I need all the married, divorced, or *ever in a relationship before* peeps to tell me something. When you have been in a relationship for a while (you choose what "a while" means) is it normal to get bored in the bedroom? Bored isn't really the right word I don't think. It's more like passionless (is that a word?). Our sex life has improved a lot in the last year or so, due to my realization that it *could* happen for me, too (and buying the appropriate toys). The problem is not physical, it's excitement. I know the newness of a relationship can't last forever, so once it's past, what do you do to keep things "new" and "exciting" in the bedroom? Or how did you get it back, once it left?
Is it normal to get like this? Where it's great sex, but not necessarily exciting?
Maybe I am asking for too much?
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Ummm... I dunno. *waits for others answers*
I think it is all about ups and downs. Sometimes it is up and sometimes it is down.
When it is down there is not much you can do other than work to get it up. When it is up enjoy!
*This message brought to you by Grover(up...down....up...down...) and the letter K.
Like Zombs said, there are ups and downs. Usually when we are in a down, we will talk about it. Sometimes introducing something new helps. Whether it is a new toy, or a new accessory. Sometimes reading erotica to each other helps or even watching porn that might give an exciting new idea.
I think that yes, the excitement of the newness does wear off. But I think some excitement can be renewed if you are both willing to talk about it and try new things. Whatever those new things may be. I look at it as I do with anything. I need variety or I get bored. So I need to mix things up every now and again.
I have definate thoughts on this but not enough time to do it justice right now. I'll be back.
LOL at zombs!
In the past, I have switched things up to get busy in different places in the house (on the back patio) and to just switch things up all together. For me, a lot of the excitement comes from WHERE I am not really WHAT is happening.
I think you get to comfortable with one another and don't try as hard or something. I know when I have been in a "new" relationship I really give it my all. Now, I don't put forth much effort. I would if the oven was warmed up, but he doesn't put as much effort into turning the oven on either. LOL! Anyway, if you figure out how to get it back exciting, please let me know the secret. LOL!
This is a tough question as my sexual issues are even deeper than that. I am a downright madman in the sack initially but as feelings get deeper and the relationship goes forward, I draw back sexually and become more conservative. One of my old gf's told me I liked having boring married sex, so I'll have to work on it. We love dirty movies, pics , toys and just everything else naughty you can think of so once she's here all the time, I know we'll find some new ways to keep things spicy.
Yes. Although it's probably more boring for dh than it is for me.
I am thinking of marketing some stuffed Nookies. Anyone want one?
Are these Nookies stuffed with cheese? Or sausage? *grin*
MM - I'm going to give you some much more practical advice than all this touchy-feely stuff the other ladies are peddling.
It's very simple. To improve the passion and excitement in your sex life, you should be fantasizing that it's *me* there with you!
And this will work for all the rest of you, too, BTW. ;-) Even you, Carey!
*SNORT* Too funny MTW!
MTW!!!
I would but I picture you with your socks on and it makes me giggle.
black socks.
Notice how I've been avoiding answering this question?
That's because I don't really have an answer. I do think it's normal for the excitement to die down. That's a lot of pressure to put on a person to keep things exciting all the time.
I'll just leave it at that. What the others have suggested sounds good.
*smoooooooch*
For Nookie I suggest the Vibrating Nookie complete with strategically p[laced bumps.
Okay, here is the problem; even when we have gotten new toys or been more adventurous, the sex itself is great, but there is still a feeling of "I've known you for so long that I think we share more blood than I do with my brother" kinda thing. Maybe that's just life, and everyone feels that way?
MTW ~ thanks for the advice. I tried it this morning and WOW! Thanks! ;-)
LOL @ Zombie. You're an adorable dork. :D
It's hard to follow Zombs sometimes.
Um.. I think I can answer this as Mr Bob and I have been together quite a while. (Coco, you can go back to your baby now)...
There has been definate ups and downs. I feel easier talking about it because right now is a good time (and has been for a year or so-must be the America air). But there have been droughts/mini droughts. We both work fairly hard and when tired or stressed just don't get into it. There have been months, even a year of not much action (and fairly mundane when it happened). The big thing was that we would both express regret and understanding (though to be honest, we're a little shy about it and would say "I miss you")
I must be in the total minority as we have never introduced um new stuff (there was a couple books years and years ago). We may at some point.
Ok, now I need to shut up and reread your question because
a) I've forgotten it
b) I'm reading Zombs answer and I'm so disturbed by the Grover up/down thing I can't really think.
Answering question:
disclaimer: I rearead my answer and I want to add, it isn't that easy. (I have gotten upset/hurt by droughts. I may expand on that if requested.) This is what I try to believe, k?
From my point of view, sex is basically fun. Even not terribly good sex is still nice.
I don't get bored talking with Mr Bob or hanging out with him so why would I get bored of sleeping with him? It's another form of communication. Sometimes just drifting, sometimes frantic, sometimes dullish, sometimes just incredible.
But it's time spent with the person I love more than anyone so it's always worth it.
Bob, that was really sweet what you said up there. ^
I would love that feeling.
Nicely put Bob.
I've come back to this thread so many times today but just can't get my words out right.
I'm not quite sure how you can get back the passion in the bedroom if the sex is already great. Is it the passion in the relationship that you are missing?
Hear hear Bob!
Very nicely said. Plus I like that you used the letter "k' since that was what my message was brought to you by.
Wow Bob, very profound.
FTR: I would be bored having sex with anyone right now -- even Troy Aikman, Josh Lucas, Dale Jr., a woman. . . .
And, no, I have not had sex with a woman.
Great answers! Bob, you are very lucky to have Mr. Bob, and he is lucky to have you. And you are right, sex is good, no matter what because, well, it's SEX! And Bob, not everyone needs to add the other stuff, sounds like maybe you don't.
Nookie, passion in the relationship, yes. Maybe that is what I feel is missing. :(
Well, I do keep telling him that.
He just keeps asking me not to beat him anymore :)
When you say "beat him"...should I be reading more into that? ;-)
I am SO not the person to ask about this one. For the last eighteen months of our relationship (at least) exBF and I had sex once every five weeks, almost like clockwork. He didn't put much effort into it either. He just wanted to lie there and do all me the work. Me? I prefer to fuck like porn stars!
*Points up*
That was me. I thought I was posting on the un-linked ones blog and started babbling about janitors.
Isn't Grover near... far.. near... far..?
Anyhow, I agree with most of you in that it comes and goes.
*tired*
Yes Coco it is Near and far. Just trying to be silly!
Told ya I'd be back.
After 27 years, passion isn't a word I'd use to describe our sex life but I think that's completely normal. For years I thought it was just us and that my marriage was in trouble but the more I heard from other people who were in long term relationships, the more I think it is completely normal.
I can totally relate to the roommate feeling that Red Dobie describes. I've used those exact words to describe our marriage at times. I don't know if it is even possible to keep that new relationship passion going for that many years. Or maybe I just want to believe that for the sake of my contentment. *grin*
I think that after the newness wears off a feeling of comfort replaces it. I know that's where we are. There is nobody I'm more comfortable with than Dave. A little more passion would be great but I wouldn't want to give up the comfort between us either.
No easy answers mm. We're trying to joke and flirt with each other more. A great sense of humor is a big turn on for me and that's something he has to work on. It takes some effort but we're worth it. Most important? Keep talking about it. If you aren't comfortable enough to talk about it, it makes things so much more difficult.
Lights, thanks for your response. I think you are right that it is normal for the excitement to wane, and turn into a feeling of comfort. The comfort can be a wonderful thing, too.
I am totally with you on the sense of humor thing, but I wonder how someone can work on that? If they aren't funny, what can you (or they) do? *sigh* Marriage is wonderful, but it definitely has it's *downs* as well.
Actually, that getting-to-know-you thrill gets old after a while too.
I am still head-over-heels in love with my DH, and 25+ years of "doing it" has not dimmed the appeal. We just have such darn good fun, and laugh and scream all through it. It's like that song Still Crazy After All These Years.
I know I am very, very lucky. My first marriage was nothing like this and I do understand when people say that marriage is hard work.
But I don't like that word "work". What I do is "sparkle." I put on a sparkle for DH regularly--first thing in the morning (well, after coffee lol), when he comes home from work, and at least once or twice at random other times. He does the same with me. By sparkle I mean a big smile, a flirtatious word, and especially a physical touch of some kind that reminds us of how special we are together and how hot I think he is. (Mostly this just happens, I am not conscious of sparkling.)
We have accumulated a variety of toys over the years, and they can be fun. Fantasy is great too--Scherazade has got nothing on me, lol. But for me passion is in the eye contact and the touching and the surrendering to touch.
We have had our share of problems--a handicapped child, other things, but the pair-bond we have together has been rock solid through everything. It just sparkles! And sparkles never get old.
Wow, Swami! That's great advice! I like how you look at it, and it obviously works very well for you and DH.
*walks away thinking about sparkling*
Swami is right. One thing I try to do is any time I have a passing nice thought about Mr Bob I'll share it. Maybe I won't say anything, but I might kiss him or tell him or walk past and hug him. If it's a passing bad thought, I'll ignore it. (Not the same as ignoring things that really piss me off)
Every now and then I will STFU and just listen to him for 15 minutes (I have a bad habit of interupting when he says something I find interesting so this actually takes a conscious effort)
I think things like that help keep a good relationship good.
And it's fun.
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