Well, in my last post I said it looked as though my brother's marriage was over. Then, much to my shock, he was talked into giving her another chance. This was after admitting to me (and my parents) just how this girl acted behind closed doors. I want to give you all lots of examples, but I don't even know where to start. All I can say is she is the epitome of narcissistic. She would tell him he could "never do better than her" and that she could "beat him up if she wanted to" (WTF?? Who says that??) and that she could "walk all over him if she wanted to". She talked about how she could never have "normal" women as friends because if they were not as beautiful as her, they were too jealous to be good friends with her. On it goes...including her constantly talking about her first ex, who was the one who physically and emotionally abused her. Except she never mentioned all that. Instead she would talk about how good looking he was and how much money he made. She would then very graciously say that she sees potential in my brother, making it seem as though she is doing him a favor by "helping" him see it. Anyways, by the time I heard all of this, I was completely ready to never have to see her again.
I was quite upset (understatement) to find out he was giving her another chance. She begged him, saying she loved him and would change. She took full responsibility for everything, admitting everything he pointed out to her. By the next day, she was angry at him for "only noticing the bad things about her". She also said he was a bad person and he was narcissistic if he thought he could do better than her. (ha!)
I knew it was only a matter of time until she would have another blow up and he would then feel justified in leaving her. So today, she not only went off on him verbally, she also physically tried to prevent him from walking out of the fight by grabbing and ripping his shirt. She left a very defined (four finger) scratch down the back of his neck. He was done. Finally!
But no. She begged and pleaded and again took all responsibility. She promised to change. I talked to him tonight, and he seems to believe she *won't* change, but feels if he gives her this "last chance", he'll then feel guiltless when he walks away. *sigh*
I don't know what to think, or who to be angry with. My brother told me he no longer loves her, he believes she is bi-polar (though she's been tested at least 4 times and says she's not) and he feels sorry for her. Part of his reason for taking her back tonight was because her cousin (pictured on the far left in the "Plastics" pic several posts below) tried to kill herself yesterday, and she has been understandably upset over that. He thinks he's showing compassion.
Part of the problem is that she can tell his feelings have changed towards her and she wants him to confirm (or deny) it, but he won't. Which leads me to this question:
If you fell out of love with your spouse, would it be better to tell him/her how you feel and end things quickly so that you could both move on, or would you keep quiet and let the relationship die slowly? In the first case it would be more hurtful to your spouse's ego, but it would get things over with quickly and you could both move on. In the second case, there would be more turmoil, but the spouse would be making the decision that they were sick of you and wouldn't suffer that hit to their ego... I just can't decide. I think it depends on each case. In my brother's, I think he should end it quickly so they could both move on. What do you think?
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On another note, looks like the Seattle peep meet was a blast! I'm super jealous, but also so happy for all who got to attend. Can't wait for more details and pictures! :)
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8 comments:
Because Michelle and I always had such unhealthy relationships prior to being together and because both of us were infamous cheaters based on falling out of love with our ex-patners, we have always agreed that we would not do that to each other. And we agreed that if one of started to fall out of love, we would tell the other out of fairness. So far in our 16 years we have had a couple of talks about how our feelings were changing. Whatever the problem happened to be, we were able to talk it out. Thank God. In the past, both of us would have just let things go. Based on our promise to each other, we have always been able to work our way out of problems that involved our feelings for each other.
Wow. Just wow. That girl has issues. Major issues. That said, when I left my ex-husband, I flat out told him I didn't love him anymore and I could not live with him or love him when he was as irresponsible and drunk as he was. Flat out. Straight truth. Yes it hurt both of us, but in the long run, it was better for us. He didn't believe it for several months, but I didn't have to worry about a web of lies, either. And now, many years later, he understands it and recognizes the pattern. He may choose not to do anything about it, but he's not blind to what he did to me and the kids either. The truth, while painful, is generally for the best.
To be honest, though, I'm not sure your brother ever loved HER. He may have been in love with who he thought she was, or the fantasy of loving and marrying someone so "perfect". But one or two fights should never stop you from loving a person.
*hugs* to you and your brother. AND his kids.
Oh golly, MM, I don't even know what to say. I would think it's just better to tell them and to try to move past it rather than to just let it die. But I don't know.
*hugs*
I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
I think what momma said hit the nail on the head.
{{{hugs}}}
In general, I think being honest is always the best route. It might hurt to hear it, but I think in the long run it hurts worse being lied to or led on. Your brother needs to tell this girl once and for all that it's not going to work, for both of their sakes.
*smooch*
Wow Carey, that just goes to show that people really can change their spots, (so to speak) when they really want to or try. I admire you both very much.
Momma, I agree with you about him never really loving her. I think there was not enough time to really even get to know each other, let alone fall into a real love. In your case, the truth was what he deserved (because of his own actions that brought it on) but in some cases, I think it's harder when one partner has not really done anything to bring on the change of heart. Not sure if I'm making sense here. (?)
Thanks Boo. I agree with you. Unfortunately, too many people are weighing in on this and affecting his decisions. *sigh*
*smooch* Nutz!
Good point, Jen. It would hurt to be led on. If the person found out, anyways. That's the part I'm confused about. What if she never has to "figure out" that he never loved her, but can instead walk away thinking it was *her* choice, because he was just lacking somehow.
That woman is abusive.
Her behaviour will esculate. It will not change. She is poison.
Maybe you get a list of the signs of an abuser and give itto your brother?
Bob, I think he already recognizes it. I am not sure why it's not enough to just kick her out over, but he feels he owes it to her to try. I guess at some point he'll decide he's had enough.
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