all over the U.S and from other countries, I didn't expect that at all. As we got to know each other better, I realized he was exactly what I liked. A "rocker". He had very long hair, liked heavy metal, and seemed like a "bad boy". He wanted to meet but I resisted, knowing my parents would rather die than let me meet up with a stranger from the internet. After some time, I asked where exactly he lived in #####...and to my horror, he said he lived on X street. I about fell out of my chair. I lived on X street! The street is kinda long and we lived about 10 houses apart, with a cross street between us. So, I eventually called him, which led to me sneaking out to meet him. We started seeing eachother 12 years ago tonight.
He was indeed all the bad things I was attracted to. He smoked, drank, sold weed, and all the other things I already mentioned. I was flattered that he liked me. He had a lot of friends, girls came over to his house a lot. He had the house to himself since his mother had moved out. It was a constant party there, keg and pool table included. I was so out of my element it wasn't funny. And yet he made me feel comfortable. I didn't get to see him often since I couldn't tell my parents about him, so we had stolen moments here and there. I told him I was waiting until marriage to have sex and he was not happy, but respectful of that. This went on for a year and a half. Sneaking out, making out, holding out. I'll spare the details but I eventually decided to sleep with him, we were both virgins and had waited long enough. I was very disappointed in myself for not waiting but I was also very grateful to him for putting up with my shit.
While we were dating, I decided I was uncomfortable with one of his girl friends. They went on drives together and generally hung out. I might have been more ok with it had I been able to hang out too, but I was still sneaking around at that point so I couldn't be there since my parents were right down the street. I was very jealous and insecure. He respected my feelings and stopped the time he spent with her on a one on one basis. So fast forward a couple months, I'm pregnant, have to tell my parents, and we decide to get married. Somewhere along the way he cut his hair for a work promotion, he stopped smoking when I got pregnant, and the drinking was cut back. As we neared marriage, other little things happend too, he traded his keg for a clothes dryer, he kicked out his roomies, and he stopped selling. When our kids were born, he stayed by my side even though he was unbearably uncomfortable with my parents and family.
He resisited my mothers attempts to guilt him into letting her be in the delivery room with me. He stood his ground. When the kids were born, he had a flower arrangement made for me that was so big, when our kids were two years old, they were able to sit in the basket together.
He dealt with feeling like an outsider, and stuck through it all with me. He paid child support until we were married and still bought everything for them.
By the time we were married, my parents loved him. He had proven to be a good man, who treated the babies and myself as well as parents could hope for.
The funny thing is that who I thought I was attracted to, isn't who he is at all. He treats me so good it's embarassing. He lets me be a bad wife, not cleaning the house, not making him dinner. I try to do those things of course, but when I don't, he doesn't even mention it. He does all the grocery shopping, he cooks a lot of the time, he will clean when he sees something needs it. He brings me gifts. He never goes out with friends, in fact most of them disappeared when we were married. He is a 100% family man. Most of my friends like him more than me. (which is why I keep him away from some) He has never cheated on me, never disrespected me in any way.
Once, he went with his long time childhood friend to a ball game, with a couple of his friends and when he came home, he was a little unnerved. He told me that they had wanted to go to a strip club and he said no. They put pressure on him saying what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. He stood his ground and refused. He knew they would think he was lame for not going, but he also knew I would be hurt if he had gone.
The thing about me is, I'm extremely conservative. I know alot of women wouldn't care if their men went as long as they came home to them. I'm not like that. No. No, you can't go gawk at other women, get all worked up, come home and use me. No. I'm possessive and I'm jealous and frankly I think I have too much pride to let someone make a fool of me. I used to be convinced that all men cheated. So I set traps, I watched his every move, monitored everything.
I went overboard for sure, but at the end, I knew I wasn't being played. Hell, I used to freak out at the thought of him masterbating. Thought it meant I wasn't good enough. I've gotten over that kind of stuff, I don't drill him about who he works with, I don't try to catch him lying. He is a faithful man. He is so kind and gentle. So freakin considerate. I get massages whenever I want. He will go to the store at midnight for me if I have a craving. And yet, he is still a strong man who will put his foot down when he thinks I've gone too far. He has been stern with me, but never yells, never calls me names. (at least not out loud) When we rarely fight, we are calm and able to communicate well. I can be nasty when I'm angry, I know what to say that hurts him. He isn't like that. He tries so hard not to hurt me. Even when he screws up, which he has done, he never repeats it again. He learns from it. He has also learned from me.
When we first met, he was a blank canvas, waiting to be painted. His mother hadn't taught him anything about being social, about parenting, anything. So he was a sponge and he soaked up everything I believed in. I guess maybe that's why we work. Who wouldn't want to be with someone who adopts your beliefs, with their whole heart, because they never developed their own opinions? Strike that-that sounds horrible. He is not a robot, who does what I say. He likes a lot of things that I don't, has many different ideas. In fact we joke that we are opposites, because we rarely agree on the little things. What I mean is that most people argue about finances, children, politics and religion. He was never really informed or interested in any of those things until we met. So like many married people do, he kind of adopted my beliefs because he was so indifferent to begin with.
I often ask him to tell me his opinion, and I ask him to explain why it is the way it is, because I fear that he just goes along with me without thinking, but the truth is he does think about it, he just tends to agree with me. (how can I argue with that?) So we get along beautifully. I've even changed some of my stricter, more uptight ways, to be more like him. It works for us.
He is actually much smarter than me intellectually, it pisses me off to no end that he has an IQ of 146. But I beat him in the common sense and social skills department, so we compliment eachother really.
I know in my heart that I could never do better than my DH. Not because my self esteem is low, but because he really is that good. I do foolish things sometimes, but I would never risk losing him. I honestly cannot imagine a happier marriage.
So, if you've read this far, thank you. It was a long post but I am so glad I got this out there.
We met on a school funded "computer" that had a chat function. (I was 17, he was 19) I said hello to him first and from there we started chatting as often as we could. I eventually asked him where he lived and he shocked my by saying that he lived in #####, which was the same town as me. Since there were so many who were chatting from all over the U.S and from other countries, I didn't expect that at all. As we got to know each other better, I realized he was exactly what I liked. A "rocker". He had very long hair, liked heavy metal, and seemed like a "bad boy". He wanted to meet but I resisted, knowing my parents would rather die than let me meet up with a stranger from the internet. After some time, I asked where exactly he lived in #####...and to my horror, he said he lived on X street. I about fell out of my chair. I lived on X street! The street is kinda long and we lived about 10 houses apart, with a cross street between us. So, I eventually called him, which led to me sneaking out to meet him. We started seeing eachother 12 years ago tonight.
He was indeed all the bad things I was attracted to. He smoked, drank, sold weed, and all the other things I already mentioned. I was flattered that he liked me. He had a lot of friends, girls came over to his house a lot. He had the house to himself since his mother had moved out. It was a constant party there, keg and pool table included. I was so out of my element it wasn't funny. And yet he made me feel comfortable. I didn't get to see him often since I couldn't tell my parents about him, so we had stolen moments here and there. I told him I was waiting until marriage to have sex and he was not happy, but respectful of that. This went on for a year and a half. Sneaking out, making out, holding out. I'll spare the details but I eventually decided to sleep with him, we were both virgins and had waited long enough. I was very disappointed in myself for not waiting but I was also very grateful to him for putting up with my shit.
While we were dating, I decided I was uncomfortable with one of his girl friends. They went on drives together and generally hung out. I might have been more ok with it had I been able to hang out too, but I was still sneaking around at that point so I couldn't be there since my parents were right down the street. I was very jealous and insecure. He respected my feelings and stopped the time he spent with her on a one on one basis. So fast forward a couple months, I'm pregnant, have to tell my parents, and we decide to get married. Somewhere along the way he cut his hair for a work promotion, he stopped smoking when I got pregnant, and the drinking was cut back. As we neared marriage, other little things happend too, he traded his keg for a clothes dryer, he kicked out his roomies, and he stopped selling. When our kids were born, he stayed by my side even though he was unbearably uncomfortable with my parents and family.
He resisited my mothers attempts to guilt him into letting her be in the delivery room with me. He stood his ground. When the kids were born, he had a flower arrangement made for me that was so big, when our kids were two years old, they were able to sit in the basket together.
He dealt with feeling like an outsider, and stuck through it all with me. He paid child support until we were married and still bought everything for them.
By the time we were married, my parents loved him. He had proven to be a good man, who treated the babies and myself as well as parents could hope for.
The funny thing is that who I thought I was attracted to, isn't who he is at all. He treats me so good it's embarassing. He lets me be a bad wife, not cleaning the house, not making him dinner. I try to do those things of course, but when I don't, he doesn't even mention it. He does all the grocery shopping, he cooks a lot of the time, he will clean when he sees something needs it. He brings me gifts. He never goes out with friends, in fact most of them disappeared when we were married. He is a 100% family man. Most of my friends like him more than me. (which is why I keep him away from some) He has never cheated on me, never disrespected me in any way.
Once, he went with his long time childhood friend to a ball game, with a couple of his friends and when he came home, he was a little unnerved. He told me that they had wanted to go to a strip club and he said no. They put pressure on him saying what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. He stood his ground and refused. He knew they would think he was lame for not going, but he also knew I would be hurt if he had gone.
The thing about me is, I'm extremely conservative. I know alot of women wouldn't care if their men went as long as they came home to them. I'm not like that. No. No, you can't go gawk at other women, get all worked up, come home and use me. No. I'm possessive and I'm jealous and frankly I think I have too much pride to let someone make a fool of me. I used to be convinced that all men cheated. So I set traps, I watched his every move, monitored everything.
I went overboard for sure, but at the end, I knew I wasn't being played. Hell, I used to freak out at the thought of him masterbating. Thought it meant I wasn't good enough. I've gotten over that kind of stuff, I don't drill him about who he works with, I don't try to catch him lying. He is a faithful man. He is so kind and gentle. So freakin considerate. I get massages whenever I want. He will go to the store at midnight for me if I have a craving. And yet, he is still a strong man who will put his foot down when he thinks I've gone too far. He has been stern with me, but never yells, never calls me names. (at least not out loud) When we rarely fight, we are calm and able to communicate well. I can be nasty when I'm angry, I know what to say that hurts him. He isn't like that. He tries so hard not to hurt me. Even when he screws up, which he has done, he never repeats it again. He learns from it. He has also learned from me.
When we first met, he was a blank canvas, waiting to be painted. His mother hadn't taught him anything about being social, about parenting, anything. So he was a sponge and he soaked up everything I believed in. I guess maybe that's why we work. Who wouldn't want to be with someone who adopts your beliefs, with their whole heart, because they never developed their own opinions? Strike that-that sounds horrible. He is not a robot, who does what I say. He likes a lot of things that I don't, has many different ideas. In fact we joke that we are opposites, because we rarely agree on the little things. What I mean is that most people argue about finances, children, politics and religion. He was never really informed or interested in any of those things until we met. So like many married people do, he kind of adopted my beliefs because he was so indifferent to begin with.
I often ask him to tell me his opinion, and I ask him to explain why it is the way it is, because I fear that he just goes along with me without thinking, but the truth is he does think about it, he just tends to agree with me. (how can I argue with that?) So we get along beautifully. I've even changed some of my stricter, more uptight ways, to be more like him. It works for us.
He is actually much smarter than me intellectually, it pisses me off to no end that he has an IQ of 146. But I beat him in the common sense and social skills department, so we compliment eachother really.
I know in my heart that I could never do better than my DH. Not because my self esteem is low, but because he really is that good. I do foolish things sometimes, but I would never risk losing him. I honestly cannot imagine a happier marriage.
So, if you've read this far, thank you. It was a long post but I am so glad I got this out there.
Monday, June 27, 2005
what I learned this weekend...
...is that I should not drink almost half a bottle of Goldschlager. It makes me feel sick. (I think it was more like a third) At any rate, this is the best blog update I can come up with for now. :)
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