I have been thinking about something for a while now, and don't think I've ever addressed it here, though maybe I did and forgot...anyhow, my question is this:
How much time do you, as the adult child, spend "helping" your parents do something? Anything. Like projects around the house, preparing for company, cleaning, decorating, shopping, etc. I have been feeling more and more unusual, like I have an unreasonable amount of pressure from my parents. Mother mostly, really.
Just last week, she was going to be having company, and she said (in passing one day) that she would like me to "help her for one or two days, next week". I had quite a bit already going on, including dental and regular doctor appointments for myself and the kids, but I made a mental note that I would help her out. I knew the company was coming on Sunday, so onFriday when my brother invited me to go do some shopping with him, I figured I'd just get to her house on Saturday. So Saturday comes, and there I am, when for some reason, she makes a comment about "wishing she'd had more time with my help" and then something like "well, you decided to play with your brother instead". I got very quiet and she asked me why. I told her I felt confused, because I really felt as though I gave her more time than other people give their parents. She defended herself by saying she was always willing to pay me, and that she could always pay someone else, if I couldn't do it myself. I knew that was true. I could just say no, but I feel guilty. I kinda told her I really wished she didn't *need* help from other people. I wish she was in control of her own house. But, it runs in her family. Her mother always had hired "help" around, and her sisters do as well.
I guess the bottom line is, I need to be ok with not ever being able to do enough. She realizes she is hard to please, and she pretty much told me to learn to say no, and then be ok with it, whether she caves in and acts pouty or not.
I just want to know what is "normal". Maybe I get too hung up on the word normal, but it really is important to me. I would never say 'no' to her because I have already met a quota of "normal" hours, but I would feel less guilt for saying no sometimes, if I knew I gave more than most people.
And when I said she is hard to please, I mean she is hard to please. When I was moving for them (they both work full time) she would come home from work, force a smile, and say something like, "oh, you packed the kitchen? *fake smile* Ok, *I* would have done the dining room, but that's ok". When I pointed this and other examples out to her on Saturday, she started crying, and really understood how it felt, because her dad was the same way. She hates it, and wants to change, but it comes so easily for her. I guess it's good we talked about it, and that was progress, but still, as always, I want to know; what is normal??
{sidenote} I do want to acknowledge that as awful as she can be, she does try really hard to act appreciative. After the talk we had, she was really pleasant to work with, so I know she tries. Both my parents just want my brothers and I to be *really close*, which we are. Most people who know them marvel at how much time we all spend together, usually happily, and by choice, but it comes with a price.*sigh*
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8 comments:
My life is so far from normal, that I can't even begin to relate. Just know this, when helping your parents impedes on what needs to go on in your house and with your husband and kids, it's too much.
I am no help here. I lived 2 days drive from my mom's house for most of my adult life. But mom always had a twice-weekly housecleaner and a gardener for the yard so she didn't need physical help much. If your mom can afford help then she should hire it so that the time you do spend with her is personal time.
Mr. Swami's mom wants her kids to do everything for her. Mow the lawn, care for the gardens, take her grocery shopping, etc. Two or 3 of the other brothers do all this - Tom just visits. That is his established style.
Ugh. You are a good child. Really.
My in-laws, with their choosen careers, live at least three hours away. Thus, they only get help with "projects" a few times per year. We used to go north to MILs weekend home and help 1/month, but she's made it very clear it's no longer the family home, but rather HER home, thus she only gets help a few times/year. It's a more long, complicated story than that, but I won't take up your blog space talking about it. If she lived closer and wasn't so selfish about it, we'd probably help more.
FIL needs no help at this point, as his only house is the parsonage and the church pays for movers whenever he moves.
My dad needs more help than he asks for. He's very able bodied, a very hard worker and constantly works on his garage and truck hobby. We offer more help than he takes us up on. He overly appreciative when we come over for a day to help.
I think it's really nice that you enjoy your family enough to spend so much time with them.
I don't help my parents much at all. Occasionally, I'll go over and help my mom; sometimes for pay, if it's a project they're going to have to hire someone for anyway. All the money goes to my DD's baton fund.
My sister spends a lot of time with our mother and takes care of her house a little bit when they're traveling, which is about six months a year.
To me it sounds like you go WAY above and beyond normal expectations, especially given that I think your parents are still relatively young. It's more normal to offer more help when your parents are aged and unable to care for themselves.
Obviously I'm not qualified to answer this question.
I think you are a good daughter though and you do a lot.
My mom doesn't ask for help very often (once every couple months, maybe?) but when she does I try and help her out. She does a lot for me, so I feel I need to do things for her, too.
Don't you go and clean your mom's house every week or something? I think that is excessive, unless she pays you to do it. But it should be something that you don't mind doing. For her to pressure you into helping her all the time is not fair. You have your own family and house to run.
And you should stop worrying about being normal. You're nowhere near it. (J/K! *besa*)
Just know this, when helping your parents impedes on what needs to go on in your house and with your husband and kids, it's too much.
I think momma's advice here is excellent.
I admire the talk you had with her on Saturday.
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