God I miss the days of the Cookie Monster and Grover.
I am so freaking out inside over the fact that my babies are getting older. I was talking recently to a friend who has a 13 year old and we were discussing the fact that kids that age are likely hearing things at school, very graphic things even, of a sexual nature. We were wondering whether *hearing* things about sex is really harmful, even if we know they are not engaging in any of them.
I am hellbent on preventing my kids (for as long as possible) from being exposed to these things. I *know* I can't control what they are hearing from their friends, but I can control what they watch, what they listen to, and even their friends (how much time they spend with them), to an extent. I believe that when they are regularly being exposed to words or phrases, it eventually desensitizes them to the gravity of such actions. My friend, whose daughter is a good kid and so far has not had a serious boyfriend, was talking about getting her "first kiss". My initial reaction was to cringe, because I would want to keep my DD from getting that first kiss for as long as possible. I want the kiss to be 'the big thing' so that other things won't be as tempting.
I am not naive enough to believe that everything will happen as I wish it would, but I do think accepting children having boyfriends and girlfriends at a young age is not wise either. It's cute at 10 or 11, but once they reach 14 or 15, parents start to panic because they realize that the kids now *expect* to have the right to date, and we now see that it's no longer "cute" and instead is scary.
Both of mine know they are not allowed to date until they are least 16, but even then I said it would depend on their grades and how responsible they've proven to be. It's not a "right" in my mind. I also know that they will likely break this rule and try to have one anyways, at school. This rule worked for my parents until I was 17. Even then, they made it damn hard for me to be available to my BF, so having sex didn't come up for a long time after that (over a year).
I don't even know exactly what I'm rambling about. I guess I just needed to write this all out. Anyone have any thoughts or experience with kids and dating/sex? Are they really having sex at a younger age nowadays? Is it true that oral sex has become ordinary and acceptable? That's what I've read. They start middle school next year (holy crap! THIS year!) and I remember all too clearly the things I learned that year. I even remember using the "F" word that year! :o
A 7th grade boy asked me for a blowjob, and another was constantly staring at my oobies, and making comments about them. Other girls were talking about what *&^% tastes like. Good lord, how can I send mine into that atmosphere?
They are babies! Sometimes I wonder if I've done them a disservice by protecting them so much, and now they will be shocked by what they learn/see/hear? I suppose there are no easy answers. *sigh*
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15 comments:
I thought this post was going to be about your DH, given the title. *grin*
I'll be back later to post something more serious. I've gotta run, well I'll probably drive, to the doctor right now.
*smooch*
I'd say protect them and supervise them and be aware of who they're seeing. However, we did things behind our parents' backs and they will, too.
SDG, I think we agree. My problem is in trusting myself to know when and how to "acclimate" them. I can't see how I'll ever be ready to expose them to things, but I don't want to do more harm by keeping them in the dark.
LOL Jen! Thanks for reading it, I look forward to your response. :)
Hope all goes well at the doctor!
Puffy, I do know they'll do some things behind my back, but I guess what I don't like is when parents modify the rules to make room for that. Kinda like allowing them to watch "R" rated movies "because they'll probably do it anyways". I just want to be firm in what I think is right, regardless of whether they will try to do it anyways. You are right though, supervision is key.
Wow. This subject has been on my mind a lot lately too. My DD just turned 13 and has hit puberty full-on. I'm at a loss for exactly what to do. I don't know how much to tell her, how to shield her as much as much as possible, how much to let her interact with other 13 year old boys.
She is doing myspace and that scares me, but so far I have let her. I don't think that will last too long. I don't know. I let her IM people and talk on the phone, but it's starting to get out of hand - she's spending too much time on it.
DW doesn't seem to understand the danger and that's making things difficult. I need to make her aware of the dangers that exist for a young girl in today's world. It's different than when we were kids.
I'll be interested to hear what other people say about this topic. In fact, this might be good for OT.
MM, mine isn't even born yet and I'm already sad about her growing up. When DH and I were putting christmas decorations away I remarked, "next Christmas, the kiddo might be walking, or at least crawling" and then I got all mopey at how fast she'll grow up.
Ugh. I'm in trouble.
Anyway, since I haven't gone through this as a parent all I can tell you is that my parents did a lot to encourage my innocence for as long as they could - but school was a big place for learning things that they probably would have preferred I not know. I wasn't even that cool, and I didn't date until I was 17, but even when I was 10 or 11 the lunchtime conversation invetiably turned into some kids talking about all the stuff they knew. A lot of them got it from older brothers and sisters.
I specifically remember having lunch with two girls, and one of them knew a LOT of stuff. Alternate words for male and female body parts, etc. The other girl was very quiet and shy, and girl 1 took great pleasure in asking girl 2, if she knew what these words meant, and watching girl 2 go all red.
*I* didn't know but pretended I did until I figured it out. It didn't take that long.
I'm not sure it was harmful, necessarily, but I do remember feeling as if I had this knowledge that I wasn't supposed to have. I don't think it's a disservice to protect them, but it might be a disservice to hold on to any idea that they're not already hearing it.
I'm back. :)
Bascially the only thing I can say is, just trust your instincts. You're a good person and a good mother. Let your kids know that you are there for them, and that they can talk to you about things.
It sounds like you have pretty good kids. I don't often hear you complaining about them or their behavior. Just because *some* kids might be doing bad things at a young age, doesn't mean that your kids will, too.
You've said before that you felt you were pretty sheltered as a child. Are you glad for that now that you're an adult, or do you wish you had been allowed to experience more things?
I'm not sure about calling dating scary or contingent on grades or really such a big deal.
I like the idea girls and boys interacting and, yes, dating, but mainly been friends. I think it makes it less of a BIG DEAL. I feel this leads to more reasonable relationships between men and women. I think this lets there be less of a stigma associated with being single.
I think it's important to let kids know anything they are willing to ask (or in my case, I just read a lot) to demystify the oppisite sex and associated interactions. It's fun to date, but it's not the only fun thing.
k, that's enough rambling.
Given what has gone on in my little corner of the world the past few months....innocence is to be cherished, but expect it to not last too long. *sigh* I can only wish it had lasted as long as your two.
Do what you can to protect the kids, but be prepared to answer their questions honestly and make sure they know they can talk to you about anything. That will make all the difference in the world.
So far as I know, very many boys still consider a blow job to be almost a right. And the girls don't consider them "really sex", so it is nasty to fight.
My middle DD Had her first date at age 15, when she started high school. Guy asked her for a BJ the first chance he had. She lost her virginity a few months later, in the woods behind a bowling alley during an after-school bowling event.
In high school, peer acceptance is totally huge. She at least had the common sense to use protection from the very first time. It was the first time for both her and the guy.
How do I know these things? From age 13 thru 16 I read her diary. I never, ever let on that I was reading it, but it was very useful in terms of understanding her. When she started "editing" what she said while we talked, I started reading. She has no idea I did this, and I never showed it to Tom - because he would have freaked to read her words. I'm not the freaking kind, and I understood her text and subtext when she said negative things about me. Kids are kids and this negativity was age-appropriate and part of a normal "seperation" process.
I think in Middle School everyone talks about sex every chance they get, but very few actually "do it." In DD's High school, many girls were doing it by the time they graduated.
Helpful, aren't I?
I dunno. I think about this a lot too. I actually want to be able to explain the biology of sex to my kids. They already know about periods, since I have no freaking privacy in the bathroom. The Sea Monkeys have also been a source of questions: "Why are those two stuck together?"
So while I have no difficulty explaining biology or logistics, I'm not sure about the bit where you tell them about two people loving each other very much or whatever. DD would probably be grossed out anyway if I explained the whole thing just now.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, so here's an anecdote from last night:
DD and I were talking about before she was born.
DD: "Yeah, and that's when I came out of your bum."
Me: "Well no, not my bum. Remember I told you?"
DD: "Yeah, the place for babies to come out. What's that called?"
Me: "You really want to know?"
DD *scrunching up face* "Is it gross?"
Me: "It's just a word."
DD nods
Me: "Vagina."
DD: *scrunching up face and shaking hands* "Ew. That's a gross word."
This? Is one reason I'm glad I'm not a parent.
LOL @ Seana's DD
This blog topic could not have been more timely given events at my house yesterday!
I won't blog about it yet because it's too fresh and I'm too tired. In retrospect it wasn't that bad, and I *will* blog about it - probably next week earlyish.
Swami, what did you *do* with the info you obtained? How did it help you change the things you were doing as a parent? Was there ever a time where you felt like you needed to reveal that you had been reading her diary? Does she know now that you did?
I haven't been around blog world in a long time and I see you haven't let me know. Still good topics. LOL!
You can try to protect them but they are going to hear about things at school or from friends. Good for you for trying though. I agree with Jen and others ... just make sure they know that you are there for them always to answer any questions they might have.
*HUGS*
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