Ten years old...

Tonight, my children are staying up until midnight. Why? Because tomorrow they will be 10 years old. They want to see if they "feel" anything at midnight. Well, I'm feeling something... complete sadness, terror, anxiety. I am not ready for them to be 10. It means that they have now spent more time living here already, than they have left. It means they are almost "pre-teens", which is alarmingly close to "teens".

I am not ready for this kind of maturing. I am not ready to relinquish the control I have. I have been wondering if I have done enough for them. Have I instilled morals and values in them? Have I properly cared for their mental, emotional and physical health?
And when they leave...what then? Who am I? I never got to "find myself" before I was pregnant with them. Who I am...is their mom. I am scared for the future, theirs and mine.
I am scared of losing the one thing I know. The one thing that makes me feel complete, and happy. I am scared to lose them. Will they need me? What will I do? What if I can't protect them?

Motherhood is so strange in the end. You give them your youth, you give them everything you know to give, your knowledge, your strength, support, love, you give them your very self. And then they grow up, and you are left wondering. Was it enough? Can it ever be? Are the problems they are sure to have, going to be my fault? Should I have done something differently?

I realize they are only turning 10, and not 18 or 20, but the time has flown by so quickly that I can't help but anticipate how quickly the rest will go. And it makes me sad. I remember when they were toddlers, I said when they turned 10, I would cry. And here I am, crying. How did it happen so quickly? Where did my babies go? *sigh*

I will say though, that I am loving getting to know them better. I love seeing them develop a sense of humor, and a sense of pride. I love watching their minds work, and solving problems on their own. I love their beaming faces as they find out they have grown an inch, or outgrown a shoe size. I love the people they are becoming, but I sorely miss the babies that were once so tiny. Oh god, I think I need another baby! (DH will disagree~ since he has had his vasectomy)
:)