Did someone say, "Smut"?

What is the worst pick up line you've ever heard? Mine was so cheesy it felt like I was in a bad After School Special. Something along the lines of, "you need to let the woman inside of you come out...blah blah blah, and we can go to a motel". It was freakin' hilarious. Not the least bit tempting. What was yours?

And for fun, here are some I found online somewhere: (my apologies in advance to monsty)

WARNING! If you are easily offended, please do not proceed!

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
6. {to crass, even for this blog}
7. {removed due to vulgarity}
8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fu*k.
9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?
11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!
12. {un PC}
13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?
14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?
15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.
16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"
17. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?
18. Fu*k me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?
22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.
23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.
24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
28. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
30. (honorary mention) Drinks on me!!!

Great weekend!

Just wanted to reiterate, I LOVE my new blog. If I haven't said it lately, Thank You Syren!!

On Saturday I woke up to a massage (aka~ horny husband) and then I went back to sleep. Didn't get out of bed until noon, I think. Lounged around most of the day not doing much. I had been doing well, eating right and exercising, but DH always wants something after sex. So there we are at 11:30 pm (yes, again!) and he decides he wants to try Taco Bell's new carne asada steak taco thingy (yuck) , I ended up caving in and had some cinnamon twists. I rationalized it by saying that anything we eat within that "free" hour (due to the time change) shouldn't count. As a result I had to work out extra hard today and will double up on Monday. But it's a small price to pay for those cinnamon things, they are so good! On Sunday (today) I didn't do much, but I did get to lay in bed and watch the 49er game. It was so nice, I had one kid on each side of me, and it was just so cozy. The Niners didn't do extremely well, but hey, they won! Yay!
Now when tomorrow morning comes, I have to do all the things I should have done over the weekend. What did you all do this weekend? And for those who were watching their diets, how's that going? I keep having ups and downs.

Side note (that Carey should appreciate)- I was in the middle of a big satisfying yawn when out of the corner of my eye I swear I saw a spider running towards me. It killed the yawn instantly and ended up being my own damn hair that had fallen loose from my pony tail. Argh! Nothing like an unfinished yawn. I even tried to re-yawn but it's just not the same. *sigh*

Also! I wanted to add that I had a dream with Carey in it on Saturday night. It was very strange but I did like her alot! She was so funny and fun to be with. I think she worked in some sort of outdoor backyard ornament kinda place, and they even had a giant turtle! It rained on us but we laughed it off. It was so fun! Now I wanna meet her!

What do you think?

Syren has been working on this for me for awhile now and I love it! I still need to make a few changes, add some links and stuff like that. I think this will be more user friendly, too.

Please tell me if I can link you (if you are not already there).

Thank you Syren!

Edited to add~ Syren must have done something so that I could add more links...Yay! If you are linked, and do not want to be, please let me know. If you are not linked and would like to be, let me know and I will add you.

Brother's Keeper

I really want to bitch about how needy and whiny my DH is but I will skip it, for your sake. Let's just say that I am the man in this relationship and he is the girl. *sigh* Boys are stupid.

So, if this link works it will show you the clip from Scare Tactics that I was telling you about. The guy is so freakin' funny and he acts and talks exactly the same way IRL as he does in the clip. Aaron is the one I met, in case I didn't make that clear before.

http://www.filecabi.net/v/file/scare-tactics-keeper/wmv

And in happier news, Carey got laid!!! :D

Question

So tonight I drove to see my very pregnant friend who will be having a baby in about 2-3 weeks. We stayed at the restaurant extra long to visit because we know we won't get a chance again for a while. So there we are, we've known eachother for over 15 years and I realized there was something I didn't know about her. So I asked her, "do you swallow?". Well, oh my goodness! I think she almost went into labor. She choked on her food and then laughed so hard her entire upper body turned red. She even cried from laughing so hard. Now I'm wondering if that is not a normal question for two girlfriends to ask eachother. She knows all my secrets. I know one of hers that is enormous. Why was that so surprising? She acted absolutely shocked. I'll admit it sorta came out of nowhere. And she did answer me.

So here's the question: (and no, I'm not going to ask you if you swallow)

Do you talk sex with your girlfriends? And do you think men would be shocked by what we do say to eachother? I really don't want to end up being the only girl who does this. I thought it was fairly normal...am I wrong?

special note to Carey~ Happy birthday sweetie. I hope you are feeling all better and get exactly what you want today!

Men are so easy

Maybe this is wrong but I get a big kick out of torturing my husband. Yesterday he had an important appointment at work, and right before he was scheduled to meet with the people, I sent him a nasty text message on his phone. He was actually stuck in his car for five minutes afterwards because he couldn't walk in like that. LOL. Was that mean of me? Because I might make a habit of it.

Here I go again...

So I'm reading my US Weekly and I am shocked to see that Vanessa Marcil (picture at left) is 36 years old. I just assumed she was way younger. She is gorgeous, and one of the few women DH will admit to finding attractive. I couldn't believe that she was almost 40, when in my mind she was in her 20s. So fast forward to this evening. DH and I are watching Las Vegas together on the loveseat. I look over at him and I think, "dear god I've been with him for almost 13 years!"
Then I think, "dear god, I will be 36 years old, soon!" So DH looks at me and says, "what?" So I started crying. Real crying. He got all freaked out...kept asking me what was wrong. Finally I manage to sob out that I am almost 36 years old. He was nice about it, hugged me and let me cry. Now my eyes hurt and I feel tired. Is this a normal reaction to turning 30? Or am I being dramatic and silly? I know age is a number, it's how old you feel...blah blah blah. But seriously, did anyone else go through this? Or are you afraid you will?


disclaimer~ I do not think 36 is old. I just don't feel ready to be in my 30s yet. When I meet people who are in their 40s and 50s I think of them as young, believe it or not. Hell, I love older men (older than me). To me, 70 is finally getting old. But I'm not supposed to be 30 because I don't even feel old enough to be a mother. I need to freakin' grow up, I think.

Edited to add~ This will be my last age related entry until January, at which point I will feel entitled to throw at least one more tantrum. Thank you.

Oh. And I'll try and do trashy tomorrow. ;-)

DH's hands down my pants

Well, this was going to be about DH's hands down my pants but that topic was already taken. *glares at Seana*

So here is something I need to know. I need my Canadian friends to tell me why they do not believe in sanitary toilet seat covers. Not one place I went to in BC had them. It boggles my mind. What's up with that?

The last few days have been terribly busy for me. Friday was lunch with my brother followed by a school carnival thingy. Saturday was Apple Hill with some friends. Sunday was spent at my parents house. I was trying to be productive and get stuff done but my family just made it too difficult. Tomorrow I will be at my mom's doing stuff for her. I can't wait for Tuesday when I *think* I can just stay home. Then on Wednesday I will drive to see my girlfriend one last time before her baby is born. Thursday I have lunch plans with another friend. Gah! I just want to be home. Before I know it it will be next weekend. *sigh*

Apple Hill was crowded. I will never go on a Saturday again. We normally go on a Sunday when it is much better. I drank the apple juice, btw. Very yummy! I don't know if I can describe what it is, if you're wondering. I am too tired and this is my second attempt at a blog entry tonight after the first long and detailed one was erased on accident.

In a nutshell what the other one said was that my younger brother is a complete jerk. He made a big stink at a public fund raiser event we went to on Saturday night. I think he needs to put his bong down and get some real meds.

Also, I got to meet my favorite guy from Scare Tactics. Does anyone watch that? It is a show on the Sci-Fi channel. Like Candid Camera but more extreme. He was waiting tables where DB and I went to lunch Friday. He is a funny guy. Talks just like Pauly Shore in Encino Man. If you didn't see that, good for you. I actually paid money and saw it in the theater. *sigh*

That's my update for now. No trashy sex story. No slutty questions or provocative subjects. Sorry if I let you down. *grin*

This is the TMI blog, right?

So today, while in a compromising position (details being withheld, tyvm) I noticed something truly horrifying. My DH is getting old. Well, to be more specific, he has a couple of greys. It was very disconcerting to say the least. So far, I have not had a grey (or white or silver) hair anywhere, but seeing my DH, who is only 2 years older than me, getting old, kinda freaks me out.

Speaking of getting older, I hurt my back today. Apparently I cannot do the Karate Kid kung foo thingy the way I used to. DS and I were in the kitchen where I was doing dishes (well, trying to) and he wanted to play a game of walnut tennis. This is where I get the big spatula and he pitches the walnut to me and we play "tennis". Back and forth we go, until we break something or we lose the walnut. Anyhow, when I screamed and jumped out the way (because damn, those walnuts can hurt) he started laughing at me. So naturally I try to do some karate kick thingy and ended up hurting my back. . When I was young, I never injured myself. BTW, before anyone calls CPS, I wasn't actually going to hurt him.

Oh and I have a little complaint. My kids who are now 10 freakin' years old, are so big that doing laundry has become rather difficult. I used to know exactly who's clothing was who's, based on size. Now, I go to find some jeans and end up not being able to tell who's are who's.
I have to stop dressing DD like me. Tonight I got all excited thinking I had found my missing black blouse. Nope. It was her's. And? Their feet are bigger than mine now. The many pairs of shoes all over the living room all look alike. *sigh* This is just so sad.

Odds and Ends

So I went to see 'In Her Shoes' tonight with my mom. It was really good, but not as good as the book, of course. Is anything ever as good as the book? The closest I have come to liking a movie as much as the book was 'To Kill a Mockingbird', but I was much younger when I saw it, so maybe I would feel differently now. I'm working on 'War and Peace' right now, and will see the movie when it comes out. Can't wait. Most interesting part of this evening? The gum I sat in. Wearing my favorite jeans, of course. *sigh* ~Edited to add, War and Peace is NOT coming out. Pride and Prejudice is, which is another one I need to read, but what a bummer.

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Two new songs I can't get enough of: I just wanna Live, by Good Charlotte, and Streets of Love, by The Rolling Stones. Oh and my current cry song is Fix You, by Coldplay. The Good Charlotte one wouldn't have even occurred to me but it was featured on General Hospital (my only other vice, besides this place and the other place) anyhow, the scene was a mobster shootout and I think they kinda stole the whole Mr. & Mrs. Smith theme, but it was so cool I didn't care. I loved it, and the song too.

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DH whined a little bit tonight about me being on here too much, so I will be trying (ie:pretending) to spend less time here. All I have to do is work extra fast on other stuff so it looks like I spent more time than I did doing the other stuff. know what I mean?

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I noticed today that I dress very dark. All my shoes are either black or brown, and all my clothes are very dark, too. Does this mean anything? Hell, even my undergarments are black or dark purple, or something. Maybe I need to lighten up?

What's in your closet? Do you believe we have "colors" that look best on us? My mom is one of those nuts who constantly pulls the clothing up to her chin and says, "is this my color?" I have to play along and usually answer her based on whether the clothing is super ugly or not.

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Again, sorry if you saw my rant today/yesterday. Before we all got together here, I ranted personal stuff here quite a bit, and I guess I felt the need. *smooches* for everyone who *smooched* me during my tantrum. And *smooches* for everyone in general, you are all so wonderful to play with, and I am so glad we all have this outlet.

Temporary Insanity....

...And PMS. Doesn't take much does it? Forgive me my ultra personal rant. I am done now.

*sheepish grin*

And if you missed it altogether, there was nothing to see. :)

Continuation...

Ugh! Argh! *Scream*

This is what pisses me off. Yesterday, the nooner didn't work out, his schedule, mine, whatever. So last night, as much as I did NOT want to, I did. Of course he is clueless that I didn't want to, because he wouldn't have done it had he known, but I knew he needed it. I mean for goodness sake it had been several days. The man was getting cranky. *rolls eyes* So anyways, I did my duty and am thinking that we're good for a day or two. No. First thing I see when I get up this morning, a message on our screen saver asking for a nooner today. This is after he got annoyed with me last night for calling him a horndog. And we wonders why I think that? So then he calls me this morning and I said no to the nooner. Mostly out of frustration that he even asked. Then, because I can't think of anything to say to him, we sit in silence for a minute and he finally says he needs to go. He sounds all whiny and sad. Not only because I said no, but because like every day, if I can't think of something funny/amusing/interesting to say on the phone to him, he thinks I don't want to talk to him. Which is pretty much right. We talk on the phone about 5-10 times a day AND we email back and forth throughout the day. Is that normal? I never get the chance to miss him. It drives me nuts.

I can't believe I am blogging about my sex life, but it's more about my relationship than sex, I guess. Not like I'm giving details or anything. Now I'm in a bad mood. Crap!

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This is totally inappropriate but I have to let off some steam.

My husband is a freakin' horndog! I am beginning to lose my mind and it's starting to affect our marriage (or mine anyways). Good freakin' lord give me a break. Is this normal? He is 32 years old and he's acting like a 16 year old who just discovered sex. Am I wrong here? I need someone to tell me it's ok that I want to strangle him right now. You know what he told me yesterday? He is going to buy me some "hooker heels". I know this is TMI, I'm sorry. It's just I feel like everytime I turn around I'm being assaulted. Ok, not assaulted exactly, but you know. Like when he is affectionate I think there is always an ulterior motive. And I'm usually right.

Argh! I want to scream. And the worst part is the guilt I feel if I say no. Wish me luck, he wants to come home for a nooner.

And for a certain someone who might read this and want to give me the riot act, well, hmmph!

Yay!

Today is much, much better. It's funny because if I had woken up yesterday with today's pain, I would have felt sorry for myself because it does still hurt, but it's so much better that I just can't complain. Thank you all for the advice and hugs and stuff.

Today's new topic...Underwear.

Do you know if you wear the right bra size? They say a majority of women do not. Also, how important is it to wear a matching set, you know, panties and bra? Do you usually match or just wear whatever is available? I usually buy only black so it ends up looking like I match even when I don't. Also, do you prefer men in boxers or briefs?

Bonus question...do we know what's up with Glow yet? Any more clues?

Waaaaaahhhhhh!!!

Well I certainly wasn't going to update with a whine but I really need to. Whine, that is.
I came home last night around 2:30am after trying to help my mom clean her office. Unpack it actually, as it's not been done since they moved in. Anyway, my time with her went surprisingly well, we even addressed the fact that she feels I have pulled away from my dad and her. I told her that yes, having my parents tell me "no" when I want to do certain things gets rather old when you are damn near 30 years old. So I explained that I've been stressed and have pulled away from everyone, not just them, and that I need to be more independent. She said no. J/K. She understood, but she didn't like it.
So as I was falling into bed, I felt like the left side of my neck was sore, which was weird because for the last couple of weeks, my right side has been sore. Anyhow, I was tired and ignored it. Then I woke up around 6 or so to use the restroom (washroom, after being in Canada) and I was in unbelievable pain. I felt like one of those sitcoms where someone pulls something in their back and they can't stand up. Except it was my neck. I barely made it back to bed and lowering my head was the most pain I've had in as long as I can remember. In fact, once my face hit the pillow, I thought I would suffocate to death because I literally could not lift my head up again. I guess my (loud) whimpering woke DH and after seeing what was going on he went and got me a muscle relaxer. I almost couldn't take the damn thing because I couldn't tilt my head enough to drink the water. Anyhow, he also got me some Tylenol and then he started massaging me to help me go back to sleep. I eventually did. Now I've added Tylenol with codeine to the mix and the pain is a little more tolerable. I wouldn't have even been able to sit upright before, I felt like my neck was broken. I was supposed to help my mom some more today, but obviously can't. I even cried, and I normally have a very high pain tolerance. I am hoping by tomorrow I will be able to function normally, because this just stinks beyond belief. And? It makes me feel old. :(

Two days with DH...

It ends tomorrow. Or later today, technically. We actually enjoyed our alone time very much.
We went out to dinner both nights and rented a movie tonight. I took the advice of a friend and made him a happy husband. ;-) He should be good for a week or so if you ask me.

Tonight we were talking about whether I am judgmental or not. He says I do come across that way, but of course he sees me in the best light and says he understands how I am misunderstood. LOL. Gotta appreciate the unconditional love there. I kept thinking, "I don't judge people". But then I realized at dinner tonight I pointed out a woman and said, "holy cow, she is way too old to be wearing a mini skirt, and look at her shoes, they are way too clunky!" I think I do this alot, and that is why some people think I am judgmental. I also pointed another girl out and said, "check her out, she's HOT!". So it's not always bad, it's just that I vocalize what alot people are probably thinking.

So, what does judgmental mean? I told DH tonight that I don't care about what people do as long as they are not hurting someone else. Bad moms? Are at the top of my list of open targets for judgment. But is that wrong? How do you know when being judgmental crosses a line? Is it ok to be judgmental about anything?

Very bad things

A very bad thing happened today. I found out my new neighbors, the ones across the street, are...get this.....Raiders Fans! I am not sure what to do about this. I already knew I wouldn't associate with them, based on the fact that DH won't let me. *grin* But now, I feel sick. A huge black poster thingy is hanging in the garage. And? They play their music too loud. And? I heard bad language in the lyrics. So now if they are out, I can't let my kids go out there. *sigh* I was really hoping for an old couple. Like Carey and Michelle. Oh well.

Another bad thing? I found out today that I am paranoid. I already kinda thought I was. I actually hoped I was, otherwise my suspicions would have been correct. So which is better? Being paranoid or constantly suspecting the worst?

One more thing...kids are gone for two nights. My DH? Keeps looking at me. Hmmm. What could he be thinking?

edited to add- I don't think Michelle is old, just Carey, but I had to go with a couple, so there it is. Sorry Michelle.

Several things

Today I did something totally out of character. I totally flirted with a construction worker. Well, not really flirted, just majorly smiled at him. I was in a good mood and he was cute and he smiled at me. So I smiled back at him. It was really embarrassing. As soon as I drove past him I was mortified. I feel like a 14 year old. Normally I would never smile back. Not to be rude, but just because I freeze up. Anyhow, that's not so bad is it? Doesn't everyone do that every once in awhile?


Tomorrow I am doing something I never thought I would do. I am letting my kids go on a field trip without me or DH. Not just any field trip, but a two night field trip. Does that make me a bad mother? They are 10 years old and at least will have eachother, but still. I am shocked I am letting them do this. Science Camp. They will learn a bunch of outdoors stuff. How to survive if lost...that kinda thing.


Ack! I've been dreaming alot lately. I always have had vivid dreams but, Hello. Some of these dreams are bad. Very bad. Some are disturbing, some are funny, some are...well, let's just say I wouldn't share them here. I need a good nights sleep with no dreams, really bad.
Who has really vivid dreams? Can you actually feel what's happening in your dream, physically?
I had a dream that I smoked when I was a teenager. I distinctly remember the feeling and taste of the cigarette. It burned my throat and made my eyes sting. I never tried smoking after that because I felt like I already knew what it would be like. Sometimes I rather enjoy my dreaming habits. Other times, not so much.

Hmmm...

I love it! Thank you Syren!

Warning!

This blog is a No Swearing and No Sex blog.

I have noticed I am getting a reputation around here as being the porn spam blog person. I am greatly offended by this as I am the most wholesome person I know. So, if you have sex tips, take 'em somewhere else. If you want to swear, do it in Carey's blog.

Oh, and no "pooting" either. Very un-ladylike.

That is all.


BTW, violators will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Edited to add~ Everyone who "poots" or swears in this blog is hereby giving permission to be regularly spammed by a religious cult. I will be giving them your names and blog addresses . Thank you.

Special Announcment!

**AHEM**


May I have your attention please?

I have the wonderful honor of introducing our newest blogger.....ARNutz!

She signed up just so she could share lots of personal tidbits about her life, with us! And also so she could comment on our blogs. So can we all give her a warm welcome?

Here is her link... http://nutzeee.blogspot.com/


(if anyone doesn't know who she is, *rolls eyes* feel free to PM me and I can give you details, but for now, she is a sometime poster at the other place, and though she is quite shy, she has managed to rack up over 7,000 DAWs, though we started near the same time)

edited to add~ can we assume that by welcoming her here, you will hereby be giving her permission to post on your blog and you on hers as well?